Advice for Online Dating Noobs

[mdsanon]

Hello everyone, I am a 21 y/o gay male, virgin, and fairly new to dating. I am eager to explore that part of my life and am hoping to get some advice on two of the main problems I encounter. I have anxiety and because I am a virgin and new to dating, it makes me feel incredibly self-conscious (in terms of dating, not the fact of being a virgin), especially since it seems like so many gay men are very sex-forward and expect it.

My first experience, about a year ago, did not end well. I met a guy online and we essentially dated for two months without a label. They day after we got sexual the first time (not all the way), he stopped replying to my messages, which obviously hurt because he had given me the impression that we might start dating. After that, I took a break to do some soul searching and I feel a lot more confident in myself now, hence why I am here.

Questions:
What is an acceptable amount of communication when first meeting guys? It seems like I run into many who want to chat all day, every day (especially "winky face" comments), want to snapchat and video chat - all before we meet in person. Is this the norm? I prefer to bond in person so to me, it's all a bit of a turn off, which usually ends with them being offended at my lack of reciprocation. It’s not like I don’t like to text, but getting “good morning” texts a day after I meet someone online feels too forward. A follow up to this question is how do I deal with guys that are too clingy?

How do I deal with the fact that I am a virgin? I am not ashamed of being a virgin and I am more than willing to explore sex, only after I establish trust however. How do I go about telling people this and how do I find guys who will respect this? I know that not all experiences are like my first, but it sucks knowing there are guys out there who actually waste months of their time to have sex with one person.

Thanks for the feedback in advance; all is appreciated!

- mdsanon

[MikeW]

....Thanks for the feedback in advance; all is appreciated!

Well I hope you appreciate my reply. At the very least it kicks your question back up so maybe someone younger can give you more of a practical response.

There's another thread re dating kicking around started by a guy just a couple years younger than you. I replied to it here: https://gayspeak.com/showthread.php?p=636177#post636177. You might want to check it out.

"Dating" seems to mean different things to different people. What I was suggesting in the other guy's thread is to think about what "dating" means to you. If you're clear what you mean, then you can double check to see if it means the same thing to the guy you're getting to know.

But, IDK, I just think you young guys are putting a lot of pressure on yourselves talking or even thinking about "dating" right off the bat. Why not just meet people? Period. Chat with them online. Maybe meet them IRL. Have coffee. See where that goes. See whether there is any 'there' there. THEN you can decide whether you want to "date" or not.

Sort of like the other guy, I'm not clear what happened with this first experience you mentioned. You "essentially dated" for two months and then that led to some fooling around. But then after that he stopped texting you which hurt because you were under the impression you were going to START dating (after two months of "essentially" dating??). IDK, I find it confusing.

People are weird. GUYS are weird. Gay guys are weird. It's like, we're all hot and horny, ready to do whatever with someone we find attractive. THEN once the endorphins wear off (or w/e) we can't be arsed. We're off to the next adventure.

Now, frankly, I don't have a problem with that... especially in young guys. I think that's very "natural" (gay or straight). It is a level of immaturity I'd expect in someone under, oh, IDK, 25 to 30. I just don't even see why guys that young even THINK about dating. Why bother? Just have fun. And by "fun" I don't necessarily mean sleeping with everything tom, dick and hairy. That's fine, too, of course, but it can just be having a good time with friends.

RELATIONSHIPS are not easy. I mean, sure, the early phases... the honey moon phases... they can be fairly easy. But "R" relationships require there to be someone who knows who he is, what he wants and doesn't want, and knows how to express all that. What I see is most guys haven't a REAL clue who they are... and... thus... what I see is the shipwrecks of so-called "relationships" that end up in this forum... where the two guys cheated on one another.

I mean seriously... it's just one shipwreck after another right here on GS. And I'm pretty sure what we see here is just a tiny slice of a much larger and largely unhappy reality.

SO... IDK... I just think this could largely be avoided IF young gay guys would FOCUS MORE on becoming a responsible grown-up adult than on trying to "date" someone they want a "relationship" with.

IDK... maybe I'm just to old to understand. You younger guys tell me. I know that if I were under 25 living in these times "dating" would be the LAST thing on my mind. I'd be working out at the gym, boosting my testosterone, getting a sexy body, and just enjoying being able to give other guys pleasure.

Along the way I'd hopefully meet someone who I liked well enough to want to REALLY spend time with them. THEN I'd think about dating. Then I'd begin to think about... yeah... that right there is someone I care enough about that I want to be there with and for him... maybe for the rest of my life.

I just don't believe most young guys are ready for that level of commitment. It think it scares the piss out of them, TBH. (Which may be one reason they stop replying to messages.)

Does that make sense?

As for virgins? Well... I love me some virgins!!

(Don't mind me, I'm just a dirty old man.)

[Cuddly]

To answer both of your questions; there's no right or wrong here. You make your own rules in this, both for yousrlf and as a couple.

Just be upfront and honest about it. If you feel good morning texts are awkward, tell him. You don't even need to be rude about it. A "Yo, dude, you're awesome and I wanna get to know you, but good morning texts and 71 other texts during the day is too much for me. Can you slow down?" should do the trick.

Honestly, doing some online dating and then ending in bed on the first meet-up worked well for me. Sex and virginity is no big deal. Just take it slow and communicate. Sexual chemistry is a key element in a relationship and I can understand why some want to cross that off early in the dating process, but some are more patient than others, I'm sure.

[mdsanon]

[MENTION=20947]MikeW[/MENTION] - to clarify "essentially dating", what I meant is we were going on many dates, hanging out a lot, spending the night at each other's houses, meeting each other's friends, etc... It felt like the natural progression leading up to dating.
Your advice is much appreciated though! I think I feel this pressure to start dating because many of my hetero friends are dating or even getting engaged; but I understand your advice on patience and working on myself first. I'll be graduating from college in 2.5 months and moving to a new city so that will be a big step.
[MENTION=20359]Cuddly[/MENTION] - Thanks for the advice on being upfront. Sometimes I have a tendency to shy away since I'm more of an introvert, but it's good to have reassurance that I can establish my own rules/values. As for sex, I fully agree it's key to a relationship. After experiencing sex, I'd probably be more fast paced in future relationships with it, but I don't feel comfortable for my first time being with someone I don't know that well. But like you said communication is key and I'll just need to learn to be more upfront with my boundaries.