I feel so dumb right now. My First Crush of twenty years ago turned out to also be gay. Back then, she was so far in the closet she was outwardly anti-gay (which she feels horrid about now), and I was in the denial/discovery closet.
It's not like I obsessed or anything. When we were teens in a community group together, I just really loved hanging around her. I really, really liked her, and I didn't really get it back then.
Now she's half a continent away and in a rocky relationship. I haven't seen her in all these years, but we're back in touch. I keep realizing how much I miss hanging out, that I missed being around her and her quirky, awesome, and awesomely dirty sense of humor.
Is it possible to still have a crush after so long of not seeing someone? I keep telling myself I'm just idealizing. But I don't know. I do know I want to punch her gf in the face for being a jerk. Not that I ever would, but I feel like it.
Am I right to try to convince myself it's just fantasy? Or am I just being a coward? I don't want to mess w/a relationship, but she's already said she's not so sure it's the right one. But I'm such a dork in real life that when it comes to it, I'm afraid of rejection. And I'm afraid of what if she's not the same person, even if she did come back for a visit (ostensibly to her family). I don't want to build her up in my mind only to have a totally wrong picture of who she is.
Like I said, I feel so dumb right now. 
By the way, yes, she knows about me. I told her first, actually.
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I think you still feel a connection to her. Realistically that's as a dear friend, but you know she is gay and, in a rocky relationship so, naturally your mind and heart are going to hope for the possibility of more with her.
I also thing that, like me, you are a nurturer by nature and, with her being in a less than ideal relationship that might fall apart at any time, you instinctively want to take care of her and be there for her.
You also know that she may not be the ideal woman you imagine her to be, and that's simply being realistic. Also remember that if her relationship goes south and she does come to visit, you will likely be dealing with her on the rebound and, if you got into a relationship at that point, there would be a higher chance of it going south later. Not that rebound relationships can't work, they can, I've done it form both sides and had it work out for several years but, you have to keep in mind where and when it all got started and not let the changes that inevitably happen as you or they heal take you by surprise.
You aren't being dumb, you're being human. We have an amazing capacity to hope against all odds, no matter the situation. In this case I don't think that hope is entirely misplaced, but do be careful not to put her on a pedestal she can't get to the top of.
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I still habor feelings for my first love when we were 12 year olds, so there is nothing wrong with that.
All I can say is go with the flow. It may work out, it may not work out, but don't let it stop you from living your life 
Happy Birthday 
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I have dealt with a 20+ year grief process for my first love and we just reacquainted last month! Nice to be friends after all these years and expect it will stay that way as he's so in the closet he'll likely die unfulfilled. I'm cool with that after working on moving on for SO many years. But I can truly relate to "feeling so dumb."
 Life's too short to miss an opportunity to show your love and affection!
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Everyone who you meet affects you and is carried with you to affect you even more in future. Some folk have a deeper impact on you, some only 'lend' you a saying that you pick up and carry with you.
I think in this case this 'crush' was as it was, and you still carry it with you because it was part of the process that formed you.
It not odd to keep trace emotional 'echos' for people. We all do it.
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GossamerMoon Wrote:I feel so dumb right now. My First Crush of twenty years ago turned out to also be gay. Back then, she was so far in the closet she was outwardly anti-gay (which she feels horrid about now), and I was in the denial/discovery closet.
It's not like I obsessed or anything. When we were teens in a community group together, I just really loved hanging around her. I really, really liked her, and I didn't really get it back then.
Now she's half a continent away and in a rocky relationship. I haven't seen her in all these years, but we're back in touch. I keep realizing how much I miss hanging out, that I missed being around her and her quirky, awesome, and awesomely dirty sense of humor.
Is it possible to still have a crush after so long of not seeing someone? I keep telling myself I'm just idealizing. But I don't know. I do know I want to punch her gf in the face for being a jerk. Not that I ever would, but I feel like it.
Am I right to try to convince myself it's just fantasy? Or am I just being a coward? I don't want to mess w/a relationship, but she's already said she's not so sure it's the right one. But I'm such a dork in real life that when it comes to it, I'm afraid of rejection. And I'm afraid of what if she's not the same person, even if she did come back for a visit (ostensibly to her family). I don't want to build her up in my mind only to have a totally wrong picture of who she is.
Like I said, I feel so dumb right now.
By the way, yes, she knows about me. I told her first, actually.
People change right?
That would be my concern.
The idea is that you're still infatuated with the person from your past. Yeah, INTELLECTUALLY you understand she's changed. But emotionally, can you still feel the same way?
Who knows? You can meet up and keep an open mind. But be ready for differences.
Good luck.
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Here's the weird thing...
Last night I had a crazy dream in which she was a cop on a another world (human colony). She was all Law & Order like in a suit and tie. (She is a cop, but on Planet Earth, and in uniform, not a suit!)
Her hair in my dream was not like I have ever seen it. It was streaked black and white, making it look silver. Told her in a msg about the dream, and she couldn't believe it because that's how her hair is now. She was dying it to hide the white (not gray) hairs. Hereditary, and very, very cool. She sent me a new pic, and it was exactly that!
I doubt this means anything other than me being an intuitive and keyed in on someone. Could've been anybody, but it makes me think I've been thinking about her too much. Gotta chill. Been messaging a couple other gals who seem real nice and live closer. Would be good to not blind myself.
On the other hand, it would be good to see her again if she came back to visit.
I just can't decide what, if anything, I should tell her. I've never been in a position like this. It's like I'm a friggin' teenager or something! LOL (No offense to teens.)
I just hope she's not on this forum... That would be embarrassing!
I keep reminding myself that people change. That could be good, or not so good. But the injured romantic in me wants to say, "It's possible."
~Wisftul, but realistic~
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LOL, as bad as me, I suspect a few people here know me by different screen names elsewhere online, and I'm pretty sure I know at least two of you in real life. If it all ever comes together, that's going to be weird to say the least. Not that I hide anything, just odd that we cross paths in one way or another so often.
As for coming out to her, I think that sh'ed be a good ally, even if an ally and friend is all she ever is for you.
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Oh, she's the first person I came out to! Because I was miserable over the fact I missed my chance with her years ago! LOL
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It's a strange thing with crushes , we may not remember ant faults they had , but we do remember how they made us feel , with just a smile a touch.
Be careful with your expectations , we all change with time.
I am glad she is back in your life since she means so much to you.
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