I have been where you are and your wife right now is willing to do or say just about ANYTHING to keep her marriage together.
My opinion, NO, you can't be a 100% open and out gay man and continue your role and duties as a heterosexual spouse. You may feel you can at first, but at the end of the day, your needs and desires for full and complete happiness will drive you and her even further apart.
Yes, it's going to hurt (both of you and your family), and so perhaps you should seek couples and individual counseling to help soften the blow.
My advice is to just continue your transition and start the process of ending your marriage (please be mature and fair). I would also find a lawyer with experience in "coming out" issues and divorce and find out your options, responsibilites and how to both protect what you've built financially while still taking responsibility for your soon-to-be exwife and family.
I would start looking for an apartment as well. You need to separate yourself from your old world. There's no way you can really pretend you are a happily married man when you're not.
Over time, yes, you can be great friends with your ex-wife - and in fact, its critical that you do eveything you can to make this upcoming divorce as civil as possible. You're always going to be your children's father and you'll be still raising your kids with your ex wife - so be a stand up man on that issue.
But know this, right now your wife is in panic-and-protect mode. SHe'll do and say alot of things to try and "work thru it" and save the marriage - but that will soon change. Soon, those feelings of fear will change to anger and resentment (ie: i can't belive he lied to me for so many years - he ruined my life and my hopes for a happy life). Then, of course, the divorce will then bring up even more feelings of anger and resentment. Once that phase passes, she'll get to a point of acceptance - that is, no matter what she wants, she can't make you str8 or love her anymore, and she'll calm down.
This process can take a few months or many years - alot tho, depends on how YOU act! So just start preparing yourself for this journey, but know there IS a light at the end of the tunnell and you'll come out the other end a fully independant gay man. That's a new journey too!
I hope you have some level of support from friends or family - having a strong support system will help you thru all of what you're going to go thru in the next few months or years!
Hang in there. Many of us have gone thru what you've gone thru and have both survived and thrived. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Get some counseling and stay strong in the knowlege that what you're doing is the RIGHT THING for everyone involved.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
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I think it depends on the individuals involved as to whether you can stay in a hetero marriage or not.
In your case, if she stick to her "don't cheat on me" stand, and you honor that, then no. I doubt you want to go celibate for the rest of your life. Yes for a while you won't be hooking up beyond gay friends but, someday you will likely want a partner and, that could cause serious waves with her, unless she decides it's okay.
It won't be easy, whatever happens but, you will be happier in the long run.
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I think you can both start out with the best of intentions, and trying to do the right thing for the children, but the reality is that today you are a different person. I know as I was in exactly the same situation that your in (two kids, married 13 years before I came out)
The reality is however that you will want to catch up on what you've missed out on all these years, which by the way is a completely natural thing to do. Your wife will also go through a phase of starting to resent you, which could get pretty ugly, especially if you have kids around (you don't mention their ages - and that also is a factor)
All of this external pressure can and will lead to emotional turmoil.
Before I came out I knew there was going to be a couple of steps to the whole process:
1. Come out to yourself - Can be really hard to do if you are in an otherwise loving relationship.
2. Come out to your wife - Very emotional for both
3. Explain to the kids, as much or as little depending on their ages (mine were 9 & 11 at the time)
4. Come out to both sets of parents - they will know something is going on and want some clarification of the situation
4. Move out the family home and give your self the space you need to develop and be who you are
It took me 6 months to get from 1 to 4, and another 12 months before my ex and I were on friendly enough terms to talk about the experience without getting over emotional.
Divorce followed some 2 years later when I met my bf, and we considered a civil partnership (which hasn't happened btw) Ive been with my partner almost 8 years now.
I guess the message is, everyone does things differently and don't be in a rush to do everything in the first month. Just take things at a pace that you can cope with emotionally, while still providing an appropriate level of support to the family along the way.
In the meantime, welcome to the rest of your life 
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[quote=BobInTampa]I have been where you are and your wife right now is willing to do or say just about ANYTHING to keep her marriage togethe
I can see she is trying, she cooked today a special and asked me yesterday to have sex, I felt she was testing me and honestly I found it very difficult because I hardly could touch her, I wasn´t there. Obviously, it wasn´t the same, she doesn´t say anything but I noticed she noticed it, was simply different.
Maybe I should give her time to realize what happened, I keep myself open, she knows I am not restraining anymore, and I not even thinking to go back, is simply not an option. Even at work they don´t do jokes because of me, somebody told me a week ago and I haven´t said anything.
On other hand, my son of 12 years is in camp and is returning next week that will give her more support, she can relax a little and think quietly. Honestly, I sometimes prefer she throw me out, it would be easier, really.
When we were talking I told her we can give us some time, I move out for some time and will see, but I don´t want to give her hopes of something I won´t know if I will be able to do.
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I hung out and dated a few boys. I came to the conclusion the relationship with my wife was more or less as solid as the best gay date i could find but no more. I would have stuck with the wife but seems we never were able to get back together. Sorry for making everything so complicated, consider EVERY option. Best wishes.[/QUOTE]
I sometimes think this way... because the company and speaking to her, sharing certain things, she is really a nice person, also I forgot to tell, that she told me that her previous BF before me and one of her closest male friend that is still closeted are Gay too, so I thing there is a pattern here.
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i dont know abut anyone else but it took me quite a few years to get everything done. Settle with the wife, get the divorce and re structure the deed and mortgage on my house. so you have to REALLY want it. In the end relationships are all the same too. I love my husband, wish we could get married.
there was no good source of information while i was dong this. All i can add is be on the outlook for a good circle of friends gay or straight, look into a lawyer.
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BobInTampa Wrote:I have been where you are and your wife right now is willing to do or say just about ANYTHING to keep her marriage together.
My opinion, NO, you can't be a 100% open and out gay man and continue your role and duties as a heterosexual spouse. You may feel you can at first, but at the end of the day, your needs and desires for full and complete happiness will drive you and her even further apart.
Yes, it's going to hurt (both of you and your family), and so perhaps you should seek couples and individual counseling to help soften the blow.
My advice is to just continue your transition and start the process of ending your marriage (please be mature and fair). I would also find a lawyer with experience in "coming out" issues and divorce and find out your options, responsibilites and how to both protect what you've built financially while still taking responsibility for your soon-to-be exwife and family.
I would start looking for an apartment as well. You need to separate yourself from your old world. There's no way you can really pretend you are a happily married man when you're not.
Over time, yes, you can be great friends with your ex-wife - and in fact, its critical that you do eveything you can to make this upcoming divorce as civil as possible. You're always going to be your children's father and you'll be still raising your kids with your ex wife - so be a stand up man on that issue.
But know this, right now your wife is in panic-and-protect mode. SHe'll do and say alot of things to try and "work thru it" and save the marriage - but that will soon change. Soon, those feelings of fear will change to anger and resentment (ie: i can't belive he lied to me for so many years - he ruined my life and my hopes for a happy life). Then, of course, the divorce will then bring up even more feelings of anger and resentment. Once that phase passes, she'll get to a point of acceptance - that is, no matter what she wants, she can't make you str8 or love her anymore, and she'll calm down.
This process can take a few months or many years - alot tho, depends on how YOU act! So just start preparing yourself for this journey, but know there IS a light at the end of the tunnell and you'll come out the other end a fully independant gay man. That's a new journey too!
I hope you have some level of support from friends or family - having a strong support system will help you thru all of what you're going to go thru in the next few months or years!
Hang in there. Many of us have gone thru what you've gone thru and have both survived and thrived. Take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Get some counseling and stay strong in the knowlege that what you're doing is the RIGHT THING for everyone involved.
Now she have changed her acttitude and she is very distance, holding herself and avoiding me as much as possible, maybe it will the best for us at the end, although, it hurts a lot
Thanks Guys for the support.
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Thanks Guys, your information is very very helpful and supportive,
Today, I told her that I am not looking for a partner, that I love her and if we split I would give all the support and help, even we spoke about conditions of the divorce, that I would like to be best friends and again I reassured her that I am Gay because I think she´s autodenying it.
We wen´t out to grab something to eat and really as you all said IS DIFERENT. I think as much you tried it is only a matter of time she realizes this and accepts, and I think she noticed it too. There were some tears on the way,
Thank you very much
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I am in the line of thinking that at the end all relationships are same whether Gay, bi, hetero, you have to compromise, is the sharing, caring and looking after each other. I reached an agreement with my wife to try before splitting out, but I will be open and not denying anything, perhaps this sounds weird, but denial is not an option anymore, I simply can’t. We agree that I want to meet another people and if something is meant to happen will happen, we must accept our nature and you can’t fight back, is a waste of time. She recognized that she like Gay man; after all I am the second time in her life and it seems she is accepting me this way more.
We will give a try and if it works perfect, although, it won’t be the same, I not expecting to be the same, honestly I am simply myself. it is still a relationship with someone you love, BUT if we see that it doesn´t work, and perhaps is meant to fail, at least we tried it and it will help us to reduce the emotional blow (|I haven’t slept more than 3hrs per night for the last two weeks, lost weight) and accept that each party definitely should take a different path from now and be best friends.
In my experience, we tend to miss things that no longer exist and once you realize it, the acceptance process is clearer and healthier and we can act without any doubt. After all, she deserves it for all of those years and I can’t come out and leave straight away. Emotionally is too much from what we can bear.
Meanwhile, I want to empower her to face the possible upcoming new issues, make her more self confidence and stronger. After all, she is the only woman I am being able to love and love me.
Whatever will be, will be
The future´s not ours to see
Que Sera, Sera
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Now I believe that a Gay man in a Hetero marriage is incompatible after you come out, my wife, family and friends know. In one hand you love your wife but my nature goes in another direction, and at the end your nature will be with you always and it hasn´t changed in 25 years. I am being faithful to my wife always and before coming out I was selfdenying and fighting against, so I considered myself a Warrior but now I recognize, love and accept that I am a Gay man, if I stayed in my marriage I would simply be a pretender/ lier.
Either way I am going with my wife as friends next weekend on a trip and then we agree that I must go.
(By the way the trip was booked and paid before all this.)
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