First of all, welcome to Gayspeak Deepsouth! Second, and more importantly, congratulations on taking one of the biggest and hardest steps in becoming the person you truly are!! Yes it's scary as hell! Especially if you don't have a support group to encourage you and help you sort through all the emotional and mental crap that goes along with this decision. I know!
In a lot of ways, I was a lot like you. I grew up in a strict Southern Baptist home where being gay was the most heinous thing you could be. I was 14 when I first had a clue that I might be gay. Of course, there was no one in my area that even slightly acted as if they were gay so I had no one I could go to. So I repressed all my feelings and attractions to the guys in my school. I even dated a few girls during high school. All trying to convince myself that I wasn't gay.
I can remember begging and pleading and making deals with God! If he would just make me not gay I would do anything. I even became a Southern Baptist minister for a period of 10 years. During that time I started college, got all my basic studies out of the way, changed my major 3 times, then graduated from the community college, got a job working at Wal-mart, worked as a music and youth minister, and ended up meeting a woman I thought I loved and married her within six months of meeting her.
We have 2 kids, one from her previous marriage and one of our own. At last I thought I was happy and I thought the gay would go away. Turns out, it didn't. I was addicted to gay porn (still am really) and had thoughts of other men whenever my wife and I had sex (sorry if that's TMI). And while I never really acted on my attraction to other men (other than in the ways mentioned before) deep down inside I knew I was gay. Just trying to hide it or make it go away.
So life went on like that for me. She "found" some pictures I had downloaded off the Internet once and asked me if I was gay I got angry and yelled, "No I'm not gay! Some hacker downloaded that shit trying to crash the computer!" And the funny thing is, she believed it. There were four more times she asked me that throughout the marriage. Mostly when I didn't want to have sex with her because I felt so guilty afterwards. And I'd get angry each time and deny it and try to blame the no sex thing on something else.
So to make a long story short, we were married for 13 years. She thinking that everything was ok and me pretending to be the happily married husband. All our friends and family thought we were the perfect couple and that we would be together forever! Boy did I have everyone fooled, including myself.
That is until this summer when I couldn't take it anymore. So, after talking to some people on here, I finally worked up the courage to tell her I'm gay. Then all hell broke loose! She forced me to tell the kids and my parents all in the same day, drugs through marriage counseling that was more like an attempt at reprogramming me, told me I would have to be the one to file for divorce then went and filed herself before I could even find a lawyer, bitched and griped me out every time I came home, and finally left me two weeks ago Friday.
I say all this to tell you you aren't alone in this. We all have our fears and struggles with telling someone, especially our friends and family we're gay. But you will be surprised how many people will be supportive and understanding of you situation. It's like they say, when times get tough you find out who your friends are. I have found so many new friends, especially on here, who I consider my "family" now. And it is very liberating to not have to lie to myself and the world about my sexuality.
As far as your parents go, who says you ever have to tell them. I have a dear friend that I have known for years who has never actually said "I'm gay" to his parents. Though he suspects they know. The point is, you decide when and if to tell your parents. If you don't ever tell them, that's completely fine. And if you do decide to tell them, do it on your own terms, when you have a safe place to go if things go bad, and in away that is both gentle and understanding of both them and yourself! Take care my friend, and remember we are always here for you if you need a sounding board.
and don't forget to be the most fabulous person you can be!! Everyone deserves to be happy in the skin they're in!! Best of luck in everything mate!
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