Need a new perspective

[alwaysimagine]

Spencer:
You made some very valid points and suggestions. I'll respond according to your seperation of paragraphs.

1) My shyness used to be very extreme and unhealthy because there were many other factors involved, including social anxiety, lack of confidence and self esteem, lack of experience (from having no friends and being extremely sheltered). I'm worked through most of these, and have become much better in terms of building confidence and doing things outside my comfort zone, but it still requires a great deal of mental energy and willpower. I'm just not much of a talker, so I don't say much. I normally don't talk unless spoken to. I don't try to talk over people and I don't cut people off. For me, most people are more interested in hearing themselves talk than hearing what I have to say, and since my natural state is to listen rather than talk, that's generally what I do.

2) The people I've dated are very different from each other. They vary in ethnicity, education, interests, etc. They also tend to be very confident, or at least, very good at projecting confidence to the world. Some of them were friends for a long time before I started dating them. Granted, there's only been a handful relationships, so if there is some kind of pattern or correlation between them, it's one that's more subtle that I haven't yet identified. I do have generic qualities that I'm personally attracted and drawn to, which includes things such as authenticity, honesty, strong sence of morals, and compassion/kindness, which they all seem to have in common with each other.

3) Things that you know may seem very obvious to you, but they're not at all obvious to others. It's hard to be an accurate judge of how others perceive you because you know yourself in terms of how you think, your beliefs, and your past experiences. It's easy to assume something is normal or common because you're so familiar with it when in fact, it's rare.
4) I enter relationships because I believe life has more meaning when you're sharing it with another person. Two heads are better than one. Having a partner is like having an anchor. They keep you grounded when you're stressed out of your mind. They provide you with comfort and reassurance when you're emotions are out control. Being in a relationship helps keep me sane when the world is throwing too much on my plate. To me, a partner is like a partner in crime. Someone who has your back just in case things happen to go wrong. It's not required, but it enhances the experience of living. It's someone you can learn and grow with.

I hope I addressed everything you mentioned in your post.

[alwaysimagine]

Bowyn Aerrow:
I'm very aware of the different stages of love. Societal views of love are very unrealistic and media has influenced not only people's wants and desires, but also their expectations. It just seems to me that when things finally reach the last stage of attachment or commitment, that's when everything falls apart. It's not that my partners aren't aware of the different stages, it's more of a disconnect between logical thoughts and irrational emotions. Maybe they're young and inexperienced with love, and they came into the relationship under the assumption that they had it all figured out when they had never really experienced love before. When the emotions hit them, it became a different story. Problems aren't as clear when you're in the thick of it and you have all the emotions clouding your judgement and ability to reason.

I don't think you can really "train" a partner as you're suggesting. All you can do is make them aware of your perspective and beliefs. Love means something different to each person. You should do your best to understand the other person's idea and perception of love in order to satisfy their needs. Love is about mutual understanding and respect, not about training or educating the other person. No two relationships are the same, and neither are any two definitions of love. Age can be helpful, but it doesn't necessarily reflect a person's maturity.

[alwaysimagine]

princealbertofb:
Everyone I've met in person has said similar things to me. The impression they have after having a conversation with me is very different than before. First impressions are based only on what is observable, and someone who's seemingly quiet and doesn't say much can come across as having little or no confidence. Confidence isn't universally applicable either. Just because you're confident in your math abilities doesn't mean you have any confidence with science. I think a lot, and in doing so I am able to defend and provide reasoning's for almost all of my beliefs. This is perceived as confidence to many people. However, just because I'm able to provide a strong defense/reasoning doesn't mean it's fool-proof. Sometimes there are holes that I haven't considered that could make a whole fundamental belief crumble. I don't presume to know what's right and I keep an open mind to strengthen my own beliefs or to change them. That's part of what learning and growing as a person means.

Everyone has their insecurities. It's a part of being human. There are things we're good at and things we're not. I describe myself as shy because that's my personality. I normally don't talk unless spoken to. My default state is to listen rather than talk. I enjoy doing self-reflective things rather than externally stimulated activities. I enjoy close, intimate, and personable interactions instead of group activities. In our society, I'm deemed as shy/timid because I don't shine in group activities or open and public settings. Maybe my application of the word doesn't align with how you define it.

I believe what people find most attractive is my ability to empathize. Being able to empathize alone isn't enough, but I also have a talent for being able to articulate my feelings and thoughts so that the other person can easily understand and interpret them. I change how I communicate and talk with every person I interact with, because I understand people have different ways of saying and interpreting things. A lot of times, I'm able to help people figure out what they're feeling because I'm able to put it into words for them. It's common for people to feel misunderstood and alone, and I think my strengths help alleviate those feelings in others. Most people find that they can connect with me on a level that they've never experienced with someone else, and usually that's where the attraction starts to develop. Again, this is based on the trend I see as a whole from an inside perspective. If I ask other people this same question, I get answers across the board including things such as how easy I am to get along with, how easy I am to talk to, my kindness, my wit, my humor, my uniqueness, etc.

I'm attracted to people with a lot of compassion and drive. I tend to be attracted to those who have strengths where I lack them, someone who complements me and vice versa. I believe the best relationships are made from two people who synergize off of each other. Most people I like are very involved in the community and in leadership roles. They tend to like talking a lot, and be very "lively" characters. I'm not quite sure if that adequately answers your question.

Out of my entourage, I have a female best friend who seems to understands me the best. She's very similar to me in terms of personality quirks. We tend to say the same remarks, form similar opinions, develops similar habits, etc. She's much more extroverted than I am, so she's also a bit like my alter ego. People who don't know us well think we're like night and day but those who know both of us well think we're the same person, or two halves of the same person. Her boyfriend often asks if we rehearse what we say/do because of how freakishly similar it is.

[Blue]

omg you guys make relationships sound exhausting:tongue: I'm not even sure if I still want one now:biggrin:

It's pretty easy to understand, a good relationship is not 50/50, it's 100/100. You've both got to be all in, and be safe,secure and comfortable there or, sooner or later, it's going to fall apart.

Yes it can be exhausting at times. We all go through struggles in life and, sometimes, as much as we want to, we simply can't give that 100% to our relationship. That's when the other partner has to step it up and give 110, 150, 200% for a while and, that's when it gets exhausting.

That's a part of loving someone and, it's fine as long as one giving more is not permanent, it's what you need to do to get through a rough time.

That rough time might last weeks, months or even years, but when the trust and sharing all of you is there, it's okay, you know you can be there for your partner and help them get past whatever it is.