Complication - I really needs help

[JackNg]

Dear,
I have a best friend in college. He was the one that almost everyday asked me out for lunch at school to talk and tried very hard to gain my friendship because I don't easily make friends with people. I noticed when we studied together, he always looked at me. I am nerdy while he is very outgoing. He likes to go to club, but I like to go to library. That’s why I don’t know why he wanted to make friends with me. However, we became best friends and always texted to each other when we went to different schools.
Although I felt he is good looking and attracting, but I don't think myself to be attracted strongly by him. I actually love a girl so much, but she didn’t love me. I told him everything about that girl because I suspected that he might be gay and I didnt want a gay relationship with him.
I asked him several times when he was 22 that if he ever had a girlfriend, and he said never. I saw his pics hanging out with friends, but always in a group with guys and girls. He is very masculine and loves sports. He hangs out with guys a lot and no sign of gay, except his look toward me when I am around. He is very close to his younger sister, so close that ppl may think they are a couple. He is also a mommy boy, very close to his mom. However, he is not as close to his brother or father. I never saw him looking at a beautiful girl passing by or making any comments about girls. When I talked about girls, he didn’t show any sign of interest. When we went to a bar together, I was behind and looked at him all the time, but never saw him stared at any sexy girls. Later I told him he was very behaved in the bar, he laughed and said it’s because I was around. I don’t see any reason why he had to behave differently when I am around.
I am 27 and never had a girlfriend because of my life situation. That’s why I don’t really know my main sexual orientation. But recently, somehow I have a very strong feeling for him. I always thought about him and was very happy to meet him or talk to him. When we met each other, we were like a pair of chopsticks and didn’t want to leave each other. Even when we sat in a group, when tend to sit close to each other.
Many times he asked me if I am gay, I did not answer him because he seemed to act offensively to gay relationship and because I did not know my true orientation. However, he later told me he has many gay friends and no problem if I am gay. He stated many times that he is NOT gay, but our friendship will NOT change if I tell him I am gay. He told me he used to have no string attach with girls and slept with different girls different nights. I argued with him that it is so bad to do so, but he said it is normal, as long as both sides agreed. I was very mad because he never reveled that and he lied to me. But he said I just asked him if he had a girlfriend, not sexual partners, and yes, he never had a girlfriends.
I don’t know if he lied to me to test my reaction or it is real. Even when I was so mad that I intended to break this friendship, he still didn’t admit that he just joked. That’s why I think what he said was real. But I still don’t see him having any desire in girl. He doesn’t show any desire in guys either because he has many straight guy friends and they hang out all the time. Only me he treated differently, closer than other friends although he knows them a lot longer than me. Although he never has any girlfriend, no one that knows him ever suspect he is gay, even his family. No one asks him to have a girlfriend. He once told me that he wants to have a family in the future with a wife and children and I should also look for a girl to have a family because I am getting older now. Another reason I am not sure about his sexual orientation is that he is not as sensitive or thoughtful as other gay people. If I don’t call or text him, he rarely look for me, but when he met me in person, he was very sincere to me.
Please share me some opinions about this.
Thank you very much.

[ManicReptile21]

After careful dissection of this post I've concluded; ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Aka. All i got out of this is that you like this guy got jealous. he says he's not gay, yet he's nice to you. i think someone here is thinking with his schlong instead of his brain. He said he's not gay. he said he's fine if your gay. take his friendship. admit to him your bi- get it out of the way. Chances of you two doing anything---very slim. but if he's a momma's boy then it explains his posh and tender side. don't push your luck. fall out of your trance. you don't love him. you just think you do otherwise you wouldn't be getting so offended by his behavior towards gays. You just like him as a friend but your mind is wandering to the bed. fantasy is fantasy. let it dwell in your mind dont expect it to come real. go find yourself a good man who will treat you right.

[princealbertofb]

Hello, Jack, and to GaySpeak. I sense that you are not a native English speaker though your English is very good. Tell me if I'm wrong? I'm wondering whether the person you are talking about is of the same cultural background as you are or not. It might explain some differences in attitudes.
To tell you the truth, I get the impression that you are from Asia and your friend is a full-fledged American or something. Different things might explain your problem but I'd like this to be cleared first. It could be that you're interpreting things with a different cultural outlook and that what seems normal to you with your background may be read differently from an American point of view. For instance you don't think your friend should have one night sexual partners because it's not right, but I'd say it's pretty standard for an American student to play the field that way until he's ready to settle, or if he's romantically inclined (as you seem to be). His sexuality may not be what he's announcing, but maybe he's fishing for it too. Or maybe he's discreet with his sexuality because it's nobody's business but his own and his partners'... maybe he does not wish to shock you because he's been well-brought up? There are umpteen reasons why he's acting the way he's acting.
In truth, if he were interested in you romantically, I think you'd probably know it by now. How long have you two been friends and going out?
I can understand why he likes you as a friend. You sound like a nice, but shy and quiet person. Maybe he needs to have people like you in his life to stave off the louder other boys.
I'm also sensing that you are not so sure about what your sexual attractions are, and that if you are falling in love with this boy it's because he's caring, fun and actually brings you out of your loneliness. That's what you seem to be, ultimately quite lonely. So maybe Lewis is right and you are only attracted to him because he's your safety belt?
The thing about Americans is that they can be very friendly, very quickly, but then it might be difficult to hold on to their friendships for any length of time. The friendliness can be quite superficial. You're looking for something else, for something deeper, I feel. What's more, you are looking for a romantic (and possibly sexual) connexion. Since you are not sure about being gay, would you be ready to have a sexual relationship with another man? Do you think it could be with another man, or just this one???

[princealbertofb]

By the way, I meant no offense to Americans on this site. I think I know quite a few Americans who are not superficial. But, that's how Americans, by and large, come across to us here in France, for example. Americans tend to be very friendly from the onset. In France you'd find it more difficult to consider a person your friend until you'd known them for a while. I think the same goes for the UK, albeit in a different sort of way. Cultural differences that make people behave in different ways and feel different things. Being in a bi-cultural couple makes me sensitive to those differences.

[JackNg]

Wow, you sounded like a psychologist. You were absolutely right. I grew up in Asia and he grew up here. We are both Asians.
Since he said one-night sex is normal, I asked him if his sister thinks the same way and he became very offended because his sister never dated anyone. She is 21-22 years old. I think it is odd because deeply in his soul, he still doesn't think it is normal, otherwise why was he so offended?
I like to see good looking people, both guys and girls, but I don't see myself in a relationship with anyone, except the girl I loved and him. I do have gay sex fantasy though. Somehow to me, he is very different. My temper always went up and down like crazy because of loneliness. Many times I treated and talked to him in a very bad manner, even downgraded his lifestyle, but he rarely got mad at me. One think I know for sure is that he really looks up on my education because I helped him many times in study.
We have been friends for about 3 years, but we both never had any behavior differently from friendship. I cared for him and he cared for me. The only think I don't understand is he never shows any interest in girls or talked about beautiful girls in our conversation although many times I mentioned about it. If he slept with girls that easily, how could it possible to be like that? When I was around my Asian straight friends back in Asia, we talked about girls all the time. So American guys don't stare or look at beautiful girls when they walk by?
He usually called me "cookie" and "my boy", is that normal in American friendship? or he just joked around?
He likes to maintain our friendship, but he did not care much lately when I was mad at him and cut off the contact. I guess I acted that way so many times, that's why he didn't care. To be honest, I love him not because of sexual fantasy. I don't know why I just want his love. I don't think I am ready for any type of sex because I need a serious relationship before I can do so. My family Asian background is very strong with traditional mind, so I am very careful in relationship. I never accept myself as bi or even gay until recently although I know I could be attracted by men since I was in high school.
One time suddenly he asked me if I am a sensitive type of person, and I said yes because I am truly very sensitive to everything. What did he mean? Another time he asked me why I denied to tell him if I am gay or not, I told him psychologically, a hidden gay guy is usually very offensive when being called or suspected as a gay, which he was showing that. He was mad for a while and told me he is NOT gay. I saw a lot of hidden gay ppl like that. How could he be offensive about gay, but have many gay friends?
Thank you for your very thoughtful answer.

[princealbertofb]

I don't have time to answer your post right now, Jack, but I will get back to you. Ok? Take care, ''cookie'' (that's a sweet, very sweet biscuit)...

[nguyenkm]

The thing about Americans is that they can be very friendly, very quickly, but then it might be difficult to hold on to their friendships for any length of time. The friendliness can be quite superficial.

Exactly. All Americans I met were shallow people regardless of their races. As long as they were raised in American society, they are not different from each other. At least the ones I knew were like that. They were only eager to see me when they needed my help. After that, I became a stranger to them. I'm so tired of being treated as a utensil. If I can't even have a decent friendship, how will I achieve a relationship?

[WaltHitman]

I don't think any of us can be offended guys. It's true. Our people...man. We say the first thing that we do to people who come here is hurt them bad so they know "human" and "feelings" and "honesty" are UN-American and even tho all of us aren't that way and think it is like murder to do that to people who come here, we have been raised in it and "every man for himself" is in us even if it is part of our "heartache" instead of our "philosophy" like most.
No. We can not be offended. It is true and too many of us are flat out monsters who look for people new that aren't "on gaurd" and exploit them. You're right. Monsters here. Shhhh. Don't let it show.

[princealbertofb]

I don't think any of us can be offended guys. It's true. Our people...man. We say the first thing that we do to people who come here is hurt them bad so they know "human" and "feelings" and "honesty" are UN-American and even tho all of us aren't that way and think it is like murder to do that to people who come here, we have been raised in it and "every man for himself" is in us even if it is part of our "heartache" instead of our "philosophy" like most.
No. We can not be offended. It is true and too many of us are flat out monsters who look for people new that aren't "on gaurd" and exploit them. You're right. Monsters here. Shhhh. Don't let it show.

You're being hard on yourself; Better the demon you know, I guess... The French pass for being very arrogant, I hear.

[princealbertofb]

Exactly. All Americans I met were shallow people regardless of their races. As long as they were raised in American society, they are not different from each other. At least the ones I knew were like that. They were only eager to see me when they needed my help. After that, I became a stranger to them. I'm so tired of being treated as a utensil. If I can't even have a decent friendship, how will I achieve a relationship?

Hello, km, and to GaySpeak. You will achieve that relationship when you find the right person. That person will not be superficial to you, I'm guessing.