Need advice about coming out to family

[PaperMachete]

I've been lurking on this forum for awhile, and finally decided to make an account. I've just recently come to terms with the fact that I'm gay, and even though I wish it happened sooner (I'm 29) , I'm happy with who I am.

I am out to a few friends, but no one in my family knows yet, which leads to my question. I'm not ready to tell my parents or a few other family members, but I would like to tell my sister. Is there any sort of etiquette for that? I want her to know, but I feel bad swearing her to secrecy about it. Is that fair of me to do?

Thank you for your time and advice. This seems like a silly question, but this is all so new to me.

[princealbertofb]

Hello PaperMachete and to GaySpeak.... May I congratulate you on finally making that step to giving yourself come credit and admitting to yourself you're gay. It's one of the hardest steps to take, but since it's the first one, I think you are now in good hands, so to speak.

How to come out will very much depend on circumstance and opportunity, on the one hand, and also on your readiness, on the other hand. The more you think about it ahead of time, the stronger your resolve to have it out, I suppose, but somehow we still have the biggest hang ups about it. They stem from the fact that we are accutely aware that we've been projecting an outside image of ourselves that has not fitted reality, that is to some extent false... therefore, some may construe that we've been living a lie.

From your post, I gather that you have cheated on no one and told no one a lie, just kept a private part of yourself to yourself. It is your right to intimacy.

It is true, however, that at a certain point in your life, to be able to circumvent or avoid the awkward questions and remarks, it's probably best for the family and friends to know. It gets much easier to admit it once you've started doing so, as you will, no doubt, have read in these pages.

This is your private life and your private feelings. If you wish to disclose this aspect of yourself to your sister, it's fine. I suppose you have reasons to want to tell her first. Maybe she's the one closest to you? Maybe she's the one you trust most to understand at this stage of your lives?

Maybe you are counting on her to be your ally when comes the time to tell your parents. Having support in case things don't go as planned or expected is a good idea anyway. Some might use a fag hag, a best friend, even maybe a stranger or a counsellor. A sister or brother will do very well too.

So your main concern is, should you ask her to be discreet about it and keep the secret till you feel strong enough to confront your parents? I think you can request that from her. You would have done so with anything else that was a bit confidential. The question is: Is your sister generally capable of keeping a secret to herself, or is she a blabbermouth? Does she have a husband, or partner, or children with whom this information might be shared? If so, maybe you could allow her to share this with someone else she trusts, as long as it doesn't get repeated to your parents.

But, you know, two things come to mind:

First, once the secret is out, you'll feel somewhat liberated, and will probably start thinking that it's not such a bad things that it's now a circulating piece of news... mile:

Secondly, telling such a secret is a bit like a hot potato, and you can never be sure how heat resistant your sister's hands will be before she decides to pass it on to someone else.

Set some limits, by all means, explain why and hope for the best.

May I ask why you are so reluctant to make your parents the recipient of this interesting news?

Looking forward to hearing a bit more about your epiphany... Good luck with the telling.

[PaperMachete]

Thank you for the thought out, detailed reply. Out of all my immediate family - siblings, parents, etc. - I feel closest to my sister. We are only about a year and a half apart in age. I sometimes feel like we could have been twins. Since you mentioned it (and I hadn't even thought of it, so thank you!) she is married, and I really would not care if she told her husband. I would actually expect it and welcome it - one less person I would have to tell!

There are a few reasons I feel I'm not ready to tell my parents. First, it is still so new to me. Ever since I've accepted it myself and told the first person, I've been swinging between being really happy and proud of myself for telling a few people, feeling on top of the world, and having anxiety about people knowing something so personal about me - I've never been a very open person. I want my emotions to settle down before telling my parents.

Second reason - I flat out don't know how they will respond. They are devout Catholics and very traditional (my Mom was distraught when my sister moved in with her now-husband before they were married.) Homosexuality never came up and I literally have no clue how they feel about it in general, let alone their own son being gay.My parents are amazing people and i don't think they would disown me, but I think they would be disappointed, for lack of a better word. They always talk about their grandchildren, how proud they are, and how much they love being grandparents. I worry that they will hear the news and take it to mean I will never give them grandkids.

I already feel like I am the black sheep of the family. I am the youngest and the only one to move out of my home town. Even my parents have lived in the same city their whole lives. All of my siblings were matured in their early twenties, and all have kids. I've been hopelessly single (and trapped in the closet) for my twenties. Being gay just adds one more thing that makes me different.
once again, thank you for your thoughtful reply. It feels so good to be open about my feelings and thoughts and to get advice from someone who has been here before. I really, truly appreciate it.

[princealbertofb]

Thanks for these details, they will help in making a more discerning answer next time. What you and your sister share is the alleged sinful path of not living the proper Christian life, or at least not according to the most generally acknowledged "Christian path".

Do you, yourself, have any religious views, PM, or have you given that up? Maybe your spirituality has evolved.

What I often suggest is writing a letter, something that you can give proper thought, even in the way you are going to break the news, with explanations of how you feel, how you've felt, how you've grown to realise that you are gay. It's always good to suggest some groups that dismayed parents can go to or contact in case they are having trouble accepting the news.

You are quite entitled to give yourself a little time for your feelings and emotions to settle. Most straights may not get this, but coming out is a big thing for us. It seems strange in this day and age, when homosexuality is talked about so much, it ought not to be a surprise anymore, and yet, the process is still hard. By the same yardstick, then, also accept to give them time to adjust to the new circumstances. Maybe a few thing will fall into place in their minds, namely that you've not married yet.

If you put your thoughts down in writing, and which ideas you want to put across, and things you want them to understand, you'll probably find the experience quite cathartic. I'd say, don't send the letter straight away. Give yourself time to read it through again, later... Try to put yourself in their shoes, and imagine getting the letter, knowing what you know of their views and the way they've brought you up. Make the corrections you think are necessary. Be considerate of their feelings too. Show them that you are open to their questions if they have any... and reassure them that you are responsible and well adjusted, and that you're not going to start leading a life of havoc and crime...

The grandchildren may happen still, if they are in your plan of getting a partner etc... who might also want the children. After all you live in Washington State, the law is now that two same sex people can marry, so you should have all the stability that two parents would wish for their children. I'm not sure what the laws are in Washington for having children when you're a single parent (I mean adopted ones).

Take care, PaperMachete, and good luck with your coming out to your family. Try not to steal the show from some other family celebration such as an anniversary, or birthday, or holiday... Make it an announcement that is made in a different setting.

[jurnie]

Paper:

I want to start by applauding your decison to tell your parents and family. The hardest part i've found, by asking gay friends, is that we as the gay closeted always think the 100% absolute worst is going to happen. So, my first thought isnt to dwell on how they are going to react or what they are going to say but to think of yourself and how you will feel once the ""true you"" breaks the door down.
I was raised catholic and was suicidal because of who i was inside and the fact it went against all that my family grew me to believe. I finally told them and my mothers response was "I knew" Me:"why didnt you tell me you knew" Mom:"That was your job to tell us". After discussions with gay friends male and female i realize that moms always know. Now my father was always supportive also he welcomed my BF with open arms "As long as your happy".
To be truthful i do regret telling my sister first as she played it to her benefit whenever we got into any type of disagreement saying "we will see what ma n dad have to say" that is something that i feel you need to keep in consideration...when you allow someone else to have information about you, no matter how close you are they can always use it to their own agenda.
Have you tried to start the conversations off with things that are gay friendly like "have you seen Will & Grace, Project runway ny type of pro gay tv shows" or the gay marriage issue as a starting point just to see where they really fall on this subject. I can see where my ""clues"" were out there now looking back. To be honest with you i probably could of come out right out of the womb (lol)
The one thing you have to remember is that you were born from them and they love you. Being gay doesn't define you it is just another part of the whole of you. The straight population just doesnt understand that they never have to say "guess what i'm straight". As long as you are you and stop trying to be what you want others to see you as you will feel the weight of the world come off your shoulders. It was the most liberating thing ive ever done. Now i can compare notes with my sisters and my neices and nephews have grown up knowing someone gay. I do have a neice that joined the gay/straight allience in her school because she knew someone personally that was gay and wanted to help anyway she could.
Keep your head up and be proud of who you are...i'll be thinking of you and wishing you all the luck with this.

[pellaz]

i was in a straight marriage for some time and we talked about these issues as a family. I am in awe how parents can live with a child and not know he/she is not gay. You dont owe your parents anything if they cant emotionally support you even now. You have to think in terms how important they are? Likely everyone knows.

Wait till you and your sister are in the car alone, you are driving. Tell her than. You will be able to say everything all at once and let here process it. Be prepared in that you have been dealing with your sexuality your whole life. She may not understand, give her some time, have some reading material.

[princealbertofb]

Hello, Jurnie, thank you for your insightful post and to these boards. I'm glad it all went well for you with your parents. You have a point about giving sisters and brothers something to hold against you as a potential threat.

Unfortunately, you've got to start somewhere, and that somewhere is generally where you're the most comfortable. After all, it IS a very sensitive issue. We don't know what PaperMachete's parents are like, and maybe he's sort of lost touch with who they are, now that he's an adult.

May I ask at what age you came out to your parents???
Anyway, glad to have you here.

[PaperMachete]

Thank you to everyone once again for your wonderful advice. As an update, I did tell my sister and gave her permission to tell her husband. Both were EXTREMELY supportive and happy for me. They even offered to be with me when I decide to tell my parents. They both made sure to tell me that if I ever need anything, I shouldn't hesitate to call them. My sister also told me she suspected it and knew I wasn't acting like myself recently. All in all, it was extremely positive. With each person I tell, I feel the pressure lifting off of me.

[SlipknotRlZZ]

Hi.

You sound like a great guy, just from the short 5-6 paragraphs I read, and I think your parents are more or less proud of having you. I know what fear of rejection is, but don't worry. You're 29. Whatever happens, it can't have a major influence on your life unless you let it. Don't. It's your life, your choices and if you feel comfortable with how things are and how you are...your parents will have to accept it. Though I do understand that if you value and love them a lot, it could make things harder. I hope they are understanding and accepting.

As for your sister, I don't think it's unfair to have her sworn in secrecy. If you two are that close, she will understand. I don't think there's a strict code about how to do it. Whatever feels right to you. I'm sure things will go great, don't be shy about who you are and don't worry about being 29 and still single. It takes longer for some people and that's perfectly fine. However, you shouldn't be shy about exploring either. Take things one step at a time and...well, you never know. :]

[bryandurel]

You dont owe your parents anything if they cant emotionally support you even now. You have to think in terms how important they are? Likely everyone knows.

no words are truer.