Hey everyone

[Firetiger]

Hi and Welcome to Gayspeak! : )

[Geminize]

You have taken a huge step, JohnD. You sound so eloquent and accepting of yourself after years of denial and self-abuse. Bravo for that. And you are damn right that you "might actually be able to have a happy, fulfilling life." Welcome and congrats!

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi John,

And welcome to GS. Congratulations on taking the first step to opening the door to the rest of your life. You'll find the GS community here to help you at every stage. If you have a question, no matter how obscure or even embarrassing it may seem, feel free to ether search for it on here, or just ask the question in the forum.

We are all friends here

ObW
x

[princealbertofb]

Dear John (hopefully, this is not a dear John letter ), hello and to GaySpeak. You have made a huge step today and are well on your way to recovery. So, yes, it is possible to hate yourself to the point where you self harm or get others to harm you. These acts of self contrition look strangely like monks flogging themselves. So it still happens but it takes on different forms.
I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through all this, no one should have to go through this, but it has happened and you may take a long time to heal.

I hope, for your sake, that you find some of the answers you've been seeking here and that we can interact with you in a healing and positive way.

The fact that you've openly admitted it (not only to yourself but also to us) today will mean that you can now accept to take the time to recover and forgive yourself.

You are normal, John, your desires and wishes and lusts are normal ( just the same way as it is for part of the population). It's a shame you've been so brainwashed that you felt you had to self-destruct. Fortunately, you've come to your senses in time. For us it's sometimes been a long road, and a long wait, not necessarily one that has been so harming, but lying to yourself is just about the worst violence you can inflict upon yourself.

The weight you described has lifted off your shoulders, your chest, yourself and it will be good to feel lighter.

So, what's the next step for you, John? Is it to find a partner to share your life, or have you found that person already? Is it to share your new self with family, friends?

I wish you all the best and the least anxiety coming out, at last, but I'm guessing that you've gained a lot of strength from recognising who you really are.
Take care.

[JohnDoe]

So, what's the next step for you, John? Is it to find a partner to share your life, or have you found that person already? Is it to share your new self with family, friends?

I wish you all the best and the least anxiety coming out, at last, but I'm guessing that you've gained a lot of strength from recognising who you really are.
Take care.

I think I'm going to take things slow from here, I don't think I'm ready to go out and actively look for a partner. However, now that I've accept this I wouldn't be opposed to a partner if I just so happened to stumble upon someone I connected with (keeping it a secret from friends and family would be hard and thinking of that kinda freaks me out). I'm just going to take some time and enjoy life for a while. I still have a lot of things to work out, as you suggested, and I'm not in any rush.

All day I've had this strange new feeling that I could not quite put my finger on. I was thinking it is self-acceptance but it's more than that. The last line of your post helped me realize some of these feelings; I feel stronger and confident along with this feeling of self-acceptance. There is more to this puzzle of feelings that I still need to put together, but I'm getting closer. Thank you for the kindness, and clarification. I appreciate the support and understanding that everyone has shown me here.

[Rainbowmum]

Congratulations and

[chillythoughts]

welcome to the forum. some people do self destruct so much over this that they actually cant come to terms with it and just ends everything. im glad you never actually got to that point. but you know homophobia does hurt alot so when you were (in your terms) being homophobic towards people, you could've damaged them alot and maybe they lost their self respects to themselves. life is hard enough when your "gay" cus to alot of people it isnt socially accepted and deem us as total freaks. but in reality we are just as normal as anyone else so you should had NEVER denied this to yourself but instead you should had embraced it, nothing to be embarrassed about.

[JohnDoe]

I agree Ivory. I don't want anyone to think I was some sort of queer brasher or went out of my way to discriminate against gays because that is not the case. It was more talking against the idea of homosexuality and telling jokes among friends and family. Also, avoiding anyone or anything that I perceived as homosexual. This isn't an excuse just a clarification. I could try to justify my homophobia with that old cliché , "it was my amour against the world." , but that doesn't make it right or make me feel better about it. Who knows, some of my old friends might have been doing the same thing I was and our actions were just feeding our own misery. Maybe if one of my friends or I had come to terms with being gay back then we could have built bridges rather than burn them (metaphorically of course). It is always easier to burn a bridge than to build one, however.

[WaltHitman]

Congratulations on getting out of the electric chair John. Welcome to being nice to your own self finally, and having kindness towards your own self for the rest of your life. Sounds like you're a really great guy who deserves the title of "worthy".
Now that you've lovingly taken your self into your arms - the very best wishes to you always!

Thanks everyone. It means a lot to me knowing that there is someone out there who accepts, understands, and supports my right to be me.

I don't know about all that man, I just know where you were - and no one deserves to suffer like that even tho some of us do for too long. No one.
(and thank you again God, for getting me out of that self imposed hell so early. Nothing hurts like that, and nothing has since. Amen.)

[Counselor]

Congrats/welcome!