i don't care....

[andrew]

On September 26, 2012 at 8:42 pm, my mother told me that my father’s mother passed away.

Informing my father about the demise of his mother was task my mother was adamant on fulfilling. “Don’t tell your father” is what she said to me. To be honest, I never gave it that much thought to begin with. It was as if nothing changed and nothing did.

When my father arrived home, mother was setting up supper. Sure enough as we were eating the phone rang and mother immediately picked up the phone and moved away from the dining room. “Who was that?” father asked. “No one”, said mother. My father already knew of his mother’s condition, it was basically just a matter of knowing when.

Not long after the first call a second call bombarded us and like clockwork mother dashed to answer the phone, this time though she gave it father. After a minute of conversation on the phone with his older brother my father told us his mother died- which we already knew. As he was told this I didn’t even saw him flinch, he didn’t even cry, he just stood there by the kitchen counter as if it was nothing.

My father already accepted this long before. I didn't expect this when I came home from school and certainly didn’t expect I wouldn’t care. I didn’t have any initial response from the news, mostly because I never really knew my grandmother and me and my father never really had a close relationship.

People have flaws, it’s a universal characteristic in human beings that more often than not people tend to ignore and dismiss. We all have flaws, some of which are quite noticeable and often times we’d forget that they’re there. I never want that to happen. How can we become better, if we think there’s nothing wrong us?

[lizzielee]

You know everyone handles grief differently. Some people like to grieve privately and find it hard to express themselves when they are suffering and prehaps this is what is happening with your dad. Some people grieve long after the event. Just because you do not have any grief like feelings over this at the moment, you never wanted it to happen so that shows you have some feelings. You said that you never really knew your grandmother so that too can explain why you aren't grief stricken. You don't need to become better, you sound like you are very perspective and that will get you far in life......
I hope it goes as well as can be expected with regard to the funeral and all the comes along with that. All the best and Take care.
Love to you......
LL

[pellaz]

every boy on the planet will loose their mother. Its a right of passage. The boy is a complete person and moves forward from that spot as him self. If your lucky you will lose your parents when your about 50 years old, not before. A good exposure, look at how your parents handle this, how would you do different if you were in your fathers position?

-show love for the family, if they let you, while you got them in front of you.
-talk to your mother about your father. Talk to him too. if possible give a gift to him to fill in and replace his grief.

[andrew]

thanks guys

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My condolences on your loss.

No one actually cried when my father-in-law passed. He lived a good life, was a prosperous man. No he didn't die rich in money, he had far greater riches here on earth and stored up in heaven.

Many family members were present in the hospital room. We laughed, we joked we talked about normal things. I'm uncertain if he was aware or not, but I would like to imagine that his last experiences with his family was 'normal'. Yes we each said our own goodbye, but we didn't become dramatic or maudlin, we ushered him out with happiness and life continuing as he would want it to be.

The last few months of his life were 'difficult' he lost his ability to walk with out a walker, he ended up on oxygen. The pain settled in, he grew weak and so terribly weary. He was saved from a long, debilitating, humiliating illness before death (I have witnessed those, they are not nice).

About a month before he went into hospital he pulled us aside and said 'I decided to have a non-resuscitation order'. He explained that he was tired, that he felt he had a good run and did not fear death, but welcomed it.

He gave us each the opportunity to say good-bye and express our gratitude/love and other good stuff for having him in our lives.

We, the survivors, had a month to 'brace for impact'. His death was expected and we didn't grieve with all of those tears and horrible feelings. By the time he did pass on we were OK with it. Yes we all did grieve, but not in the conventional throw yourself on the grave and weep type of grieving.

That is not to say we wanted him to go. We do miss him, sometimes terribly. It only means we understand that his time was over and we accepted it mostly with grace and dignity.

This isn't to say I don't take the occasional shower.

--> I have a rule about crying, I only do it in the shower....

This isn't the same as a young person dying in a horrible accident, or a senseless shooting or some other form of unexpected death. We are talking about a person who lived their fullness of years, a person who follows the natural course of life to its completion.

The grief of 'accidental' or 'sudden' death is often far greater than the grief experienced when a person completes their life.

I suspect your grandmother completed her life. Your dad feels grief, but its not the terrible pining type of grief. It is most likely a healthy, reasonable grief mingled with the acceptance that she has completed life, not that she had life snatched from her.

Maybe they talked before, when she was aware that she was reaching the end of her years. Perhaps she welcomed the rest that death offered, perhaps he got to say goodbye, love you mom... thus when the day came there was none of that stuff left unsaid, or regrets.

[gavjg]

Very sorry to hear of your loss.
Grief is something which is dealt with differently from person to person.
When my Mother died a few years ago I couldn't hold back the tears but it varied depending on who was around me and who you felt comfortable with.
Some people are so reserved that they will just not show their feelings around people, And will only shed a tear when they are on their own and this is totally normal.
You know that someone is always here if you need a chat, And I wish you all the very best. mile:

[East]

I don't really know that there is anything necessarily wrong with your father.

I was thrilled when my mother died..same with my dad. I didn't want to ever have to deal with either one of them again.

When one of the speakers got up (a psychiatrist who was the relative of the new wife) to speak at my dad's funeral...he noticed that none of his sons were crying and suggested that we "need" to learn how to show our emotions...

Um...we were showing our true emotions.

I was nice enough not to tell the "family secret" after his death at the funeral where people who didnt' really know him mourned. Both of my parents should have been incarcerated....but death was the second best thing.

[megumidesu]

I was nice enough not to tell the "family secret" after his death at the funeral where people who didnt' really know him mourned. Both of my parents should have been incarcerated....but death was the second best thing.

that's what i felt about my dad ~

although i was both thrilled and upset when he died . it was very confusing ~
it still is ...

[dfiant]

People have flaws, it’s a universal characteristic in human beings that more often than not people tend to ignore and dismiss. We all have flaws, some of which are quite noticeable and often times we’d forget that they’re there. I never want that to happen. How can we become better, if we think there’s nothing wrong us?

What you described before this closing sentence is quiet clearly NOT a flaw, it's a personality QUIRK. Not everyone reacts the same way to death, some people seem to not react at all as they were already prepared.

It is definately not a flaw, it simply is what it is.

[ChadCoxRox]

I lost my mother long before she passed away. She, her older sister and older brother ALL THREE died within two years of each other due to Alzheimer's related complications. So in a sense, their passing was a welcomed relief and at the same time it was so sad. It was very conflicting; however, what was MOST upsetting was family and friends who could not understand both sides of the issue instead of "acting out" with "mama drama" when the children all expressed the acceptance with the grief.

Thanks for sharing a good depiction of what happened with you and yours. The grief process still serves an important role in your life regardless of how close you were to the deceased. And that importance may not even be useful or realized until later down the road or when you least expect it.

Best wishes for you all.