A thing nightmares are made of..... not good

[zeon]

Hello all,
I want to get something off my mind and it will be long winded so please bear with me... Today i am beginning life as nothing more than a mere peasant.. What is now my ex is offically apparently moving up north and leaving me with something that will eventually destroy me if im not careful... l dont know whether it will mean i come out the other side in one piece or not but i need somewhere to say what i want to put my story somewhere incase someone is wanting to trace something on me...

Back in 2005 i found this wonderful guy sitting in a bar with only a bag of clothes beside him drinking a pint of carling... l spent my evening talking to this guy and ended up going back to his small crap rented room for the most heart warming moments which made me feel like something id not felt like a long time... We spent our first night of our new relationship sitting on Brighton beach in the freezing cold beside the pier cuddling up not giving a shit to what lied in our ways we both felt estatic and he gasped as i grabbed his hand and i noticed his cuts where his ex had beaten him up.. l was informed he had to return to Derby to collect his last paycheck so when that day came he gave me his last polo which i wore with pride on my necklace and kept it there until he came back... Admittedly it went green but i didnt care i felt my love grow stronger and then got the call he needed to be collected urgently his ex was attacking him so i stopped what i was doing hopped in the car and drove til 3am looking for him when i found him and dedicated celine deions I DROVE ALL NIGHT to him as our song... Despite getting stopped by the police for putting rear fog light on at them when they flashed me for doing 65 in a 70 at 2am..

l thought to myself this guy is wonderful and our first christmas together i bought him an xbox and hid it all around the car and as i drove to leicester to meet his mum and family for the first time i spent many moments laughing at him trying to find something in obvious and not so obvious places.. l laughed at the way he couldnt hold in the pee moments and urinated in a cup we had on floor and wound the window down and threw it out and the force of 70 mph gusts from driving threw it straight back in his face to which i replied "Now thats what u call taking the piss". l remember how he played madonna more times than i can count til i threw the bitch out the window...

When it came to him leaving that property i found him somewhere to live right away and we spent five years there... We both got jobs and built our lives from nothing... l spent many times playing april fool jokes on him from cling filming the toilet seat to tying the bedroom door to the other lodgers door... l remember how i helped and supported him when he got raped by two guys on a night out and how i got him some professional help. l used to laugh at the way he would tell me how his always wanted a laptop and never had one so one day i picked him up from work and took him to the store and said... babe i need to get a wire for my pc its not working right..." Whilst i was looking for this imagenary wire he was looking at the laptops and i told him so which ones u looking at? He pointed out some and i dropped the hidden suprise by letting him know that whatever one he wanted... He could have to which he said we cant afford it... I used to say we are in debt and might as well enjoy being in debt it isnt a big amount to pay each month...

l spent the months paying it off and our following valentines day i bought him a bike and got a 20ft chain and 20 padlocks.. Each key had a riddle attached and upon solving the small riddle u found a key.. The last one was based on sport and was a anagram of ski's em.. I got a kiss of him and passed the final small key into his mouth from mine and said there u go u completed the challenge.. I laughed and loved the way he bought me a dog for my 22nd birthday and i laughed at the endless moments we spent with her out and about... *(see next post below)

[zeon]

l remember the day we decided to be a bit adventurous and have ourdoor sex just the once... lt was so different and so deadly as well that we both got some sort of kick out of it... l loved looking forward to the seventh weekend of our rosta shifts because we could go to leicester for a break and spend many nights out in the town living the life having the laughs and so on... l placed a bet with him that i could give up smoking easily to show he can and this i have failed... l remember the night he got drunk and ran naked up the street and two guys looked out their window i remember the night we went out dressed up as the corpse and corpses bride and i left him asleep in the car as a woman til nine in the morning and parked two streets away for maximum effect and giggles... l remember everything we did together of the happy times and long for them until a change of heart....

A change of heart slowly loosing the love loosing the will and loosing the life... My true love who i have loved and always will do was wanting more and i couldnt provide more and we spent nights in and then i was declared boring i was told many times i was ugly and stupid and was never given a second chance in a lot of things... l felt so upset i used to be emotional over stupidn things and he would cuddle me for assurance... l promised him i would never leave no matter what he was my love of my life and told him one day id like to marry him and all i had on me was some haribo sweets so i got on one knee at work in the street and asked him outright and he said Yeah when u buy me a proper ring not this haribo bollocks now get upo and stop making a tit of us!... l was ready to leave him when we were getting repossessed and the clouds grew darker between us. He was alays out drinking and partying and missing work and i was getting my job done with overtime to give him anything i could to show him i wanted us to work i wanted us to be strong and i wanted us to have OUR future... l helped him find his son and find his feet and got him on the property ladder and helped him get his dreams going... Then in february this year he bought drugs and i ended it... Devistated... l fell into depression and have lost 2 1/2 stone in weight and tonight realised i cannot afford to do shopping for the next month so will make do with my food i have and hope it gets me through my next month..

l found out yesterday his moving to manchester and today informs me his moving to blackpool... l am slowly going to loose everything i have fought for and possibly end up homeless but i wont give up my dogs without them i will have no sanity left. l am working all my days off now to try to make the ends meet and keep the debt collectors off my back and i have called some some willing to help others not so and as for the bank.... they will make me go under as they have given me the biggest debt of all so HSBC i do hope your dead proud if i fail in life by upgrading my over draft when i asked not to be...

l dont know where my life will go or how it will pan out but one thing i have accepted is two possible fates

£12,000 is my debt and if i dont get out of it in one piece and be able to enjoy life i know the other is i go under slowly fade away and spend my time possibly resting in peace from everything that i have fought against in life from childhood abuse from a trusting person to my first and second true loves leaving me for another man after they have built me up to a high place....

Kindest regards

Aunty Zeon

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Zeon,

I'm so sorry you are in such pain/hurt.

I wish there was something 'real' I could give you for that pain.

I fear there are no words that can really ease your heart. While many thoughts flicker through my mind, none of them will really do anything to ease the pain, nor help you through these other trials.

You are loved. Many of us here love you - no not as a lover (well maybe someone here has those feelings) - but we love you as a brother (or sister) and do care about you. I'm willing to wager that there are people in your life (face to face people) who love you. I find it difficult to imagine that a man of your heart goes through life loveless.

All of this stuff will pass. Yes I know, right now these things look insurmountable, but you will get through, there is a far end to it all. It will take time (and I image lots of hard work).

Just remember to breathe - humans tend to forget to breathe when they need to do it most.

Here is a Cyber hug I know it doesn't comfort as much as a real one, but I fear there is that pond and a bit of landmass between us.

[Blue]

Wow, very touching. I don't know the laws in the UK very well but, maybe you could find a debt counseling service that offers free assistance in consolidating and paying things down slowly with payments you can afford or, and yes it's no fun, file for bankruptcy.

That is no picnic to be sure, and it leaves a stain on your credit for years to come, but, you can move beyond that. I did it back in 1990, never know it to see my credit today though. Same sort of situation, a partner left me with no other way to survive. Yes I went with chapter 13 (here in the USA that means you are giving back all you can and declaring you are unable to pay any amount of any of the debts you include in the bankruptcy.) I lost my car and the semi I was buying at the time, but I saved the small bit I had in my bank account and, I prevented anyone from garnishing my pay check.

Also ruined my credit for the next seven years - no chance anyone was going to give me credit to pay for anything. So where did that put me today?

Today I own my home and the five acres it sits on, I own a pick up truck and a new Malibu Eco - free and clear, no loans, mortgage or anything on those. I own a canoe and am building my own fishing boat. My net worth is just a bit over 1,000,000.00 US dollars, credit rating is excellent.

Why am I telling you this? Because, I want you to know that, even as bleak as it looks now, it is possible to get through it and, come out shining and, smiling. Was it easy, no, lots of hard work, scrimping and saving at every corner I could, lots of sacrifices, a long struggle but, it can be done.

I believe in you, you have what it takes to do just what I did because, you see, I'm nobody special, just another gay guy that lost it all when he came out, then screwed up his finances big time and, lost it all a second time. If I can do it, anyone can and you are somebody - you're you and that's all you need to be.

[pellaz]

A thing nightmares are made of..... not good

me too.

just to become single again when you least expect, well just how is someone to find their life again.

[zeon]

Hi,
# I know i will find an answer somewhere but where i dont know i want to just do things in life and get them easily done i mean if i lose the home im in and everything i have in life ill be possibly just saving as much as i can til i can buy a propertyu out right and will not go abroad til im over the hill or possibly never be able to do that in my life. l know that for the next year if i have to work everyday iw ill to fight for my home and my right to live where i live and save my money up for something special one day where i can rent this place out and havbe a new home... lt is my dream to build my empiure and say this is my worth and this is what i can proove

[Blue]

That is a good dream to have. When we are young, it seems a long way off, but before you know it, retirement age will be knocking on your door. Making that dream come true will insure a good retirement for you.

[zeon]

well at this young age at the moment im just sitting here writing out plans incase something happens like an illness etc so there is no dispute over things i am scared and dont know yet where im going but the sooner the day comes i am alone in the office alone at home and alone on christmas and birthday the sooner i can accept things and move on... The first year will kill me with working all hours i can do but i have to keep going i guess as im too proud to just give in

[Blue]

That's wise. I have a standard will as well as a living will and, a medical power of attorney in place. When something happens, and is when, not if, even if that's death from old age, I know there are legal documents that will insure my wishes are carried out and, that whom I chose will inherit my possessions, property and, money.

As for holidays alone, that had been the case more of my life than not. Except growing up in a home that did not celebrate any but Thanksgiving and Easter, then save for the few holidays I have spent with my partner (my last usually went to his family for holidays) I have spent most holidays alone. Not a big deal, especially as I got older. After a while, a holiday is just another day.

[ceez]

I'm sorry this is happening to you zeon, I'm glad to hear that you are not giving up that easy. I really wish it was something I could do. stay strong and keep fighting