bf or BF or room mate, what...? help =)

[thisLIFE]

Theres history... So i live with this guy who I've known my whole life now, weve been friends and started being really close friends about 4/5 years ago. and there has always been this tension? between us even before we became close friends.

Back towards the end of highschool and after (2008) we started cuddling almost constantly when around eachother no matter who was around, and just touching eachother and wrestling or whatever. We fooled around a few times, never seemed to take it any where for what reason or whose fault if anyone's i dont know. We always talked, whenever we got done hanging out we went straight to messaging eachother and this was almost every night. I dont know if one of us got scared or confused, but when i tried to go further or come on stronger he would back down and one time when i tried to fool around he said it was just wierd some times. Everytime he backed down though he would always turn around right away and still seem interested. Oh yeah, he had a girl friend this whole time, who he still is dating, but he always has told me about how he wants to be single sometimes and try out other not quoting but pretty much options. Always going through phases of being with her for hardly any time but keeping her around.

Back on topic, we didnt do anything sexually for a long time, probably a couple years. We always stayed close friends though and hung out alot, touching eachother backed down but was still there and it seemed like we were into eachother still but i dont know.
Weve always flirted thats never stopped till recently. Which brings to the now, had the great idea of moving out together a few months ago, yeah... always talked about how we could walk around naked with eachother stuff like that and chose to move out just us 2 instead of with some friends that we had the chance to move out with. like a week in or so he walked in and out of the shower naked, so i followed when he got out, we saw eachother naked laughed and he kept coming in when i was showering so i got out to follow in his room and we both were harder then ive ever seen. but nothing happened. how i do not know. then shower after shower happened, kind of repeating with little differences. One time we were about to do something and he said thats what we do with girls, we can both get some or something like that. Couple times we started doing stuff, nothing ever really happened though, just a little fooling around that he made awkward after.
I told him i was gay, was kind of coming out to myself at the same time, and then that i saw him differently then just friends, wanted to be more, yadda yadda he said he didnt want that. kinda sucked then a couple weeks later we were chilling and starts talking about his back hurting asking if i was good at massages... next thing were both butt naked and im top of him giving him a massage. but have sex? NOPE.. WHAT THE EF
took a happy ending tho then showered with a locked door, but came out naked and changed with an open door and went to work.
Now for the past couple weeks we barely talk or make eye contact, he goes off and does stuff he doesnt talk about, dont see eachother much.. which is wierd because the couple days after the massage werent bad at all. Will still go out of his way to help me though. soooo did he really just use me for a fkin massage? after all that!? does he have feelings for me? is he just over me? bad timing? found someone else? Even though hes still with his girlfriend he sees once a week... so confused, everytime im over him he does something to bring it back or to just keep his OPTION there? back up plan? or is it genuine feelings he is just confused about. wth is this... any help??

[fenris]

Hi and Welcome,

it seems that he gave you the answer.... with "he don´´t want that".... That can have many reasons... he is not gay, he is not ready for more ... he is just a very good friend ....

So .. how to react ? I would act as his friend.... but take care that he can´t hurt you maybe if he - by example - starts a relationship with a other person. All things which brings you in danger of being hurt you should not do.... tell him really clear that you have to protect yourself as long you don´t know whats in his mind...what he feels or what he want.
It is very important to protect yourself against bad feelings .... you want more...he don´t react... so be careful.
And maybe if he see that you are not his "gameboy"... you get the answer you need.

[LateBloomer]

I think you're being played.

The game is cat and mouse.

You're the cat; he's the mouse.

Sometimes he comes out of his hole, teases you. You then give chase. He zigs and zags and darts right back into his hole. Then you're left there all by yourself with no one to play with.

Eventually you're gonna get tired of this game and go find a Kook Kat to hang out with.

[BobInTampa]

Well, i think alot of things are going on here and at the end of the day, there's little YOU can do to really change the dynamic youre in.

I have to ask you directly, did you agree to be "roomates" for the reasons you initially stated, OR did you agree to be roomates becuse deep in you heart you were hoping that living together might give him the security to be more "open" to things (ie: he would come out as gay and you'd both fall in love and live happily ever after)?

You see, the questions you're asking sound like they are coming from a guy who's heart is a bit broken due to the fact that he's NOT moved closer to you emotionally and the "massage" was the first real intimacy you had and now he's pulled back.

Look, i don't know if your buddy is bi or gay. It's 2012 and young folks are so much more open to things, acts and behaviours then even 5 or 10 years ago. Could it be he's really, really a best friend who knows and accepts your being gay and is comfortable being around you naked and hard? Yep. Could he be bi? Maybe. Could he be gay? maybe. Is there anything you can do or say that's going to make him come out? NO! So stop trying.

My advice is (and this will be tough), that you try to return to your "friends only" level of roomates. Try to move on with some new gay friends and see what happens. It's not worth losing a best friend because he's not ready to be your boyfriend. If doing that will cause you too much pain (or you start acting like a jealous guy becuse he's spending time with a GF or other folks) then you should quietly start making plans to find another place to live when you lease is up.

Only time will answer your question, but again, keep in mind there's nothing you can do to "make" him say or do anything in regards to his sexuality or you as a "boyfriend." So, take a deep breath, and try to bring things back to something more "normal" with him. Lay off the questions. Try and smile and just be his friend. See what happens.

[pellaz]

welcome to gs

what does he think of gay men? could he be one himself?
the real question is how he sees his sexuality. Is he totally straight, probably not. How much is he compatible with the same sex. Try to carry a conversation a little further along these lines. He may have never thought in terms like this. Patience if he becomes un cooperative change the topic.

ok given he is sorta gay, how does he feel about himself being gay. Is it socially morally un acceptable. Is he displeased he has same sex feelings (if any) and homophobic at least inside himself.

try; bring home a date.

[thisLIFE]

All these replies make sense and thank you its helping alot, seem to be getting the same answer that I kind of knew had to happen i just dont want to do it... I like seeing him as a boyfriend at one point, atleast just trying it you know? like hes a really close friend that i feel really comfortable around, and thats the main reason i moved out with him. Sure i had it in my mind that it might help him be more "open" but i knew we could live together without there being problems and that i can live somewhere i could just be myself and who im living with wouldnt care.
Its hard to just try and keep at that friends level because i think we could have something amazing, and i wanna share those intimate moments with him, we used to just stare into eachothers eyes and smile and nothing else really mattered. I know i have to move on, but what if i dont want to? Finding someone else is probably what i need, but i want to share all these things with him and its so hard when hes so close to me. It just bugs because we never tried anything emotionaly and i dont want to look back at what COULD have been. ive had enough of those because i wasnt comfortable with myself. I feel like i came on really strong when i tried to be more, and i was kind of negative about being gay because i was just accepting it myself, then he helped me accept it. Told him i was in love with him after he said we should just be friends, im not sure if i ment it i definantly see him as more but i was just coming out and it made sense at the time. Did i scare him off? or am i just having false hope?

[pellaz]

i really think your are having false hopes. after all this time if nothing happened than enjoy him as a friend. you should re affirm you just want to be friends. You enjoy time with him.

recall:
"he said; we should just be friends"
at that point you should have asked why he wants to limit it like that. Is he gay? All bets are off if he is not gay.

[PaperMachete]

It just bugs because we never tried anything emotionaly and i dont want to look back at what COULD have been.

Try not to look back and think what could have been. Reason being, right now at least, nothing can be. He's told you this. There could be several reasons why. He's not gay. He's not ready to admit to himself that he has homosexual feelings. He just wants to be your friend. He feels very safe with where his life is at and doesn't want to risk that security. Etc.

I've been in a similar situation and had all the feelings and thoughts you are going through now. It's hard. Do you have a friend or family member you can stay with for a couple days? Distance and time apart are what helped me. The other thing that helped me was that my friend told me very clearly that he did not want a relationship, but that he wanted to keep hooking up only. That didn't work for me, so we broke it off, took some time, and are now good friends again.

You also asked what if you don't want to move on. You are only setting yourself up for more (and prolonged) pain if you keep thinking like that. Sorry if it sounds harsh, but if he doesn't want a relationship or isn't ready for one, what you want doesn't matter. I had to come to that realization and once I did, I was able to get over it, move on, and be happier. I'm not saying give up on it forever, but it is not fair to you to keep yourself in a holding pattern waiting for someone who may never return the same feelings. Good luck.