Frustrated and need advice

[Anonymous]

So I am in need of advice and I think I know what I need to do but just want some feedback.

So I've been dating my guy for almost a year and we are now about 600 miles away from each other and talk almost nightly but I haven't got to see him in 2 months. Its pretty apparent we are growing apart. I want him to be around and he doesn't seem to want at the level I want. We are at different stages in our lives I think and that is complicating things. I am established in my career and he is just still trying to find his way. I have aging parents that are requiring more health care visits and my time and his parents are still pretty young. He is all about still wanting to try and make light of serious situations and just shoot the breeze and I am a planner of goals, like to check things off my check list, and plan multiple goals in different intervals.

Ive been trying to talk to him and explain where I am coming from and its like I am talking to the air at times. I feel like sometimes I am trying to mentor an employee or teen from one of the volunteer programs I have worked in and its frustrating for me. If I am being honest I want a partner in my life not someone I feel like I am training. I fell for him because he is pretty, smart, very funny and our personalities work well together. However, he still acts like he is a frat boy even though he has been out of college for several years. I don't want to be angry at him for being him and I don't want him to resent me for pushing on him to advance himself. He is sweet and tells me what he thinks I want to hear but his actions are totally still all about him.

I feel like it maybe time to break it off but its difficult to do so. The crux for me is I am in love with this guy in a big way but the problems I have been explaining to him and his response are really not working for me. Its like we are on two different roads.

Words of advice?

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Anon.

When we first fall in love we have Rose colored glasses on , and we some how brush over our loves for faults.We even build them up to something they are not.

And often we fall in love with this perfect person until they fall short.
If you cant accept him for who he is and he wont meet you half way , then you know what you should do.



If you feel the stress starting, remember sometimes you need to cruel to be kind and that goes for yourself as well.

[Blue]

As much as we all like to think love is enough, it isn't. Two trains going in opposite directions and meeting in the roundhouse we call love now and then just doesn't work. Those trains need to be going the same direction on parallel tracks to get in sync. One might be a little ahead or behind the other at any given time, but both are headed for the same destination and will make most of the same stops along the way. They are just different colors is all. (Enough differences to keep it interesting and offer new perspectives but both content with the same on the big things.)

[dfiant]

I can tell by the tone of your post that you have already decided what you are going to and there is no changing that.

Even though a relationship is supposed to be 50:50, you still in the bigger scheme of things, have to do what is right for you. Trying to be something that you aren't or hoping your partner will be something that you know they will never be can only result in one thing....resentment, so if that is what it is beginning to feel like, then do what is right for you

[lizzielee]

You hit the nail on the head when you said that you want a partner in life not someone to train. We all have to make some allowances in relationships and when they seem to overtake the relationship and the "good" is outweighed by them.......then you start to ask questions----- do I want to be here and that is what you are doing.
You shouldnt feel you are going down two different roads in a relationship.........it should be one road together and it will be a bit bumpy at times but it should feel like you are together.

It seems to me that sometimes you are being ruled with your head and other times, your heart. It should be a conbination of both but yes.......that is hard to do. I have been in a similar situation myself.

I can't really say what to do as this has to be your decision but if it was me in that situation, I would be seriously thinking about a break to see how I feel.

Take care and all the best......... I hope it works out for you either way.......

[Bowyn Aerrow]

My advice - play ping-pong...

Yeah I know, that doesn't solve any your problems, but lets face it pig-pong can be fun.:tongue:

As for your problem.

Your problem is that you found those weaknesses in his character to be cute, but now you are realizing that they are not so cute after all and now you want to change him to meet some new idea of what the perfect man is in your mind.

There is only one person in the world you can change - and that is 'Self' (you, yourself - the person who you are).

There is only one person in the world he can chance - 'Self' (himself).

If he can't being either unwilling or more likely unable, the you need to figure out what is best for you and do it.

You only have a year invested here. Trust me, I'm coming of a 14 year relationship and have lots invested and its about 600 times harder to get through the mess. You have the advantage of miles and a shorter period of time.

Yes, it will hurt (all break-up hurts), but you know what it is you need in life, you figured out that he isn't really the one early on - these are good things - very, very good things.

You will be ok. Eventually.

[Nick9]

Hi Anon. First of all, I do not mean any harm. Just try to look at your relationship from different angle.

I feel like sometimes I am trying to mentor an employee or teen from one of the volunteer programs I have worked in and its frustrating for me. If I am being honest I want a partner in my life not someone I feel like I am training.

Why do you thing you are the right person to do that? What gave you the right to decide that your way is the right one and the right one for him? Would you stand him to behave like that toward you?

I fell for him because he is pretty, smart, very funny and our personalities work well together.

That's a strange way of describing someone you love deeply. I mean the order of the qualities. The first one that came to your mind was "pretty"...
I would run from you if you were talking about me and I heard you.

I feel like it maybe time to break it off but its difficult to do so. The crux for me is I am in love with this guy in a big way but the problems I have been explaining to him and his response are really not working for me. Its like we are on two different roads.

Is this love? To try to change the partner so much? You sound like playing his parent.

Your problem is that you found those weaknesses in his character to be cute, but now you are realizing that they are not so cute after all and now you want to change him to meet some new idea of what the perfect man is in your mind.

Amen to that.

[ChadCoxRox]

You are NOT "In" love friend.
Mourn on purpose and move forward. You deserve better!

[SlipknotRlZZ]

I'm sorry that things have turned out this way. And I know what it's like to be talking to air...I say, try explaining things one last time. Be completely honest and tell him everything...and then just put it out there that maybe it'd be better if you split up. You never know how htings could work out. So..suggest remaining friends and everything and see how you feel about it when your apart. I hope things get better for you.

- Ryan