Ok so I'm not saying I'm anywhere near ready to start dating again. Nor am I saying that there's even anyone I'm remotely interested in letting behind my defenses like that again. What I'm wondering is how will I know when I am ready to start considering dating again? I still don't feel 100% so I know I can't give 100% to a relationship. But the good days are starting to outweigh the bad ones. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated.
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Why not turn that into "how will I know if I should date him?" that's a lot easier to answer. You will know when you make a friend and, after you get to know each other, it just clicks, you know it's safe and, you know you can give as much as you take with that person, and vi-a-versa.
Don't go out there looking for a date or a relationship, go looking to make friends, to get to know people, and you'll find someone, when you are ready to find them.
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Hi There,
From p[ersonal experience at coming out of a long term relationship of 6 and a half years I would recommend spending a year just learning about your indivuduality again as i have done on this occassion and to be honest it then gives you enough time to realise that as much as you want a relationship spending a year out isnt a bad thing as you wont be on a rebound which many of us will be when someone we love has gone....
Kindest regards
Aunty Zeon x
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You will know ,when you have recovered from self doubt.
Every failed relationship leaves us with more luggage and insecurities.
Take the time to reconnect with yourself , gain confidence and remove doubt.
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Thanks guys! This being single thing is really hard, especially at night when things get quiet around the house and it's just me and my little puppy. I know I'm not ready to date yet, but it sure would be nice to have someone to talk to that will respond back in words, not just set there and look at me like, "You idiot I don't understand a word you're saying. Now get me some food!"
I'm definitely going to take some time for myself and figure out who I am and what it means for me to be a gay man. I don't know how long that will take, but I hope it doesn't take a whole year for that to happen. I'm not sure I even want to go through the holidays by myself. I know there was no way to save my marriage, even if I was straight. I was lonely and trying to be something I wasn't, and I don't mean just pretending to be straight either. I thought I was a happily married man, but all I was was a whooped puppy trying to buy the love and affection of not only my now ex wife, but my children as well.
But all that aside, I'm still lonely. Sure I have my friends and I have you guys to talk to. But what I eventually need is someone to not only share my life and my hopes and dreams with, but to have them share their life and their hopes and dreams with me as well. I thought I had found that in my ex boyfriend, but it turns out he was and still is just a kid chasing a dream that may or may not come true.
Don't get me wrong, I wish him all the best. And I'm glad he came into my life. He gave me the courage I needed when I was at my lowest point ever. I had started cutting myself before he came into the picture. That's something I had never even considered doing, even when I was 13 years old and had a conversation with a set of gun cabinet keys about killing myself. I even carved the word "fag" into my ankle and was back at the point where I was ready to end it all.
But then he stepped in and showed me that it was ok to be who I am and to stand up for myself and not let anyone, even me, tell me that who I am and who I am attracted to is not a bad thing. For that, I am forever in debt to him. But now I realize that I was just a project for him to fix up and set back on the path to wholeness so he could feel good about himself. And it's time for me to set him free and become the person I was born to be. The person who loves me and is willing to step off over the cliff and learn to fly!
Yeah I know! I'm sounding like something off a Hallmark greeting card. But you know I'm tired if living my life in the shadow of others. So even if I sound a bit cheesy, and even if I don't always soar like the eagles, I'm taking my chances and doing it. Come what may, this bird is going to fly! And in the end, I hope and pray that I can someday help someone else find their courage and strength, not just fix them up and leave them, but to be there for them no matter what!
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I think you have a good attitude. Just remember what it is to watch a young eagle learn to fly. The eagle falters and crash lands a few times, then it catches on and soars. Be the eagle, don't fear the crash landings, and don't let them keep you from flying.
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Have you figured out what you did to help the last relationship fail?
Are you still holding a grudge with the last partner?
Can you go the whole day and not be reminded of the last partner and feel 'upset' or 'bad'?
These are usually clues that you have worked through whatever was wrong in the last relationship and have reached the doorway to move beyond the other, or you have.
I have found that about a year (12 months) is about the time I am 'over' a person and able to actually commit to a new person without talking about the a$$hole I just left.... :biggrin:
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Thanks guys! It hasn't been easy, but I have gotten to the point where I can think about him and all the things we share and not break down and cry. And as far as being bitter or angry towards him, I've never felt that way. That's just not the type of person I am.
I know I don't NEED someone in my life like that, but it would be nice to have someone to come home to each day and talk about what all went on in each others lives. I never could do that with my ex wife because the moment I'd start complaining about something she would turn it around and make me feel bad for getting upset over something that happened.
I know it's not going to be in the next two or three weeks, but I was thinking sometime around the first of the year. That is, if we all survive 12-21-12!!! LOL
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I think you're on the right track, Arch.
Some of us can move on faster than others. I know I'm slow about it, but I have a hard time letting go of anger and, and even harder time letting lies go - I want to set them straight, and nearly won't give up until I do. With a no longer present ex, that isn't possible, or practical to contact him for that purpose.
You sound like you are one that can move on faster.
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How will I know?
