Why do I even try?

[archubbycub]

I don't know where to even begin with this. It just seems like everytime I start to feel safe and secure, something happens to fuck it all up! I went to see my boyfriend Saturday after work. Even bought a new outfit to wear to look good for him. And from the moment I got there I could tell something was wrong.

He just seemed cold and distant, like there was something on his mind but he was afraid to say anything. As the evening went on he told me there was this other guy that he'd been thinking about and he felt bad for thinking about him. He said that nothing had happened between them but that this guy had been on his mind alot lately.

I told him that it was ok and only natural for this to happen considering we are 45 minutes apart all week and only get to see each other on the weekends. And then he told me that when we had been making out earlier that he had thought about this other guy. Sounds like karma biting me in the ass right?

So I told him to get dressed cause we were going out. We just went to the store and looked around but I was trying to give him some space to clear his head. At one point I even walked away while he was talking to a friend just so he could talk freely to him. Afterwards we grabbed a quick bite to eat them went back to his room to watch a show and cuddle.

Things were going great until another of his friends came in. That's when it got a little awkward and I have to admit I was more than a little jealous. After all, he and I were trying to work something out and needed some time just to ourselves.

So the friend finally leaves and we finish watching the show then it's time for me to leave. So he walks me to my car and we talk for awhile. I tell him that I love him and that we are going to make it through this and he tells me that he's scared because he's never had a relationship like this before and in all of his past relationships he's always gotten cold feet about 4 months in and called it off.

I tell him that I love him and that no matter what I will always be there for him and that I completely understand what he's going through. After a little more of my pep talk we ended the night with just a quick bit of making out and them I head home.

So yesterdayI think things are going good. He tells me that he's really glad we got to talk and that he's working on his fears and all. We had a really great talk during my lunch break and text each other off and on throughout the day. Of course he had rehearsals last night so there was a period between 5 and 9:30 PM where we don't talk.

He calls me after rehearsals last night and while we laughed and joked during the conversation, I could just tell that something was on his mind. It was like he called to make sure he hadn't done anything wrong. So afte a brief phone conversation and a few texts
I now find myself feeling like I'm loosing him. And that scares me!

I know it's only been a few short months but I really love this guy! I'd do anything for him and to have him say these things and act like this scares me? Am I just overreacting or do you think there's more to it than just "cold feet?" or did I jump into a relationship to soon and fall head over heels way too quickly?

[Blue]

Weekends only really shouldn't be that tough for him to handle, especially since you do talk on the phone daily (or nearly so).

Now, he's told you that he tends to get cold feet early on in a relationship. Did you ask why? Is he afraid of commitment? Maybe he's one of the sort that doesn't think he really deserves a great relationship and, that becomes a self fulfilling prophesy for him?

I think that's where you need to dig to find the root of the problem, and possibly a solution too.

The other thing to remember, and don't beat yourself up over, even if it doesn't work out: It's called falling for a reason.

[archubbycub]

He did say that the commitment was the biggest thing that scares him. I think he's looking at the fact that he wants to go into theater. After college he plans on saving up for a year or two then trying to move to New York to make it on Broadway! And the funny thing is, I want him to do just that! He's an awesome actor and prop designer and he's also going to try his hand in light design as well! I even told him that if he had to go by himself for a while I'd wait until I could find a job up there then move myself. I'd do anything for this guy! I love him that much!

[Blue]

Commitment is scary for a lot of people. Talk with him, voice your concerns and, get honest, open answers from him. That isn't being confrontational, it's simply getting the information you need to be able to do your best to make this work for both of you.

[archubbycub]

Well that's something I want to do face to face with him so I can read his emotions and see his facial expressions.

[archubbycub]

Ok so I just talked to him for a little bit via text. Not about the feelings he's been having or anything. Basically just catching up from yesterday. I swore when I woke up this morning that he was going to have to be the one to text me first, and he did. He seemed more his old self, laughing and joking and carefree. So maybe I'm reading more into this than what there really is?

[BobInTampa]

Well, 45 minutes isn't really THAT far - not like you're in different states or countries. I have a question: Does he ever drive to you or are YOU always driving to him? I ask that because if he really wants to make this work, the commuting should be mutual - yes, even if he's got a busy schedule - it's not that long a drive. If he dosnt' drive, that would make me a bit concerned because coming to your home and meeting your friends would make that "committment" to you much stronger.

All that said, my gut tells me 2 things: yes, he's been upfront about his past history of breaking off relationships in 4 months, but, did he tell you why? If i were you, I'd be really careful about coming accross and NEEDY and DESPERATE! You said all the right things when you talked, so just let it go and keep up the communications.

[archubbycub]

Thanks Bob! Yes he does come here, after all his parents live only about 5 minutes from where I do. The problem with him coming to my house is my ex wife hasn't moved out yet. But that's happening very soon. Yeah I know I'm doing wrong by seeing him while she's still around but I can't help it. He's the one that I want more than anything else. He makes everything make sense!

[archubbycub]

Ok so I just talk to him over the phone and he told me that seeing me Saturday reminded him of what a good thing he has and he doesn't want to lose it. He realizes that what we have is the stuff others only dare to dream of having and he knows I would do anything for him. I feel a lot better about all of it now. I know it's still going to take time and a lot of work bit if that's what it takes then I'm willing to do it! And I feel like he is too! :biggrin:

[Blue]

He sounds a bit gun shy, but worth working with. Send him a flirt now and then to remind him of how good he has it with you.