Boyfriend doesn't (want) work. I'm paying for everything. Sick of it.

[Anonymous]

I don't want to show my name for this because...I don't know why.

My boyfriend (24 years old) doesn’t work and I (25 years old) have a feeling he doesn’t even want to. He's a really nice guy but this laziness of his is slowly starting to drive me crazy. I don't know any other word for this - it's laziness. Maybe to some extent it’s my fault. I was ok with him not working while he was studying, because I know that it’s hard to work and study at the same time and I wanted him to get an education so I was like – it’s ok, don’t worry about job now, just focus on your studies.

And maybe that was a mistake because now he obviously thinks it’s going to be like that forever. He graduated almost a year ago and he’s been doing nothing ever since. He’s just sitting at home while I’m the only one working. I pay for food, for rent , for electricity, I pay for all of that alone. Not the tiniest help from him.

We’ve talked about this millions of times, if not milliards. I’m working 12 hour shifts almost every day. If he had a job too, I wouldn’t have to work so long. I could work normal, 8 hour shifts with more free days but now I cannot do it, because if I do, we won’t have enough money. To mention that he should work too means to start a fight that goes on for hours. It feels like he's not even looking for a job. Whenever I come home, he plays some games in computer or watches TV or does something else to entertain himself.

Here are some of his arguments.

There’s no job.

Why do I find it so hard to believe? I don’t have a college degree but when I needed a job, it took me about a month or two to find it. So I’m pretty sure that highly educated people are necessary even more. He majored in computer sciences and if I’m not mistaken, that this is a demand field these days. Even if there’s really nothing connected with his education, we still live in a big city and employees are certainly needed in various places. So don’t lie to me. There is a job out there. You just don’t want to look for it.

It’s your apartment.

Yes, it’s my apartment but we live together so those are not just my expenses, those are our expenses. He lives here too, he eats too, he uses electricity too but when it comes to paying for all that, I must do it alone. Great, don’t you think? That’s very fair, isn’t it?

Don’t rush me.

I wasn’t rushing him for the first half a year. Now I’m quite fed up and I think you can understand why. I just don’t understand him. I’ve been working since I was 15 and I can’t imagine depending on someone financially. How can you be 24 years old and sit at home like a retired grandpa? How can you not want your own money? I honestly don’t get it. Is that what people do now? Are they waiting till they’re middle-aged to start working?

And he takes every my word about working so angrily as if I would mean something evil, as if I would want to harm him. I’ve offered him to sit down with me and we can go through job advertisements together and maybe find something for him. He offends immediately and is like „You want to fight with me again?” No, I don’t want to fight, I want to help you. I’m worried about what his life will turn out like. What will he do if we break up? ( and that might happen if he keeps acting like a 3 year old ) Will he go back to his parents? Obviously, because he doesn’t have any money of his own to pay for his own living place.

Tell me something, advise me something, because I don’t know what to do. All I know is that I’m tired. Tired of arguing, tired of sustaining a young and healthy male who is just lazy.

[RomanticMan]

I appreciate your love for him and self-sacrifice for him.

I'm sorry about what happens . I wish you never brought up the education issue. I dont know what to say about that but I honestly appreciate your self-sacrifice for him from all my heart.

[MHJG]

What? A healthy guy don't even want to work? Honestly, please leave him immediately. He is not someone worth spending a minute with. Kick him out of your apartment.

[RomanticMan]

And I newly have an idea. How about you try to persuade him with some innocent dreams

For example, you can tell him that you can go to world tour or visit anouther country if he works too.

[IanSaysHi]

Okay well first of all, I know the way he's reacting is unacceptable but from the way he's reacting he clearly knows he is relying on you and like a lot of people doesn't like being reminded of the fact. He will lash out and be an arsehole if he feels he's being 'nagged' - which you are within your rights to do.

However when you are unemployed you can build all kinds of barriers for yourself - "there's no jobs", "it's been too long, who's going to want to hire me", "I can't do that role" etc etc etc. It can feel like/be a very degrading experience, and escaping to video games and whatever else he's doing can help him escape from the cold hard truth. It's never too late to look for a job, albeit it becomes harder to explain gaps in the CV the longer it goes on.

You're probably going to have to treat his situation as you would a child. So he can't find a job - but has he put his CV on every job site available and registered with as many recruitment agencies as possible? Offer him a positive tone, suggesting "have you registered your CV with <insert jobsite/agency here> - I hear it's really good". So many recruiters search for candidates now rather than the other way around. Anything he does that shows he's made some kind of effort, whether joining LinkedIn, applying for ANYTHING, tell him well done. Maybe celebrate with small gestures like a takeaway or wine or whatever when he says he's done SOMETHING. If you nag, he'll just act like a cornered animal again.

Also suggest he tries temping - at least it would fill a gap in his CV. He doesn't have to look for his dream job, I'd say he needs to look for A JOB and pronto to avoid future interviewers assuming he's just been doing what unfortunately he's just been doing all this time.

If he really doesn't put in any effort then you will HAVE to them start using tough love. Tell him the stress of working for both of you is too much and unless he is willing to at least try looking for something else, then you will have to reassesss the relationship. But try what I said above first.

All the best!

[LJay]

You must tell him that if he does not begin to contribute his share of expenses then he must move into his own apartment. Then you should get a roomer who has a definite arrangement to pay rent. No fooling around with this. Do not be taken advantage of. Give him a deadline, say one month, to begin paying or he is on his own. Period.

[Anonymous]

I believe I have tried every reasoning with him. I've been positive, I've been negative, I've been strict, I've been angry, I've been gentle, I've even cried, I've begged. Every time I mention something about jobs, CVs, employers, etc. he starts this drama with offending, not talking to me, turning away and sometimes yelling at me. Like a baby. It honestly feels as if I'm dealing with a child in adult's body. I don't know if he has done something or applied somewhere, I can't check it and he doesn't want to talk about it. But I've never seen him checking job advertisements or writing his own.

[RomanticMan]

I believe I have tried every reasoning with him. I've been positive, I've been negative, I've been strict, I've been angry, I've been gentle, I've even cried, I've begged. Every time I mention something about jobs, CVs, employers, etc. he starts this drama with offending, not talking to me, turning away and sometimes yelling at me. Like a baby. It honestly feels as if I'm dealing with a child in adult's body. I don't know if he has done something or applied somewhere, I can't check it and he doesn't want to talk about it. But I've never seen him checking job advertisements or writing his own.

How could he even let you work for 12 hours while playing computer games? I think you've done what you can do about it. You should mybe tell me how you feel after 12 hours of work. I think he doesnt care but you shouldnt make things basing on ''thoughts'' but make sure if he abuse you.

After being sure that he abuses you, you should kick him off.

[IanSaysHi]

I believe I have tried every reasoning with him. I've been positive, I've been negative, I've been strict, I've been angry, I've been gentle, I've even cried, I've begged. Every time I mention something about jobs, CVs, employers, etc. he starts this drama with offending, not talking to me, turning away and sometimes yelling at me. Like a baby. It honestly feels as if I'm dealing with a child in adult's body. I don't know if he has done something or applied somewhere, I can't check it and he doesn't want to talk about it. But I've never seen him checking job advertisements or writing his own.

Then unless you see him making an effort, you are going to have to make him wake up and smell the bacon. Unfortunately it sounds like you've already tried my suggestions, so you'll have to tell him you have given him plenty of chances, he's being selfish and you want him out.

[sillyboy86]

Before thinking about bad reasons, have you considered a lack of self confidence about his skills, due to immaturity? Cause he's still young (also you), and being a student is a normal thing to him, while gaining a job would be a step in the frightening world of adults.

I’ve been working since I was 15 and I can’t imagine depend.

And this, confirms my opinion, it's something that I see very often, when I compare people of the same generation. You're almost independent since you were very young, so you gained an adult attitude during the years, while he was a boy till 1 year ago, in a world where his only duty was to study, not working or paying taxes, or maybe not even cleaning his room and cook for himself, and now he's supposed face a new world, full of competitions, lies , responsibilities etc.

It's just my opinion, but maybe you should take a bit of patience (even if I know you were very patient till now) and try to confront him even about a possible insecurity about becoming a man. And during the weekend maybe he needs your support to write a proper covering letter and resume, to search the right places etc.

You're not in an easy position but you're the only adult in this situation imho, so you must try to deal with it, and good luck to both of you.