11-21-2012, 02:51 AM
Hi guys and gals. I'm 25, male, and I don't really know where to begin, I hope everyone who takes the time to read this will excuse me because I tend to ramble a little. So today I finally admitted to myself that I am gay. I've been doing a lot of self reflection today and I suppose I've always known. It all hit me last night while watching the new episode of Dexter. If you follow the show, the dialog between Dexter and Isaak in the gay bar induced an emotional break down that has been waiting to explode out of me for 13 years.
I have been holding this in for so long and just by admitting this fact, without having to reassure myself that "It's just a phase" or telling myself to "shut up" ect,, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I am exited and scared at the same time. I feel like I might actually be able to be happy. I had my first sexual thoughts about a man when I was 12 and it just never stopped like I thought it would.
I would always feel guilty about thinking this way and immediately make myself think of a sexy chick afterwards. I was also very anti-gay/homophobic, especially with my friends. I was never one of those POS extremists and they have always sickened me. When I was 16 and these feelings still did not go away I would punch myself all over my face and head when ever I was alone with gay thoughts. When my parents asked about the bruising I told them that me and some buddies were just play fighting. If my friends asked then me and my bro had a bad argument. I always tried to be so tough and macho, the epitome of a "straight man" (that's what I thought a straight man was back then anyway). Drinking too much and getting into fights was a weekly thing for me and one time I even told someone I'd fight them with one hand behind my back (Bad Idea as you are unable to block one whole side of your body). When that wasn't enough I would get loaded and tell people to hit me in the face (that often has mixed results as some people are afraid to hit someone as hard as they can and some... well... it hurt, a lot. I just kept getting more depressed and tried to use anger, hate, and drugs to hide who I really am. All that anger and hate just ate me alive and the drugs and alcohol didn't help. Long story short, 12-24 was a drunken-drug induced-blur of bruises and bloody knuckles that I am 99.99% sure was brought on by repressing my homosexuality.
It's not like I have never lusted after a woman . In fact I've had sex with 6 different girls (all were one night stands except the one who I went out with for 3mo, my longest relationship). I have never had a relationship other than friendship with a man but, in light of my recent epiphany, I know that is what I want and have always wanted. Thanks for listening to me babble about my journey to find and accept myself (which is still in progress but I feel I've taken a huge step today.) This is the first time I've told these things to anyone and I have a lot more I could say and many questions I want to ask but that can wait for another post. For the first time, just by admiring this, I feel like I might actually be able to have a happy, fulfilling life. Thank you all so much for listening.
PS. I really don't want to hear from people telling me to seek Jesus or I'm going to hell. I'm sure If I ever have the courage to tell my family I will hear all that nonsense.
PPS. If you think I rambled a lot I actually edited out quite a bit. Lol
I have been holding this in for so long and just by admitting this fact, without having to reassure myself that "It's just a phase" or telling myself to "shut up" ect,, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted from me. I am exited and scared at the same time. I feel like I might actually be able to be happy. I had my first sexual thoughts about a man when I was 12 and it just never stopped like I thought it would.
I would always feel guilty about thinking this way and immediately make myself think of a sexy chick afterwards. I was also very anti-gay/homophobic, especially with my friends. I was never one of those POS extremists and they have always sickened me. When I was 16 and these feelings still did not go away I would punch myself all over my face and head when ever I was alone with gay thoughts. When my parents asked about the bruising I told them that me and some buddies were just play fighting. If my friends asked then me and my bro had a bad argument. I always tried to be so tough and macho, the epitome of a "straight man" (that's what I thought a straight man was back then anyway). Drinking too much and getting into fights was a weekly thing for me and one time I even told someone I'd fight them with one hand behind my back (Bad Idea as you are unable to block one whole side of your body). When that wasn't enough I would get loaded and tell people to hit me in the face (that often has mixed results as some people are afraid to hit someone as hard as they can and some... well... it hurt, a lot. I just kept getting more depressed and tried to use anger, hate, and drugs to hide who I really am. All that anger and hate just ate me alive and the drugs and alcohol didn't help. Long story short, 12-24 was a drunken-drug induced-blur of bruises and bloody knuckles that I am 99.99% sure was brought on by repressing my homosexuality.
It's not like I have never lusted after a woman . In fact I've had sex with 6 different girls (all were one night stands except the one who I went out with for 3mo, my longest relationship). I have never had a relationship other than friendship with a man but, in light of my recent epiphany, I know that is what I want and have always wanted. Thanks for listening to me babble about my journey to find and accept myself (which is still in progress but I feel I've taken a huge step today.) This is the first time I've told these things to anyone and I have a lot more I could say and many questions I want to ask but that can wait for another post. For the first time, just by admiring this, I feel like I might actually be able to have a happy, fulfilling life. Thank you all so much for listening.
PS. I really don't want to hear from people telling me to seek Jesus or I'm going to hell. I'm sure If I ever have the courage to tell my family I will hear all that nonsense.
PPS. If you think I rambled a lot I actually edited out quite a bit. Lol
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
Sounds like it has been tough for you. 
Scorpio
