Lives of Quiet Desperation

[Anonymous]

Where to begin.....thankful I can post this in anonymity I suppose. Its best to air these concerns behind a mask. Lord knows the last thing I want is to be accused of attention-whoring.

For the past few weeks now, I have been struggling with some very heavy issues and thoughts weighing heavily on my mind - the predominant one being "What has been the point of my existence up to this point? What have I done that could even be construed as worthwhile or remarkable with my life?"

The world I once knew seems to be slowly tearing at the seams; everything I once held dear slipping through my fingers. I never thought I was a "bad" person up until now, granted I have my moments of anger, selfishness and pettiness that plague us all....but I had thought my good qualities outweighed my bad for the most part. According to the little intervention that was held in my honor recently by friends and family, my eyes needed to be opened.

I go through life trying to perform acts of kindness to everyone who seems like they could use it. I do this not to massage my ego or anything of that nature, but because I genuinely want to make people feel better in a weary world. I had a terribly abusive childhood growing up and I've tried to channel that anger and sorrow into positive acts of kindness. But it would seem people don't buy that. I was recently told to "quit acting like you're some sort of fucking saint and knock yourself down a peg or two." I don't think of myself as a saint. I get embarrassed and uncomfortable being complimented for the tiniest of things, let alone deluding myself into thinking that I'm something greater than I am.

I have also gone through life with a great thirst for knowledge. I enjoy learning new things and keeping my mind active. Not to show off or to act like a know-it-all, but because I am naturally curious. According once more to those close to me, I "need to understand that I am not an intelligent person. A friendly one certainly, but I'm more along the lines of a 'loveable oaf' than a learned scholar." I enjoy writing, it is a wonderful way for me to reflect on my emotions and the world around me...but I was told as well to "learn to accept my limitations and quit before I embarrass myself."

I am a very private person in my life outside these forums. I may speak often on these forums, but I am a very shy and mousy person outside of Gayspeak who wouldn't dream in a million years of trying to act the know-it-all to people. I only offer observations if asked personally so this I did not understand.

I try to be there for people in my life when they are suffering. I have pulled all-nighters many times trying to soothe and console friends and family who are going through hard times. I came to one of these people recently wanting to discuss my growing sense of self-worthlessness and depression, couldn't get my words out and just started to weep. I was met with disgusted looks and told to "knock off the pity party." That "my simpering and whining made them want to vomit." These were the same people I had put up in hotels to get away from abusive spouses and the same people who I have held while they cried.

Finally, I was told that "until I stop making a mess of myself and my life" that these people wanted nothing more to do with me and that I could call them "when I grew a pair and stopped acting like a self-absorbed asshole"

I honestly had no idea I disgusted so many people...and it makes me wonder if I really am as terrible as I have been told. I have tried so hard in my life to be a good, kind, compassionate person with a decent modicum of intelligence....but it would seem I have failed miserably. Right now I feel as though some of you good people reading my ramblings are thinking I should "knock off the pity party" as well. I am not trying to feel sorry for myself, I am trying to understand where I went wrong...and if its too late for me to do anything about it.

If I am not a kind person...or even a smart person...where does that leave me in life? I go through the motions of living, but it becomes increasingly meaningless. Apathy and self-doubt worry at me constantly. I exist, but what good does it do if I am less than a cog in life's machine? What impressions have I made on people in my short time on earth, other than contempt and dislike? I am timid, I am meek, I am soft spoken and always try to put others ahead of myself....how is it possible I have made such a mess of things and relationships in my life? I cry out for understanding and guidance, but am met with silence. What did I do to earn the ire of so many? I have tried....I honestly have.

I am completely alone now and utterly miserable. The last of my few friends have turned their backs on me. The questions won't stop spinning through my head, and the worry that I disgust so many people I come into contact with gnaws at my soul.

I want to sleep. I want to pretend this is all a bad dream and when I wake up, I will be met by the people I love. I am weary of life most of all....the pain humanity suffers each and every day....terrible deeds are committed all the time and the innocent are the ones who pay. I am still in the contemplative stages right now, but I want more than anything to be at peace....I don't think I need to embellish further than that. I need a reason to keep going and wake up to tomorrow. I need to know my life is worth something to someone.

I apologize from the bottom of my heart if this message comes off as whiny or petty. If so, I'm not realizing it it would seem. I

[East]

Hmmmm....

I am going with my gut here so I may be totally off....

I think you are putting too much stock in what other people think...and giving other people WAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY too much power over you.

Take it back...NOW! Seriously...

I have been in your shoes and I had to practice what I preach....so if you need some guidance I can help.

[LateBloomer]

I don't know how to respond but I don't want to ignore Anonymous.

There are a lot of words there but not much to sink my teeth in to, except for one part, the one about his friends staging an intervention.

Can we talk about that? Why did they feel a need to intervene?

Other than that, yeah, I agree with East. And sometimes we need a new crowd. Help us out with some more info and not your impression of what your so called friends might be thinking, or not thinking...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Here in lies your problem.

Humans are not basically good. Humans are basically selfish, with low self esteem. Its not all their fault, our society is a sick one that places way too much importance on a person's 'worth' through things like how many HDTV's they own, if they have the latest 10g phone (or whatever number its on). It also places importance on what we do for a living.

"Your a construction worker?" People have laughed in my face, as if doing manual labor is a bad thing. Really, its not, its a good solid work, I end my day with a real sense of accomplishment, all I have to do is look over my shoulder and I can say 'I built that.' (Sorry Mr Obama, I did build that particular thing).

So why are they putting me down? Because it makes the feel better.

As for doing charity - I have done my fair share (well a tad more, but I'm not keeping score and don't want to sound like I'm bragging). Like you I did it because I felt it needed to be done.

It really rankles a lot of people to see a do-gooder doing good, why? Because they know that they have failed their fellow creatures or human beings and they hate to be reminded of those failures.

Why do they smirk and make fun of you desire to learn new things? Probably because the only new things they have learned is what is Paris Hilton Wearing and who she is doing this week.

It is, by and large, a form of jealousy that these other people suffer from.

You need to figure out what makes you happy and do it, regardless what people say. People are mostly idiots and will say anything that makes them feel good about their lesser selves, especially when they are in front of an intelligent, smarter than the average bear saint such as yourself.

As for the people who you have helped that have turned around and bit you. THAT IS ON THEM.

YOU did the right thing, they are doing the wrong thing.

As for what you have accomplished in life.

Each time you have eased a pain, caused a minor smile, and done anything that is remotely unselfish, you can caused a Choir of Angels to sing somewhere above your head.


Trust me, about 95% of the human population don't even try. And because they don't try they hate anyone who does try.

Don't stop being a decent person. Continue to better yourself, to break out of the basic programming.

[Blue]

You're letting others drag you down when you know your motivations better than anyone else.

You are the intelligent, inquisitive, person you know yourself to be and, sure, it feels good to help others, even if that's just making them smile for a moment.

Hold on to what you know is good and right and, valuable about yourself. If they choose not to be your friend, then it is their loss, not yours because they just lost one fantastic friend.

Let them go, move on and find people to surround yourself with that "get" you and love and accept you for who and what you are.

Yes, there are a lot of blind fools out there that will pass up the opportunity to know you, but you'll find enough that will take and value that opportunity too.

No, your post is not petty. I think you are doing some honest soul searching and, that's a good thing. It shows a level of maturity and concern for both yourself and others that not everyone possesses.

While I doubt life is really as horrid as you feel it is right now, I understand why it seems that way to you. The thoughts and emotions that "intervention" stirred up are still fresh and raw for you, so you are seeing everything through shades of that. Take some time, get it all back in as objective a perspective as you can and, remember who you really are, not who they think you are.

[GossamerMoon]

Those people are not worthy of your time, attention, or love. It's easy to tell you not to let people have that kind of power over you, but in reality, it's not so easy, is it?

The people who treat you that was are toxic, soul poison. They may be family or friends, but in reality, they are not good for you. I had to get away from toxic people in my life before I could start appreciating who I am.

Do you mind sharing what kind of "intervention" this was? This may help in knowing what to say. There are different kinds of intervention--my mom tried to sic the church deacon on my at my grandmother's wake for a religious intervention. I suspect this is the kind of "intervention", although not necessarily religious, that they tried?

In case you are the person I was PMing with a week or so ago, I want you to know that yes, you are a wonderful, sweet, beautiful person. I'm almost sure this is you, and you can message me again if it is you. If this is not that person, you still sound like this. And yes, you are worthy of love.

Whoever you are, if you feel the need to be telling people you need help dealing with this, please, go to a professional. If you feeling you're going to hurt yourself, call 911 or go to an ER right now, or call a suicide hotline if you don't feel you can do that. If you are in danger of hurting yourself, it IS an emergency, and you need to be among people who will understand it. It is not up to anyone else to determine the validity of your feelings.

Only you can know if you're serious or not about hurting yourself. I take you seriously, as does most everyone else here. You are not alone. You need to be away from those hurtful people who are abusing you with words. Yes. It is psychological and emotional abuse, and it is just as wrong as physical abuse. You can go to a shelter if your situation warrants it.

Keep looking for help until you find it. You won't always hear what you want, but you will hear what you need, and it sounds to me like the first thing you need to hear is validation. YOU ARE WORTHY OF LOVE.

Hang in there.

[Pix]

They don't appreciate you so drop them and find people who can.

And btw, I've noticed that the dumber people are the smarter they tend to think they are (and that they think everyone else is stupid for actually daring to question what they wrongly think is "obvious" and "self-evident" and such people are otherwise unaware of their own self-serving bias). If they really were people who could speak on your not being as bright as you think you are then they could point out why (for example, common use of a fallacy, and it would need to be frequent as EVERYONE gets lazy or sloppy in their thinking and gets fallacious at one time or another, I've even seen where great and celebrated philosophers have done it).

I am curious what led up to this, but I doubt anything you say would make me change anything I just said.

[bryandurel]

Don't be their friend because it's what they want you to be, Be the man that you wan't to be and they will wan't to be your friend.

[Rainbowmum]

Wow! The group mentality of these frienemies is astonishing.

The way I view it, they are part time friends,and the reason they call you saint is because you make them fall short of values,morals .scruples and kindness.

You are giving these people way too much power over you, take it back.
Do not let anyone derail you or expect you to change for them.
Under no circumstances allow anyone to rob you of your humanity,

If they cannot accept you for who you are,"Adios muchachos,don't let the door hit you on the butt ,on the way out."

You deserve actual friends that can accept you for are.

[GossamerMoon]

Posted by George Takei today, and made me think of you: