I don't know

[Rae]

First, I'm not sure where to put something like this so...yeah :T *shrugs*

I'm not really sure how to put how I'm feeling into words, so bare with me.

Ever since I can remember, so well into my toddler years, I've never felt like my body was mine. I would look into a mirror and it would take a moment for me to remember the person staring back is me. I still look at pictures of myself and wonder who is that person looking back.
I've tried explaining this to others but everyone I've tried to talk to just dismisses it as me being an average teenager that hates her body.
Well I don't think a three year old normally has the feeling I've dealt with.
This is not my body.
I'm not saying I think I was meant to be a man, no. I like being a female! It's just...I feel like a man with female genitals. I want more than anything to feel more feminine, so I go to great lengths: wearing make-up despite the fact it makes me break out half the time, I have a corset to create the ideal curves I've always wanted, I wear heels despite being 6 feet tall and having no sense of coordination.
And honestly, I'd probably be wearing more dresses if it weren't for the fact sweat pants and t-shirts are a lot less expensive and I have no money.

I just don't know what to do. I don't want to go to the ultimate length of plastic surgery just to make myself feel like I'm in the right body, but there's seldom a day that passes where I imagine what I should look like.
I supposedly already have the ideal woman's body, but I don't think so. Yes, I have an hourglass figure, but that's all that I can really say about this body that is mine...nothing else feels right.

I feel that this is one of the factors, besides my bad reaction to hormone pills, that has caused me to gain a lot of weight and fail to lose it. It doesn't help that the more weight I gain, the less I can see the figure I love so much, and less I feel this is my body.

Like I said, I'm having trouble articulating what I'm feeling, so if anyone wants some sort of clarification, I'd be happy to try and explain.
I just want to know if there's anyone out there that, though they feel they are the right gender, they're in the completely wrong body...

[Blue]

Have you talked to a therapist? There are some things that can cause those type of feelings that therapists can help you with.

I'm not sure if it's just a need to get in shape thing, or if what physical shape you are in makes little difference So, maybe a therapist could help you, if you can't sort it.

[Rae]

I have a therapist, but I find it difficult to talk about it in person...I'm not sure why...

[Counselor]

Do you read Jane Robert's books?

[pellaz]

I have a therapist, but I find it difficult to talk about it in person

you might search for another therapist.
cant say it will do any good but look at that your local lgbt center recommends but you will have to be the final judge.

people are a mix of things, bring out in your self what is best.
you might do this by dropping reducing the meds and diet exercise. Once the weight starts to drop off its a big rush. Reading your post sounds like your not totally put off by what you are now.

i had some of my back teeth pulled and i experienced an odd reaction that of part of my body missing.

[Rae]

Counselor: Nope, who's that?

Pellaz: It took me a few years to get where I am with my current therapist, so I'm kinda nervous about the idea of getting a new one...
And all my medications are for my high anxiety and agoraphobia issues...*sighs*
I may still look around at other therapists though.

[Undreamt]

Doctor shopping isn't going to lead to a good outcome. I wouldn't recommend changing unless you truly find your current therapist to have no benifit.

You say that you have trouble articulating what you mean into words. I know that feeling. Putting emotion , feeling and thought into an ordered sentence that you can only transmit in a singular linear fashion and can't be rewritten as you go along can be incredibly difficult.

Maybe speech isn't your strong point.
Have you tried taking notes to your councellor?
Write down what you want to say first, give your self something to refer to when you are trying to speak your mind.

[Rae]

Undreamt:
*nods* Exactly!
I think I'll try that note thing next session. I might also email her so we can be sure to discuss this.

[Rainbowmum]

Does anything ever seem unreal to you?

Have you ever spaced out?

Do you see your reflection as an empty shell that is not yours; or felt detached from your body?

I am asking because you may be suffering from BPD, (Borderline Personality Disorder)or from DID dissociative identity disorder )
Try and find a therapist that you can open up to , or at least feel somewhat comfortable with.

No matter how good a therapist is , if you are uncomfortable it's going to be a lot more work.

Disassociation is more common than you think.

[ChadCoxRox]

You do not give enough info to say one way or the other...
like are you taking any mental health meds from a psychiatrist who your therapist practices under?
If so, you could write down your concern just as you have here and give it to your psychiatrist who will then convey to the therapist and get the situation opened up at your own pace but with their help. You could specify in the note that you hand deliver and have read while you are there that you prefer the matter be handled at your own pace of choosing and that you only want to help yourself so you are trying to reach out without being chased away for the fear and pain of it all.

Dissociative disorders are FAR more common than the general public is aware and they are NOT the same as Dissociative Identity disorders (multiple personality). They are much more related to anxiety disorders and frequently with obssession/compulsion components. No one label is likely sufficient and no label is necessary in my own opinion; BUT, knowledge is power when it comes to understanding mental concerns beyond just the insight of "why". Learning the HOW of your thinking/feeling/doing can be very easily facilitated to the point that you have a GREAT increase in acceptance, tolerance and peace!

BEST WISHES for you dear as you move forward and thanks for sharing with GS!!!!