My boyfriend not sexually attracted to me??!

[lawdddvoldemort]

So, my bf & I recently started dating but we've been "involved" for YEARS now. I love him so much & its kinda sad/pathetic but I may even love him more than myself lol. But that's not the point or issue..

We've only had sex once since we've been dating. I know sex isn't the main part of a relationship but it is a crucial part of it. We don't even have oral sex either! I'm lucky enough to even get a kiss or a hug (when I initiate it of course).

Yes I've talked to him about it, but things haven't improved at all. I know he loves me but I feel like he isn't sexually attracted to me at all which is really depressing. My sex drive is extremely high & his is like nonexistent.

It seems like I'm always begging him to mess around & it makes me feel kinda gross & thirsty. Masturbation is not cutting it at all. I shouldn't have to do that to get off when I have a boyfriend. This is horrible, any advice?

[pellaz]

first off welcome to GaySpeak

is your bf depressed?
androgyny could be the fear or unwilling to accepting the gay, straight or bi he is?
how was his family up bringing.

does the situation look even a little fluid. Can he change.

[RockerBlocks]

He may not be as confident about his body. Maybe he feels he may not live up to your standards when it comes to having intercourse.

Compliments will really help this situation if that is the case.

[archubbycub]

First of all I'm not going to say I know what you're going through right now because I don't. But I know it hurts like hell! I've recently started going through a break up and my emotions have run the gambit over the past week. But can I say it does get better?

I have to ask you though, has he talked to you about how he's feeling about all of this? A lot if times people like us tend to do all the talking and we don't allow others to say how they feel. A conversation about anything is a two way street and if you don't have that there is a break down in communication and nothing gets resolved.

Maybe he's scared of admitting his sexuality and his feelings for you? Maybe he's afraid that if you two go any further than kissing and hugging it means you're committed to each other (boy do I know someone like that!)?

Relationships are a scary thing, but the only way to make it work is by being there for each other and listening to one another, even if you don't want to hear what the other has to say!

Just know that there is a great group of people here who are willing to listen to you and occasionally give you their advice. If you need an emotional shoulder to cry on, mine are pretty big! Best if luck mate!

[Blue]

There are about a million reasons that might be why he is reluctant to be physically intimate with you. Those reasons range form simply being shy to having been abused in the past. I suggest you ask him, gently, what the reasons are, then ask how you can help him overcome those reasons.

[East]

I think this is an elephant in all of our rooms....

Putting it bluntly....AIDS changed everything. I lived before AIDS happened and I can tell you it was much different before than after...and 30 years later...if you have grown up with AIDS having always been a part of your world...it has had a serious impact on your sexuality and expression. Sex = Death has been a part of your world, I am sorry that all of the younger guys had to live in the post AIDS world but make no mistake about it...it has had an impact on you whether you know it or not.

Fear can have a devastating effect on every aspect of your life...and the aversion to sex...or staying a virgin....can be the result of years of fears.

What I think has happened..and I think this alot.....

Think about the body...and stress....stress produces a substance that travels through your body and your body naturally absorbs a normal amount of stress...but when you have too much the body can not absorb it all so it attacks the weakest link in the physiological chain..which is why stress is a factor in so many illnesses....

It is the same with fear..and the brain. What happens when there is too much fear is that we shove it into our subconscious in order to cope...and it becomes lost...and eventually it manifests itself in our thoughts and actions and we don't even know why because our subconscious keeps our fears hidden.

Though there can be a host of other factors...AIDS is a major player in all of our fears and apprehension about sex...for some more than others. There is not way to escape it. We all deal with fear differently. It is why I dont' clap and applaud virgins...I feel sad instead.

So...please dont' assume he is not attracted to you though I am sure that is what it feels like for you...there are so many other possibilities. Whether the fear of AIDS is a major factor or a minor factor...I have no idea...but I know it IS a factor to some degree for every single one of us.

Good Luck!

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Yes I've talked to him about it, (cutted out the unwanted bits)

You talked to him. What did he say is the problem?

Is your BF sexually attracted to you? How in the world is anyone else besides him supposed to know what is going through his brain????

Ask him - 'Do you find me sexually attractive?' - then discuss the answer(s).

[lawdddvoldemort]

first off welcome to GaySpeak

is your bf depressed?
androgyny could be the fear or unwilling to accepting the gay, straight or bi he is?
how was his family up bringing.

does the situation look even a little fluid. Can he change.

Actually he has admitted before that he's depressed but I get depressed too, probably more than him.
He is comfortable with his sexuality, he actually came out before I did.
His family accepts & loves him unconditionally, mine on the other hand not so much =/

[lawdddvoldemort]

He may not be as confident about his body. Maybe he feels he may not live up to your standards when it comes to having intercourse.

Compliments will really help this situation if that is the case.

I know he's not comfortable with his body but neither am I. We both know we're not twinks but I tell him EVERYDAY that I love him regardless & I don't love him for looks. I know I'm more sexually experienced than him but he definitely knows what to do.

[lawdddvoldemort]

did I mention we only mess around when we're drunk? Awful! I know.