He's thinking about leaving me

[xaduurv]

Hello to anyone who's reading this. I've seen this forum before but I've never posted anything so here goes. I really need some advice.

For about two months now my partner had been getting really distant and didn't want to see me. I tried to ask him what was wrong but he'd always say nothing but he was clearly behaving differently - he had never been this stand-offish before.

Anyway, on Monday he told me he just wanted to be alone and he felt like I'd been "choking" him and I shouldn't come over at all, and that's when I started to fear the worst. On Wednesday I asked if I could see him and he agreed. It was then that he told me that he was thinking of leaving me.

He also told me he'd been doing badly at uni and wanted to change courses but he doesn't know what to do. He says he's trying to figure out what he wants in life and I make his brain "fuzzy" whenever I was around. So he said he needed time and space to think about what he wants.

What could I do? I agreed. Amidst a flurry of tears I told him I'd give him all the time he needs.

A friend took me up to a lookout we sometimes go when we need to talk/think and I absolutely wailed out there. I think I may have made him a bit uncomfortable but he's my best bud so it's cool. I told him everything that had been happening. It was good to get it all out but he hadn't really been there because he's only just getting into his first relationship so he didn't really have any advice for me.

It's now Friday and I feel really lost. In order, my feeling seem to be,
Pangs of missing him
Extreme Sadness
Worry about him going through his problems alone
Anxiety about possibly not being with him any more

From the nature of our conversation I'm not at all hopeful about him wanting to be with me again. He says he loves me and that I didn't do anything wrong, but that we'd been together for two years and he thinks that's a long time. Personally I wanted us to be together for life, and about a year ago he was talking about us being together for life too. He says he'd been thinking about leaving me for about two months but didn't know how to break it to me.

I don't know what to do. Waiting like this for an answer is really doing my head in and it has only been two days since he told me.

[Dan1980]

Hi I am sorry that your going through this pain. Waiting is the hardest part. Two years in a relationship is a long time. Give him time to sort out what he wants.

[Guy]

Well, it must be a really tough time for you.
I'm sorry to hear all that's happening 2 u. It sounds to me like your boyfriend cares about you a lot, and that he doesn't want to hurt you.
But... it seems that it's something that's been boiling under his skin for quite some time.

2 years is a long time, like wow, so I know this must be really hard on you, and it sounds like you really love him too.

Your situation is difficult because your boyfriend doesn't share with you what is the problem that needs fixing...which is difficult to solve.
I'd like to ask you something - how is your sex life? how frequently do you guys meet up for some sexy time? Did it also decline in the recent several months? This can also be a sign of loss of interest...

I'm afraid that at the current situation, even if you love him very much, trying too hard to keep him might even push him away further if he already feels disconnected. I think you should start trying to accept that he might not be the one....as hard as it may be. Try to recuperate, invest in yourself, you deserve better. Do it gradually so it won't hit you at once.

Do a conversation with him. Let him know you're not a sucker (not literally lol ) Let him know that YOU do not wish to be with someone who doesn't show interest in being with you, that this is not the kind of relationship you're looking for, and that he needs to be totally honest with you and tell you exactly what is the problem.


If he needs some more time to reflect on his life, say it's fine (it's up to you really) and you're willing to wait it out. It also really depends how believable he is and if he's really having a hard life or not. It could be that he's giving excuses to not hurt you which is legitimate but you really deserve to know what's going on, otherwise it might be a little disrespectful.

[dfiant]

Some people sort things out in their head better on their own. If he has clear objectives in his career and he is falling short, then yes, a relationship is going to suffer because his education is priority over any other distractions.

Leave him be to sort out his problems and then see what happens down the road.

Some people throw themselves into a relationship (like you), other people like their own space in a relationship (like your partner). Let him find his balance

[xaduurv]

Thanks for the advice so far.

@Guy. Our sex life has actually been pretty active. He has a more active libido than me and usually asks for sex when I come over most times. Without going into detail he had been asking to do "different" things, which I had reluctantly agreed to, and like now

We had a great night Monday (two days before he told me). We just walked around and talked about inconsequential things and so I thought he might be feeling better. I told him I missed those times, when we just went out and talked. We had been doing that less of late.

I'm reluctant to start a conversation with him now because I want to give him the space he asked for and not appear needy or "choking". My friend, who I mentioned earlier, has been spending more time with his GF and that's why I had been spending more time with my BF, because I was feeling lonely. I mentioned that when we had our conversation on Wednesday.

@dfiant. That's the weird part. If anyone, it was him who threw himself into the relationship. He told me he loved me first (before I was ready to respond in kind - though I did), he told me he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me first (before I was ready again). I really was closed off before he came along so I was learning to open up and follow his lead. Now he has pulled back - I'm assuming this is because he needs time to think about what he wants in life - and I'm left wondering where I stand, waiting for the axe to fall (if it does).

I'm kind of agreeing with you all in thinking the best thing I can do right now is nothing. Just give him the space he asked for.

[Rainbowmum]

Hi and welcome Xad.

I feel for you,and am terribly sorry that you are going through this.

If he has been thinking about leaving you for the last two months ,he would have felt very pressured and cornered.
Add to this the face that he is failing and the picture he painted in his mind for you both ,has drastically changed as would his self esteem.

Give him time , but at the same time ,do not get your hopes up of picking the relationship back up.
I really think you need some time to yourself as well.

Of course you will miss him , these feeling just don't go away , there is no magic switch.
Please do not beat yourself up ,take his word that it is nothing you did.

We are all here for you.

[TheFalcon]

take him by the head and force him down on you ruff sex make him hurt

[xaduurv]

take him by the head and force him down on you ruff sex make him hurt

Oh dear.

Call that plan B?

[Blue]

As others have said give him time.

I know it's hard to do, especially when you know someone you love is struggling but, he seems the sort to prefer dealing with things in his own way before talking about them much. At most an email, PM or something letting him know you care and will listen if he wants to talk but don't push the issue right now.

Don't keep your hopes up, but don't give up just yet either and, if you do get back as a couple, be more aware of when he needs his space - ask him to tell you. Not everyone needs or wants their partner on top of them every spare moment they have. Being in different rooms, each doing your own thing is still together for some.

In the end, you need to decide if he is the loner sort that doesn't want a lot of interaction, just a bit here and there that really means something and, if so, if that is good for you.

[xaduurv]

@ Blue. Thanks, I was thinking the exact same thing. I had told him in the future that he NEEDS to be honest with me about his needs or if he has a problem instead of just tolerating things. I'd rather he risk hurting my feelings than him not being honest with me.

We've had a little back and forth via email about the latest goings on and I let him know I'll give him the time he needs to work things out. He still hasn't let me in about what he's feeling about his problems or where he sees us going but I'm not going to push the subject.