Three tiers of awkwardness

[Wilem]

OK here's a little story for you; a problem I can't figure out on my own. Enjoy.

Setting the scene
My driving test is on the 3rd of March, and I have 5 more 2-hour lessons pre-paid with my driving instructor, Martin. One of these was on Friday night.

Tier 1
Friday. I rush out to the car at 6pm, and Martin is just pulling up. I get in, we start driving. About 2 minutes in, I notice Martin is acting a little strange. After 5 further minutes I realise he is in fact drunk. Lucid drunk, still-able-to-teach-me drunk, but still drunk. (For reasons for this see tier 2). He later on mentions that he hasn't had any food all day. I assume he has had at least one pint, and it has went straight to his head.

Tier 2
Martin, mouth lax with alcohol is chatting away in a vaguely slurrish way, the topic twists and turns until we end up talking about torchwood. He says
"It's getting a bit gayyy isn't it? Don't you think?"
I brush it off, I say that I don't really mind. He says he doesn't either, but he keeps bringing up the fact that he thinks it is getting 'a bit gay', so I think, fuck it:
"Well I'm gay, so I don't really mind all that."
Of course this sets off unusually chatty martin straight onto all the standard questions: how do you know, do your parents know, etc.

He asks whether I'm out to my friends, I say yes, he says that that's good, and I say that it's good because sometimes gays can end up in straight marriages if they never have the chance to come out. He says that that is a very awkward situation. Seconds later he says
"I'm going to be honest with you, I'm gay."

Now I'm really stressed out, and all I can think is to ask
"Is this road 30?", while simultaneously thinking about his wife, his two young daughters, the fact that he is drunk next to me, how to keep this fucking car on the road, and how to get him to get his leg out of the way of my gear stick and handbrake.

We talk about how his wife doesn't know, he hasn't told anyone this ever before, he's never acted upon it, he just wants to meet a nice normal guy that he gets on with to have a relationship, and places he could go to sort it out (lgbt places) that he knows of but has never approached.

Tier 3
He starts coming on to me.
Slowly building up from basic questions; do you have a partner (no), have you ever had a boyfriend (no), what sort of guys do you normally go for (I pre-empt his advances by saying that I go for guys my age; I am waiting until university), he quickly progresses to more... advanced questions; have you ever had gay sex (no), do you like men with big dicks or small dicks (I don't know, I dont think it matters), eventually just saying
"would you be interested in a guy like me?"

Of course I gently re-iterate the fact that I 'only go for guys my age' and 'I'm waiting until university' and 'for fucks sake you're pissed and married with two kids and I'm trying to fucking drive' (OK so I didn't say that last one but that is the general jist I was trying to get accross), but he seems to still be advancing... He waits until my third request to get his leg out of the way of my handbrake / gear stick; he asks "is it me who's made learning to drive enjoyable for you?"; he keeps saying about how we're now much more 'open with each other', so we can get on better now.

Summary
BASICALLY it was 2 hours of every muscle in my body slowly getting more and more tense, followed by a half hour of me laying on the sofa trying to chill out.

My next lesson is this coming saturday morning, I have another booked for the saturday after that.


My plan for saturday is to hope he is now as mortified about the whole thing as I am (having sobered up), and that we can just go on like nothing ever happened.

Somebody say something please! My mind is a mess!

[marshlander]

Wilem, this is AWFUL!! I don't know how you held it together during that nightmare of a driving lesson, but well done. Whatever problems your instructor is having in his life he was well out of order to bring them into a teacher/student relationship. Even more so was it an abuse of his "authority" to behave in this way when a driving lesson is inevitably a one-to-one situation. As far as I can see you'd have every right to cancel your existing arrangements immediately and demand any deposit back.

Unfortunately, you have your test coming up and you may risk failing or having to reschedule if you can't replace this toerag with another driving instructor. Obviously, you are all over the place at the moment, but YOU are the number one priority here. What do you want to do? Could you stand being in the car with him on your next booked lesson. I must say, I am impressed that you seem prepared to give him a chance to apologise and begin to act more professionally.

If you are in any way worried, insist that you take someone with you to sit in the back of the car while you have your lesson. From what you have described you are not at fault here and you owe it to yourself to get through your test and get this sad man out of your life!

Sorry, but abusers make me SO ANGRY :mad:

Good luck.

Regards

[Wilem]

I don't think of him as an abuser as such... more of a deperate, lonely, drunk closet case of the highest order.

And I wanna just pass and forget all of this ... =D

[marshlander]

I don't think of him as an abuser as such... more of a deperate, lonely, drunk closet case of the highest order.

And I wanna just pass and forget all of this ... =D

He is all those things and under other circumstances would probably be deserving of a lot of sympathy. However, he has absolutely abused a position of authority and trust. Sorry, I feel very strongly about the teacher/pupil relationship and there are lines that one just doesn't cross.

I'm not unsympathetic to the domestic situation this man may be in. I was married for many years and very unhappy too, but despite the state I was in (and it wasn't pretty) mixing personal and professional life like this is just plain wrong.

Let's twist the facts a little. Say a driving instructor was alone with a young female student in the car and came on strong. Accusations of sexual harassment don't begin to describe the hoohah that should follow.

Closet case he may be and he needs help before he hurts someone. Being drunk in charge of a learner driver is hardly responsible. In the meantime, is there a chance that you could find another instructor at short notice?

[Shadow]

Hokay babe, let me add my two penneth ...

Your driving test is on the third of March, and you have 10 more hours of drive-time in 5 blocks beforehand, all of which have already been paid for.

Tier 1

You're a smart lad, so I don't need to spell out for you just how shocking unacceptable it is that your driving instructor turns up to a driving lesson under the effects of alcohol. If the roles had been reversed, I'm sure he would have had the common sense not to let you get behind the wheel of the car, and putting himself in the position of having to supervise a learner driver whilst intoxicated on ANY level is thoroughly unacceptable, and borders on the criminal, so that's something you should never have to tolerate again, regardless of the associated sh!t, and I'd make that quite clear to him next time you see him - even if you do it in a gentle manner ...

Hokay so, assuming we can iron-out the issues of his being under the influence whilst technically at least partially in control of a moving vehicle (I assume this one's dual control pedals ?), we can move onto this ...

Tier 2

I have to say, hand-on-heart, this bit

"I'm going to be honest with you, I'm gay."

Now I'm really stressed out, and all I can think is to ask
"Is this road 30?", while simultaneously thinking about his wife, his two young daughters, the fact that he is drunk next to me, how to keep this fucking car on the road, and how to get him to get his leg out of the way of my gear stick and handbrake.

Actually DID make me snort tea through my nose - I'm just really glad you were able to walk away from the whole thing unscathed !! It COULD have ended in tears in a BIG way ...

Regardless of his personal situation (and I'm not unsympathetic to the guy, but there is a time and a place for such things and when you're in the company of a learner-driver who's just been goaded into coming out to you and travelling at speed along a road you're probably seeing in triplicate from the drink you imbibed earlier in the day IS NOT IT).

So on this score, I'd sit him down and say (basically) "Look mate, I'm not having a go about your situation - I do sympathise, but DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA how DANGEROUS it is doing what you just did when you've got a learner-driver at the wheel ??", or similar. Aim for straightening him out as, let's be blunt, this guy isn't one of your friends - he's providing you a cut-and-dried professional (!!) service and then odds are you're never going to see him again ... it's extremely nice of you to discuss his problems with him, and to try and help him find his feet - it's just not your responsibility, frankly not your problem, and DEFINITELY not the subject for discussion whilst travelling at (x) mph and learning the ropes of how to operate a car on the road !!

Tier 3

Nope, stop ... stooooooooooop stop stop ...

He came on to you ??

F*cking hell babe.

Ok.

I think Martin needs a couplea short slaps to wake him up from his sleepytime. THIS ISN'T A F*CKING MOBILE COUNSELLING SERVICE, nor is it a curb-crawling trip ... this is a professional arrangement, and if he cannot stick to that then he's no use to you as a teacher ...

Do you know of anybody else that has been taught by him ? I don't know what it's like over there, but over here certainly there are a few driving schools that many people gravitate to, and so odds are one or more of your mates might be using him as well ?? Without outing him to them, perhaps you could have a chat with them about how the whole driving thing is going in general, and see what they think of him - whether they have any tales to relay of him, etc., etc.

That might help you build up a better picture of him away from the driving thing, and thereby gauge (no offence to him like) whether he's a potential threat ...

Summary

"My plan for saturday is to hope he is now as mortified about the whole thing as I am (having sobered up), and that we can just go on like nothing ever happened."

Good plan - that sounds like what my plan woulda been when I was your age, BUT

You do need to consider a few things ...

If he is most apologetic (which I anticipate he will be) then I think you should still mention something about it, as otherwise odds are you're going to find this next session as stressful as the last one ... find some way to burst the bubble from the tension as it were ... but make it clear that it's not going to repeat itself, or you're going to get out, get a refund, and never see him again.

If he takes your returning as a sign that his carry-on last time was in any way acceptable (which could only be the case if he is SERIOUSLY DELUSIONAL) then I think a few short smacks (verbally) ought to put him in his place. This is a professional arrangement you've come to - not one as between friends, and you have every right to expect him to be able to conduct himself in a lucid, sober, professional manner.

If he behaves in a manner that you consider unacceptable, threatening or otherwise (which should not happen) then I would consider asking him for a refund, threatening to report him or similar (but not whilst travelling at high-speeds).

One thing's for sure babe - you're going to make one hell of a driver if you can cope with that much stress behind the wheel ...

.

xxxxx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[princealbertofb]

Whoah, Wilem!!! Way out of order! I agree with my man on that one... Who runs the driving school you're at? Is it him? In any case, I think you are totally entitled to a refund and to finding another driving instructor. Then, after that is done, maybe you could (if you wish) meet this Martin in a different context, if you're feeling like helping him out a bit (out of pity or kindness or charity). But I think you owe it to yourself not to let that conversation go any further while you're getting taught to drive. I don't know how you managed to keep driving, honestly. Maybe you should have pulled over, just then, and got out of the car, and left him to drive it back.

I'm thinking he'd probably pegged you as being gay and since he must fancy you, he had felt he could only tell you if he was drunk. Not the bravest way to behave, but we can sympathise with his predicament. Especially if his infatuation was staring him in the face. But I still think he put you in a very difficult and uncomfortable situation, which could have ended in an accident.

In any case, it's very nice of you to want to forgive him and just wipe it out of your mind till you get your license, but what guarantee do you have that he won't start again? You'll at least be on your guard, which, to my mind, won't be the best way to take your next driving lessons. This incident will definitely have been a proof of your powers of concentration.

Maybe you need to tell him that
1/ you heard his predicament (and that you sympathise ... if you do)
2/ his behaviour was, however, totally out of order (his being drunk was out of order too)
3/ you're willing to forgive him (if that's how you view the situation), if he does his job properly and to your satisfaction (ie getting you through the exam)
4/otherwise you'll have to report him or sue (I don't think he'll want to be in such a situation, so that threat might be enough to ward him off)
5/ (if this is the case) you don't want any other interaction with him but the professional ones for which you paid.
6/ remind him that were you a woman or girl you could sue him for harrassment (as pointed out by Marshlander)

You said he was lucid-drunk but do you think he'll own up to having told you all this? He's definitely let the cat out of the bag and it's a bit of a hot potato. What are you going to do with it? In any case the cat cannot be put back in, and the burden of this knowledge puts you in a tight spot. I'm sure he realises that. He may feel very sheepish, or ashamed of himself now. But maybe not.

What might also happen is, if there are other driving instructors at the school, he may ask one of his colleagues to give you the instruction from now on, thus alleviating his guilt and your tension. That would be lucky... but er... I think you're not counting on it.

Whatever your decision, you don't have to put up with such unprofessional behaviour. You'd be perfectly entitled to ask for a refund and apologies. That man was out of bounds.

[michael2008]

Good luck on your driving test,
I woulda snapped at the guy.
you said you didn't so thats good,
what a silly man for being married and having kids and not coming out.....

X

[fjp999]

What a mess.

I think you handled yourself very well and should be awarded a great love during your university years.

Now thta that is out of the way... It is always my policy to report such behavior. Not to get the person in trouble (he is in a lot of trouble) but also to make sure it doesnt happen to anyone else in the future!

I understand that you just want to pass your test and be done with this mess but this man could have killed you and himself and maybe others in the way of your car. Very dangerous!

He is an abuser - of alcohol and he is a driving instructor. A very dangerous situation.

take care and good luck,
frank

[marshlander]

what a silly man for being married and having kids and not coming out.....

We don't know anything about this man's circumstances. Life is never as cleanly cut as as we might want to imagine.

[princealbertofb]

I agree with Marshlander, if some groups manage to persuade gay people who are uncomfortable with being gay that they can be cured by ypareht esrever, then I suppose it is also possible for any person to delude themselves as to who they really might be. It's not fair to say that that man was silly, and made a silly choice. For all we know it was a shotgun wedding.