I have seen this happen before and I am going to give you some different advice than usual because I want you to find a peaceful resolution if possible and I am hoping one of the things I have to say will help you do so.
The first thing that stands out for me is the number of years you have been together and all of the things you share. So many times...the couple will basically split up and live together out of convenience or habit...but as friends or even just roommates if friendship is not possible. This can allow you to emotionally and physically and mentally disengage without the upheaval. The reason I say this is that I remember what you said about your business being slow and also how much you like your home and the land you tend to and also your physical health and the pain you are in. It is easy for someone else or even yourself to say "I am leaving" but it isn't always the best move depending on the circumstances.
The other two things I have to say are not really anything you will be able to do right away but I am hoping if I tell you about them now you will file them away and remember them and maybe use them if you choose someday.
I have read about your life now for quite some time and I have great empathy for you but I worry a bit about your bitterness sometimes...I completely understand where it comes from but it is not healthy for you mentally or physically or emotionally....and you don't want to add another notch to that belt.
...and so my two essential tools...when or if you are ever ready for them...
You have to throw yourself into the forgiveness mode before you cripple yourself with the bitterness. Don';t worry.,..he never has to know about it and dont' start with him...practice it with someone else first. I think it is essential to moving past something.,Too often we leave a situation but inside we never really leave it because we dont' process it. Forgiveness is the nicest thing you can do for yourself. I realize it sounds obnoxious but it is a worthy task to undertake. I could elaborate but just in case you want to throw a book at me for saying that I will leave it at that for now
The second part of what I have to say might sound harsh but I truly believe it is THE best single ingredient to overcoming pretty much any adverse situation. This is really easy to say but very hard to do. It took me 8 years after the abusive relationship I was in to do it which is why I say "tuck it away"...but at some point...with any relationship...own your part in it. It is the best thing you will ever do for yourself emotionally because it will accomplish one very important thing...you will cease to be a victim.
I feel like you probably know all of this but I am hoping that you can come away even better than before versus broken in any way.
I really am sorry about what has happened. I am not sure that "open relationship" is really the correct term because that is something both people have to agree to and you did not agree. The truth is...he lied to you.
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If I were in your place, I would pack him a eating package and give him a kick.. ... I would not get me stressed by constantly asking me what he is doing now.
My Ex knowed that he has to be open, fair and honest ....he was not so I kicked him out. It is not a problem for me if my partner has sex with a other man... but I want to know. The - for me - most terrible thing is to feel not secure and I can´t feel secure if I can´t trust my partner.
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David, who's been keeping who in clover over the past 14 years? I know things are difficult economically and that his search for a job is not very fruitful, but how long is he going to be sponging on you?
Apart from that one bout of doing the laundry recently, what part of your couple life does he perform in??? It sounds like you don't need him any more, but maybe he needs you. The question is: can you go on like this, or do you need a change of scenery?
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David, I just want to send you a  because maybe you don't need too much honesty as much as you need a bit of loving and consideration... You are too good for your own boots, but a leopard can't change its spots.... and you know that. There's only so much trampling a person can take before they are trodden into the earth. Maybe you are going through a bout of depression, with this indifference?
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ManicLewis21 Wrote:I think a meteor just crashed into your ocean. You may witness a mega tsunami in the next few days, weeks, or even years. Good things about tsunamis though is, after all the chaos while the ocean is swallowing all living life. afterword; there is nothing left and the land is clean and spotless of pollution. He doesn't deserve your care. make sure when the tsunami hits, he goes down with the ocean.
Wow. What a freakishly scary description of things. But you may be right.
I guess I'm not so much waiting for the next shoe to drop, I'm waiting for a mega-tsunami...
Maybe that is why my 'reaction' is 'dulled' at this moment because I'm expecting 'more'.
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BobInTampa Wrote:Well, i know how you feel! My prior 10-year LTR ended after i finally discovered that my "husband" was dating a mutual "friend" of ours for years and the last 3 years was nothing but a ruse while they planned their "new life" together.
Hmm there is a lot in your post to digest and I have read it and reread it once already and most likely will reread it again.
Exit strategy: Hmm that is a hard one. I've been making a mental checklist of stuff 'His, Mine, Ours' I never realized how in 14 years Ours has gathered a lot of crap!:o Refrigerator, stove, TV, lots of other stuff... .
On the bright side I do have a chainsaw, I guess I can cut the refrigerator, stove and HDTV in half.... Note to self, buy new chains.
Technically this place is 'mine' in that I'm caretaker of the property for the owner of the property. I was here before my 'partner'. It is kinda sorta my job - I never really considered it as resume material since I live here, but I could make a strong legal case in my favor...
Financially its 'complex'. Until November of last year he was unemployed. Part of a huge lay-off at DHL. For two years (99 weeks?) he was 'looking for work' - well if playing farmville and Wizards 101 is considered looking for work.
During that time I was the only one with a job (two if you consider the caretaker thing). And my business started slowly declining as less and less jobs could be lined up.
The start of this year I just plumb gave up on the small business thing and am now in the process of getting on SSI/SSD. What with the truck throwing a rod earlier this year and the small fact that construction/small contracting jobs have all but completely vanished there is no profit in it.
Prior to the economic crash we were doing fairly well, both working, both setting aside money (retirement funds), both paying bills 'equally'.
What do I want? Hmm. Good question. I really am not certain at this time what it is I want. Perhaps when the Tsunami Hits I will have a better idea?
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I'm sorry to hear this, you really deserve better. Orientations aside, I'd definitely see you as a keeper to be prized above all others without a need for a quick lay on the side.
And IIRC, this is the same guy who can't keep from opening infected files, even though he should know by now. If he can't even change that self-destructive behavior then he can't change his sexual behavior which is even more core to our being.
And for what it's worth (which may not be much) I had a lover that I thought was for life. We were together for 5 years (and had known each other for 7) and survived a lot of drama, including when I busted her for cheating which I forgave her for, and was sure we'd grow old together. And when signs of cheating started I wouldn't even see it (for example, when she suddenly got secretive about her calls I thought she must be helping someone secretly and was impressed, or possibly planning out a surprise for me, ah, irony). When I realized the truth and confronted her as you did your [*ahem*] boo I felt something die in me and it ended with her leaving. At first I was just numb and even didn't care that I know she claimed some CDs as she left as her own just trying to start a fight (I just wanted her gone and was grateful we didn't have a pet to fight over). In retrospect I think I was in shock, mostly operating on automatic, and I think I did a lot more sleeping than usual (as I just couldn't read or take joy in anything else).
And then, a few days after she left, it suddenly hit me and I was devastated, feeling both rage and grief. And then I slowly recovered throwing myself into the business of living while I healed. And over 3 years later I've even forgiven her and view her with compassion (and genuinely wish her well), though I will never forget or be with her again, and even just last night I had a dream about her (and wish those dreams would stop).
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Blue Wrote:For me the question of working through something like this or not is a simple one. Will you ever be able to fully trust him again regardless of your relationship status? There's your answer. I don't know how you will answer that question, but were it me, that would be the one that answered all the rest for me.
It's your call, I know what I would do and, that's give him a time limit for getting out of my house. Depending on a lot of factors, I'd decide if it was fair to give him some sort of voluntary separation settlement in the form of money or a vehicle or, simply to give him time to get his crap together and get out. That's me though and you know what's best for you at this point.
Whatever you do, it's time to take care of you and not worry too much about him or anyone else right now. Do what you need to do for yourself.
Trust? Hmm No I doubt I will be able to trust him anymore.
Time limit may be the hard one. As I just posted above, "We" are tangled up pretty tight not only in stuff and in finances. We share other 'things' too. Family, Friends - dogs, mutual responsibility to other people.
14 years of being part of that family... They are essentially the only family I have since my biological family is less than savory to be around.
I've been through break-ups before. People pick sides, lines are drawn and the next thing you know we have the Hatfields and McCoys all over again.
My Third partner's mother was 'devastated' after a near three year 'happy' relationship (she didn't know the details) suddenly and violently ended. While we said we would remain close, the reality is that as soon as I walked out the apartment door the distance between her became immense.
It was hard for her to remain on talking terms with me, having me stop by and visit while her son is 'nagging' her about 'Hey that's my ex you are being friendly with.'
I know you are a practical man - it has shown through here and there in your posts. Is there a 'practical' solution with the emotional ties to the 50 or so other people I 'married' when I 'married' my partner?
Yes I invested a lot of emotional energy in my partner, but in truth I have also invested a lot of emotional energy in his family. From things like tending the ill family members to being the one the Nieces are 'safe' enough with to call at 3AM in the morning to run down to Los Angeles to bail them out of trouble with their 'friends'.
I hunted and fished with his dad, his dad became my 'dad' in many ways - actually provided me with emotional things I needed that my other biological father was unable to give me. Granted the 'father-in-law' passed on a few years ago, but I am tied in to his family through more than just my partner.
Right now the Mother-in-law is in poor health. She is 86, worn out and did a bit too much drinking over the last 60 years. Both I and my partner are the near-by 'caregivers'. She falls in her apartment and hits the life alert button, we are the ones called first. She is refusing to go into assisted living, flat refuses to move in with any relative - a strong-willed, independent woman.
We already know they will feel obligated to stick up for him. He is blood, blood is thicker than water. But that doesn't mean its going to be easy to 'let go'.
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East Wrote:I have seen this happen before and I am going to give you some different advice than usual because I want you to find a peaceful resolution if possible and I am hoping one of the things I have to say will help you do so.
The first thing that stands out for me is the number of years you have been together and all of the things you share. So many times...the couple will basically split up and live together out of convenience or habit...but as friends or even just roommates if friendship is not possible. This can allow you to emotionally and physically and mentally disengage without the upheaval. The reason I say this is that I remember what you said about your business being slow and also how much you like your home and the land you tend to and also your physical health and the pain you are in. It is easy for someone else or even yourself to say "I am leaving" but it isn't always the best move depending on the circumstances.
The other two things I have to say are not really anything you will be able to do right away but I am hoping if I tell you about them now you will file them away and remember them and maybe use them if you choose someday.
I have read about your life now for quite some time and I have great empathy for you but I worry a bit about your bitterness sometimes...I completely understand where it comes from but it is not healthy for you mentally or physically or emotionally....and you don't want to add another notch to that belt.
...and so my two essential tools...when or if you are ever ready for them...
You have to throw yourself into the forgiveness mode before you cripple yourself with the bitterness. Don';t worry.,..he never has to know about it and dont' start with him...practice it with someone else first. I think it is essential to moving past something.,Too often we leave a situation but inside we never really leave it because we dont' process it. Forgiveness is the nicest thing you can do for yourself. I realize it sounds obnoxious but it is a worthy task to undertake. I could elaborate but just in case you want to throw a book at me for saying that I will leave it at that for now
The second part of what I have to say might sound harsh but I truly believe it is THE best single ingredient to overcoming pretty much any adverse situation. This is really easy to say but very hard to do. It took me 8 years after the abusive relationship I was in to do it which is why I say "tuck it away"...but at some point...with any relationship...own your part in it. It is the best thing you will ever do for yourself emotionally because it will accomplish one very important thing...you will cease to be a victim.
I feel like you probably know all of this but I am hoping that you can come away even better than before versus broken in any way.
I really am sorry about what has happened. I am not sure that "open relationship" is really the correct term because that is something both people have to agree to and you did not agree. The truth is...he lied to you.
Hmm Bitter. I wasn't aware I sound or come off as bitter. Maybe I am.
Right now I'm feeling a great big nothingness... It is a bit troubling to my mind, but at the same time I don't even feel (emotionally) troubled - its just an intellectual 'Well this can't be good' tip of the hat to what I feel (or actually don't feel) right now.
Yeah yeah yeah, forgiveness - stop nagging me for Christ's sake :biggrin:
You pretty much know I understand things intellectually, like the power of forgiveness is not for the forgiven but for the forgiver. I know that - intellectually.
As for 'own your own part' in this... When I think about it I start coming up with 'good reasons' why he should go out and do what he does. I can too easily 'blame myself'... Other people get into the 'its your fault' game, I get deeply involved with 'Its my own damn fault' game.
I'm really good as excusing people. Excusing myself, not so much. I have been trying real hard to not make a list of 'who did what' at this time. I think that I may actually go into the mode of lumping all the blame on myself, which leads to me making stupid mistakes, like giving up too much, or cutting too much slack.
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princealbertofb Wrote:David, who's been keeping who in clover over the past 14 years? I know things are difficult economically and that his search for a job is not very fruitful, but how long is he going to be sponging on you?
Apart from that one bout of doing the laundry recently, what part of your couple life does he perform in??? It sounds like you don't need him any more, but maybe he needs you. The question is: can you go on like this, or do you need a change of scenery?
I don't think there is 'sponging' going on. For the first 11 years we were pretty much partners in the economics department. Yes the past three years (roughly) has been touch and go.
But he lost his long term job at DHL - he had invested 10 years and got laid off when DHL laid off 50 thousand of its US work force. Then two yeas of trying to find a job in California during the economic recession... While yes he may not have applied himself 100% toward the job search, the reality is that jobs were (and still are) tight around these parts.
He did get a temp Christmas job at Target and that has moved on to 'permanent' - No not full time, but then even the managers at target are not full time, thus Target doesn't have to have health insurance coverage and stuff.
The same economic forced that lead to DHL and other large corporations laying off millions of people lead to my business 'slump'. During that two years he was employes it got harder and harder to find new clients and to keep the ones I already had.
Right now yes I'm 'financially' leaning on him. But that will change when the SSI/SSD starts coming in (The Lawyer Lady said it takes 20-26 months to go through that process. :o)
There is good reason to believe that 'sponging' isn't going on.
Well there may be some, but that may be emotional 'sponging' not financial.
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