Background: I'm a separated father of an 8 year old son. My ex and I share custody of our son. I'm not out yet but my ex now knows I'm gay.
I met my BF about 2 months ago. Things had been going well; but we have been fighting over a couple of things (sorry for the long post):
1) He's upset that I texted my ex "everyday". Now, the reasons I had to be texting her more frequently is that we had to made multiple changes to our custody schedule lately and that our son has been acting up at school recently. In fact, since our separation, practically the only time the ex and I text / talk is related to our son.
I have tried to explain this to my BF; but he sees this as my ex's way to control my life still and he thinks it's inappropriate that we talk to each other so often. He thinks we are too close to be a normal divorced / separated couple. He feels that as long as my ex is so much in my life, there's no way he can be a family unit with me and my son.
2) While he wants us to be a happy little family, he finds it frustrating that we don't go out and meet other gay couples. Unfortunately, my son is with me on the weekends so it makes going out more difficult. This is especially tricky when I don't want to make my son feel like I don't want to spend time with him when he's still adjusting to the separation. My BF feels unhappy that he's not being given enough of a priority in my life.
So with his birthday coming up next weekend, I managed to ask my ex to look after our son for part of the weekend so that we could have a little weekend getaway. But it turns out we can't do it because BF's parents won't be able to look after his dog that weekend. Now my ex was pissed at me for having to change the schedule yet again; and she's not keen to help out on another weekend any time soon.
My question is, am I so wrapped up with the whole divorce thing that I'm totally missing something here. My BF keeps saying he can't believe I don't understand how he feels and why he feels the way he does. What do you think?
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I think one's children take priority over everyone else, especially someone you've only known for a couple of months.
Also, you tried, you changed the schedule, and it was him who failed to pull through, so it's not like you're totally ignoring him. If he throws a tantrum because of his own screw up then I think you're better off without him. Plenty of partners can be mind boggling selfish but mind screw the other person into thinking otherwise. I also think he wants to separate you from your son (btw, kudos for not dropping your son like a hot potato and shacking up for some young hot thing, you're a better dad than my own dad was).
And though I know you didn't ask, I think it's important to realize that going by what you said here that more than one person is taking advantage of you. Your ex sounds as selfish as your BF. Again, going by what you've shared, I might think differently if I knew more.
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Honestly, and you probably won't like this but, you sound like a doormat. You let anyone who means anything to you walk all over you. Why should your ex not have your son every other weekend? Give you equal free time to build a life of your own?
Can you not meet other gay couples on weeknights? Invite them over for dinner with your son there? Your BF should have sent the dog to a kennel for that weekend or, at the least you two could have gone out for a few hours and left the dog at home.
Stop letting everyone walk on you and, start making time for what and who really is important to you. If it's you son, then tell the BF that he has to take second priority or, not be there. If it's the BF, then the ex needs to give you some weekend to yourself.
No one man can be everywhere and everything to everyone in his life - door mats try really hard and burn themselves to nothing in the process - it isn't pretty. Sort your priorities, communicate your needs with everyone involved and, get things working in ways that are not going to burn you out.
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Children take priority, and as you are 50% of the parental figure in his life, your ex the other 50%, and both of you trying to work together to do what is best for your son is the normal and the proper thing to do.
To make you feel guilty that you are taking an interest in your son and keeping the lines of communication open with your ex is 100% wrong.
It is not your ex or your son that is wrongfully controlling you, it is your BF that is controlling you and making you feel guilty.
You probably started a relationship too soon in my opinion and the choice comes down to whats best for your son or whats best for your partner.
Personally I would be telling your BF how he makes you feel, if he doesn't compromise and see that you are only doing what is best for your son and give you the space to be a father, dump his arse and don't look back.
Your BF is being completely unreasonable in expect you, your son and him to be a happy little family when all he is ever going to be for your son is a friend.
Your BF is is doing as much damage to your son as he is to you and your relationship with your ex...tell him to pull his fucking head in 'I am a father and I have a beautiful son who I love very much and you are making it difficult for me to be that.'
Your son is your number one priority, the mother of your son is your second priority, your BF is your third only when the other 2 are working well.
Goodness, I wonder how confused your little boy is in this triangle.
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In my opinion it's your BF that is demanding unreasonable things.
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your boyfriend is being very selfish . your ex will (and should be , due to their being a child involved) always be a part of your life and occasionally you're going to have to contact her .
your son should be taking priority over everything else . if your boyfriend gets annoyed because he can't go out with you and the weekend , then tell him to grow up and get over it . you have a son you're being responsible for , if your boyfriend doesn't realize that he (your son) is the most important thing in your life then he (the boyfriend) really doesn't deserve to be involved .
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Yes you are all wrapped up with the divorce thing, and I suspect that your BF is calling the phone calls and reasons to be in contact with the wife so much exactly as it really is.
This sort of controlling behavior by using the divorce, custody etc is how an ex-spouse can 'get back' and still feel that there is still a chance.
You need to get a lawyer, and have the ex talk to him/her and deal with him/her. Any contact the ex has with you if through your lawyer. This will free you up a lot and if you have anything to say to the ex then you have your lawyer do the talking.
As for not taking the son out to meet other fathers and their kids - that is kind of an odd excuse.
Not wanting to share your son with the rest of the world? Or are you ashamed of being gay and ashamed of gay families?
I'm not saying go out every weekend to meet other gay parents and their kids, do spend some alone time with your son, but don't coddle him or hold him back from being a part of the rest of your life either.
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first off your gay so
-your X should know you are a dead end for her and she needs to move on.
-let your BF read your cell phones, explain to him your son is a major part of your life but again you are not re starting your old life any time soon. I am careful to make sure my bf is in the room when I talk to my X on the phone and i explain every text i send to her to him. Hang out with other gay men is not something me and my partner do alot but we enjoy being together
Explain to the X, the BF and the child (as much as the boy can understand) this is a big life change for everyone and glitches will happen along the way.
somehow i think the child (acts up in school) and you are not out but have a bf are issues that play into this but not enough information here.
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Marshlander here - PA wanted me to write something in this thread.
My first response is that the boyfriend is being unreasonable. You only get one shot at bringing up your son and as the prevailing feeling so far seems to be, he is your priority. If your boyfriend can't accept that, he may need to be shown the door. PA has always known that my children and grandchildren are important to me and he has never tried to play one of us off against the other. At times there are conflicts of interest, but PA helps me sort these out by letting me talk things through with him.
You and your ex were obviously together for a number of years. Changes in relationship status often take a long time to work through. I don't see it as your boyfriend's responsibility to dictate how often you can be in touch with your ex. That decision can be yours alone. You'll know when the time is right to pull away further. I can see that it may feel like a balancing act, but if your boyfriend has feelings for you and for what you are going through he will be supportive. At the moment he is not. You understand that you are risking your budding relationship with the new man, but one thing is certain, your son did not ask to be placed in this situation.
Dfiant, B.A. and pellaz all make some interesting points though (hello again, gentlemen  ). The situation sounds new to you all and it takes time to establish a new normal. Your son needs to feel security to enable him to pick up his life at school without needing to act up. Sure your son needs to learn something about your new life, but what's happening at the moment sounds too unstable to be looking at any permanent solutions.
Best wishes,
marshlander
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Thanks for all your thoughts and honest words, exactly what I needed.
The only thing I'm sure these days is that my son is my #1 priority above all else. The plan is to be there for him and supportive thru all the changes. Being in a relationship or having to face my sexuality was not in the plan at all. I knew it was too soon to be in a relationship and could be extra confusing for my son. That's especially true when BF is comfortably out and wishes I am out "soon" too, so he doesn't need to be excluded from activities with my family (I totally agree) . I just find it sometimes overwhelming to make sure I'm there for everyone involved (yes, I admit it, I'm a doormat sometimes).
I asked BF to give me a few days to sort things out with a clear head. He wanted to know when I would come to a decision. I apologized for leaving him hanging but explained to him that I really needed some time. He then said "I can really see things were not as I though they were" and the fact that I knew how I'm putting him thru hell this weekend "really just makes things worse" because I know what this is doing to him.
I'm starting to see the selfish side that some of you mentioned. He's been a great guy so far and my son actually quite likes him. That's what makes it difficult.
As to B.A.'s question why we didn't consider including my son in meeting with other gay couples.... BF was wanting more of dinner party and games night type of thing - not something that's kid friendly exactly. In fact, it would be nice it we could meet other gay couples with kids. But the bottom line is that I want to ease my son into all this. As well, I need to be more comfortable with my new self first, I guess.
I'm trying hard to resist pressure to give him an answer either way, until I figure this out. And you guys have been a great help so far.
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Separated dad having disagreement with his BF
