Whenever I would go to Church as a child, I would always get a sick feeling in my stomach. I just felt weird there and couldn't wait to get out. It wasn't a bored feeling, it was more of a "you're evil, you don't belong" feeling and it had nothing to do with my sexuality. I still get sick in them. Anyone else experience this?
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Yeah, but only certain churches, and for very specific reason that have nothing to do with sexuality and everything to do with lousy parents.
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Have you got any numbers tattood into your scalp?
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I would guess that you went to a fire & brimstone church, I understand they're especially popular in the rural Southern regions (certainly were popular enough in East Texas and even a few churches in Houston bragged about being that way), and the goal (some of them will tell you this outright) is to make you want to grab the pews because you're that scared of suddenly being sucked into Hell for being such a vile sinner.
And many LOVE it. I suppose you have to be wired a certain way to get off on it (I believe some of them even get off on it sexually) but if you're not wired right and were dragged there (especially when you don't believe) then I imagine you would feel like extreme discomfort, even sick.
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When I was a small child we used to go to church all the time. After a certain age I insisted on going to the regular service with my parents instead of the kid's thing because ALL the good little Christian kids picked on me but sitting for an hour listening to a guy talk is pretty boring so I stopped going and then everyone did.
And then my dad decided to start going back and I went with him a few times. It was kinda cool because at the end everyone would join hands and make a big circle around the pews and some prayer requests that people dropped in at the beginning would be pulled out and we would all say a prayer for whatever it was. Right after Dale Earnhardt died my dad put in a prayer request for all the NASCAR drivers to have a safe race. All those lovely Christian adults snickered at it and my dad stopped going.
So why do I not go to church? Well for one, I don't follow a church-going religion although if say my significant other happened to be Christian and wanted me to go with him now and then or for holidays I would certainly go, and for two, I have had nothing but terrible experiences with awful people. I do not hate Christianity because I think to do so is immature and well just wrong. I do not think churches are bad I know better than to believe that the Christians I've met and the church I've been to are an accurate representation of all Christians and churches., but my experiences have conditioned me to not feel at all comfortable in them.
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My friends when I was 13 or so used to take me to go to this church youth group, from one of those big megachurches.
I alwas felt uncomfortable there, as if I were being sucked into their conglomerate 'church' whose real aim was not spiritual enlightenment, but to simply gain members for its own sake.
Conversely, every christmas eve, my family goes to our friend's church, a small presbytarian church down by the sea, and I always felt warmed there, and it was one of the only times when I felt religion fitted for me
For me, you can't experience religion through non-religious/spiritual means, and big megachurches seems to always be interested in monetary/sensationalist/bodily matter, the complete opposite of what spirituality is hence SPIRITuality.
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Every church I have been to the people have been basically nice. But then I went to the right churches and steered clear of those that were known for hating any groups of people.
In my late teens I went to Episcopal Church and was enchanted by the church, feel deeply and madly in love then spent my college and university years working hard to become a minister. Through that I was introduced to the St Francis Friars and fell in love all over again and was on my way to becoming a Friar.
Of course back then I had no interest in women (sexually) and figured it was a natural celibacy. The idea of of my being gay was a totally alien concept.
In my last years when I was doing mandatory ministry work to get my 4 years in for my Doctorate, I met a man who I learned the real reason why women didn't turn my head.
Through seminary I got more than a few cold slaps to my understanding of what the Church meant - really meant, and I kind of lost my love for the church. During the 6 months where I was struggling with my new found interest in men and my obligations and plans to fulfill a 'godly' life, Brother Jim (my sorta mentor/sponsor via the Friary in San Francisco), confessed a lot of things that the Brothers had done and did do... Those vows of Obedience, Poverty and Celibacy are but suggestions I guess.
An organized religion is ran by human beings. Human beings are disappointing critters. While fully delusional in their ideals of perfection, few actually achieve anything close to that perfection they claim to seek. Many only play lip service to the ideals and never work toward attaining those.
I suspect your issue is that you fell in with a bad crowd of human beings who used and abused God, Christ and the Bible.
I fear there are many parishes that are like that, and the over all authority of the denomination is usually s far away from the church that anything and everything takes place.
Around age 25 I lost my faith in religion... Around 25 is when I started getting faith in God....
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