Okay, so my other half is a bit flirty with men he finds attractive. I'm fine with this because I trust him. I know we love each other and I know he would never do anything to hurt me.
My husband's friend (Friends with both of us really, but more my other half I think) is apparently a little worried that my husband flirts with him, both when I'm there and when I'm not. I guess he feels I'll be upset and get jealous or something.
I'd like to reassure this friend that I'm fine with them flirting with each other and I'm secure enough that I'm not going to get jealous.
For example: My husband's ex was one of the best men at our wedding. He talks freely about all his exes, and was planning on meeting up with one when he was on our side of the Atlantic recently. Again, I have no issue with this because I know we are able to separate things out properly. And, if I was ever going to get jealous about any of this I guess it would have happened by now.
Any ideas about what I could say that will be effective? I don't want friendships to be curtailed or strained because if this.
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If reassurance is what he is after then give it to him.
Or you could tell him to talk to your husband about it is making him uncomfortable.
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or you can just shut up. men tend to like something you disagree with ... just saying
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I'd just assure him that you are fine with it and that your relationship is secure and you trust your husband. One of those "Yeah he flirts but, he knows where the honey comes form." things.
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colinmackay Wrote:Okay, so my other half is a bit flirty with men he finds attractive. I'm fine with this because I trust him. I know we love each other and I know he would never do anything to hurt me.
My husband's friend (Friends with both of us really, but more my other half I think) is apparently a little worried that my husband flirts with him, both when I'm there and when I'm not. I guess he feels I'll be upset and get jealous or something.
I'd like to reassure this friend that I'm fine with them flirting with each other and I'm secure enough that I'm not going to get jealous.
For example: My husband's ex was one of the best men at our wedding. He talks freely about all his exes, and was planning on meeting up with one when he was on our side of the Atlantic recently. Again, I have no issue with this because I know we are able to separate things out properly. And, if I was ever going to get jealous about any of this I guess it would have happened by now.
Any ideas about what I could say that will be effective? I don't want friendships to be curtailed or strained because if this.
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First of all, its nice to see other couples out there thats not constricting on one another, because friends looks at me weird when i walk down the street with my other half and we have a discussion whether the guy we just passed was nice or not, simply because we are engaged they are the type of people that would be very unhappy with their girl or boyfriend for looking at another person other than themselves...
Jealousy though is a uncontrollable emotion, however what actions you use from it are completely under your control. The question remains is how deep you know your relationship goes, how much you two love each other and trust trust trust.
and remember one thing, they are his EX for a reason and you are still with him. Just remind him how much you love him regularly, and how much you trust him, because thats about the most you could do, apart from stalking and you dont want to go down that route.
Dont over do it though, because he will get suspicious, and you dont want to seem like you mollycoddling him, because that makes him feel constricted and it tends to put strain on most relationships.
Thats my advice, otherwise the only other thing is make more friend, or plan to meet up with friends at the same time he is meeting his ex, its a good way to keep your mind from testing your own trust
&^.^
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Thanks for the advice. I'll just try and reassure our friend that I'm okay with the flirting. My husband likes to make people happy and flirting is a bit if an ego boost to the recipient which makes them happy. It's just his way and there's no harm in it.
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The thing that is bothering me about your post is that YOUR FRIEND is the one bothered by it and not you. It's cool that you are ok with it, but sounds like you are not seeing that it is making other people uncomfortable.
Sure, to each his own, that's their problem right? Well not so fast. He is invading their personal space. At least to the point where they feel uncomfortable about it and need talk to you about it.
So maybe, he needs tone it down a bit. Ego boosts are for people that have issues. Mentally healthy people who are happy with them-self don't need outside ego boosts.
Also, just on a more practical note, as you get older, it's not hot, its tacky and gross. Would you want to see your mother constantly flirting with older men while she was still hanging out with your father? NO CLASS.
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Actually, i'm glad you're dealing with this the way you are. You knew your partner was a big flirt from the day you met him, after you were dating, after you had a committment ceremony and to this very day. Nothing ruins an LTR faster than when 1/2 of a couple KNOWS his/her partner's personality, and then once committed, wants their partner to CHANGE their character because all-of-a-sudden a part of that character "bothers them."
As long as he knows his boundaries (flirting is fine and fun, but that's it - and youv'e discussed what crossing that line means) all you have to do is tell your friend (or friends) that you know he's a flirt, it's part of what makes him so charming, and that unless he crosses the line (making out, getting naked, oral, etc) than it's all ok. I would'nt share those details with EVERY friend, just those you know are worried. And, i would also tell that friend (or friends) that you would expect them to tell YOU if he ever DOES cross that line - that's something a good friend should and would do for you.
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BobInTampa Wrote:all you have to do is tell your friend (or friends) that you know he's a flirt, it's part of what makes him so charming, and that unless he crosses the line (making out, getting naked, oral, etc) than it's all ok. I would'nt share those details with EVERY friend, just those you know are worried. And, i would also tell that friend (or friends) that you would expect them to tell YOU if he ever DOES cross that line - that's something a good friend should and would do for you.
That's a lot of stuff to throw on your friends. What's charming to you is not to others.
No one said you should change him. BUT, the cliche about not changing anyone is only partially true. People grow, change and mature throughout their whole life. If you have a partner, this is going to play a part in that whether you like it or not. Someone else feelings opinion are involved. This is not a business relationship, its an emotional one and that meas what you do affects someone else. It looks like you are fine with that.
My point is, other people are not. It must be somewhat over the line if people are asking you what the F is up with your husband.
Would you like it of you were at a party and some guy that looked like Bruce Vilanch was all over you? Then when you tell his partner hey, uh, your boyfriend is all over me, he responds with "that's what makes him so charming"
Maybe your boyfriend is a hottie right now, but he wont be forever. Personality traits progress with age and if you don't do anything about that now, Don't be surprised when you are a lot older and no one wants to hang out with you guys. Because, he will be all over them pawing them left and right and you will be so jaded you wont even see whats going on as not pretty to the outside world.
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