Straight (??) married woman very, very darn confused

[MartyWT]

Thinking of many ways to start the topic, I just want to say I feel messed up.
I am a hetero married woman, no gay experience and don't think I am attracted to other women although I am so confused now that I consider trying to go out with a lesbian woman to see if there is something super-subconscious in my mind trying to get out of the closet. I love my husband dearly, but my sexual life is no cause of excitement: he loves me very much, he is completely straight, monogamous and not industrious in bed and he is very easy/quick to get off, he knows I don't get much out of it at all, and I don't want to say he does not care about me but I can only guess he does not understand all the depth of my despair at having no excitement in bed. See, it is messed up. Now, that's not even the tip of the iceberg. I feel very attracted to gay men in a friendly way. Or is it not a friendly way? Seeing or reading about male gay relationships turns me on and gives me this butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling like I can feel a little bit of their love and somehow this love is bigger than what I have in my life. It is both the heart emotion and the sexual tension - I don't get turned on reading hetero erotics, but I do very much when reading gay erotics. I think I do love men but I love them in a gay way and not the way of a hetero relationship! Does it even make sense? Who would be the right partner for me then, a gay man friend? A bi man? A lesbian woman? Or is it some kind of a gender bender I am having?
Any advice what I should do? I swing between the range of ideas from finding a lesbian friend to see if I have a man inside my head (and I don't know any lesbian women, so it would likely mean online dating. I had friendly cuddling experiences with my teenage girl friends in my teens, and I swear nothing moved in me then or now thinking about it), or to closet it and keep it on unhappily, covertly enjoying gay stories, or to find a bi man who can somehow relate to my confusion and explain things to me, or to run away to somewhere remote and try to get a new life. I even brought up a question of a threesome with my husband but he got this ridiculous attitude that 'if I want someone else he wouldn't keep me back' like he does not even process what I am saying. He is not inconsiderate, I think he is just so straight in his head that he cannot even start imagining what is going on in my mind. Any advice in any direction is appreciated. Anyone who's gone through a similar mess?

[Blue]

It sounds to me like you are looking for anything to spice things up and, it really isn't about gender or orientation. In fact the husband would probably be fine.

Learn about and see if hetero kink wouldn't do just as well, then see if the husband would be willing to try a few things with you.

If that isn't the case, then you have a lot more to think about but, I'd start there and see if you can make the man you have get interesting again.

[Counselor]

And there are always "tools" you can implement in the bedroom...

If Hubby is open-minded, he might be interested in trying something new.

[Rainbowmum]

I would have to say that it sounds like you are sexually unfulfilled .
Perhaps you can introduce your husband to role playing , or even try a sex therapist.

There are plenty of things you can do to turn him on and spice up your sex life.

As for getting turned on by gay sex , it is obviously subconsciousness of Taboo sex, where in fact it is 100% normal, just as being Bi is natural ,look around you at nature.

[gayworld]

I agree with the others. First and foremost, have you had a heart to heart talk with your husband? This talk needs to be a serious natured talk about what you want, what you think about him, what you need, and the feelings/emotions of confusion that you have been having. Integrate this talk with the same mentality that you see in those novels; are they talks of an intellectual nature or an erotic one? Trully tell all to your husband and then maybe bring in some props into the bedroom such as movies, toys, etc...Also, find out if there is anything that he would want before actually getting off such as more foreplay, roleplaying, etc....and maybe by helping to please him before he climaxes he would take more time into pleasing you....

As for your erotic feelings surrounding gay movies and such; do you get the same feelings if you watched two hetrosexual persons having sex in a movie? If so, then I would tend to lean towards a specific void that is not being met in your life, but it is not relevant to a gay/straight movie. I believe that you are searching for happiness, but you are confused as to where to look. Odds are you can have it at home. Ultimately, it has to start with effective two way communication, and then hopefully the sex will just happen.

Just a thought.

Gay World.

[Undreamt]

You position isn't that rare.
Besides the fact that its just like the opposite of straight men getting off on lesbian porn. There is alot of male gay erotica written by women.

With your husbands response to the suggestion of a threesome, while it true he might not be taking you seriously or misunderstood, it could be that he was processing it not just in the way that you expected.

How did you approach the situation, did it sound like you wanted a 3some so that you could experiment with another person, or did it sound like you wanted a 3some so that you could play around with two other people at once or so that someone could watch.

If he thought it was option 1 and he isn't interested in the idea of 3some but is happy for you to experiment then the answer he gave would make sence.

[Geminize]

First, you are NOT messed up. I suggest couples counseling or sex therapy instead of trying a threesome. If your husband is not open to the idea, sex therapy on your own might be helpful. (I have never tried it, so no experience to share.) I just think meeting the issue head on is the best choice. If you love him dearly and he loves you, it's worth trying. Having the right "tools" to get you both to a place of sensual satisfaction is worth the effort, even if it seems embarrassing or awkward at first. Sexuality /sensuality is an important part of a relationship, but not something we all learn. Let him know that you think this is important to you and your relationship. Try to present it as a challenge you need to solve together, not something that is wrong with him. Good luck!

[MartyWT]

Thank you so much, I am very relieved to read your opinions. I was sleepless overnight thinking if I would get any harsh reactions to my story, and very nervous today to check in the forum. I am very grateful to get real food for thought from your replies.

Undreamt, what you pointed out about men getting off on lesbian porn put a smile on my face. I should have thought about the parallel too. As Gay World says, it is happiness I am searching for, and I think when I read gay erotics, I envy the kind of trust that I see there (I may be heavily stereotyping... it is the kind of experience I cannot exactly come across in my gender, so my imagination feels in the gaps). In hetero movies and stories, I somehow feel that the relationship is more typically not 50/50, that one or another party is ultimately used for something, that one or both have to compromise - and so I don't buy on it and it does not turn me on. It must be reflecting my own experiences, and it is very probable that I got the gay relationship idealized as an impossible alternative. Also, I have never watched gay porn... only romantic movies. Hetero porn is practically built on the idea of power tripping, domination and so on and it generally disgusts me. Maybe that's the nature of the porn industry and it is the same with gay porn?
Hubby... I suspect he sails on the ship of "I am not good enough for you", so my attempts at this discussion so far generally end up with him saying something about wishing he could do something differently, and hoping that his love makes me happy, and if not he feels so sorry. He is greatly opposed to the idea of therapy. But the world was not built in a day, so I've got to work with what I have I am glad you guys don't say I am wrong in the head.

[Undreamt]

Oh and to also demonstrate that this is not unusual or strange.

Have you heard of slash fiction? (Like fan fiction only gay themed and can often be erotic)

Just to quote wiki on the topic "slash fiction has been described as important to the LGBT community and the formation of queer identities, as it represents a resistance to the expectation of compulsory heterosexuality,.... but has also been noted as being... a medium to express feminist frustration with popular and speculative fiction."

Sounds similar what you are saying.

Regarding your actual issues with your husband, I don't have a lot of suggestions, he probably feels frustrated in his perceived incompetence, maybe try getting him to use toys on you or asking him to do things that will get you off without tipping him over the edge.

[djharris79]

Have you discussed this with your husband?, if not It is probably a good idea to tell him exactly what you just put on your post. You love him and he loves you, and I think, if you haven't talked to him yet, you should really talk to him, so that he can understand what you are going through, and the two of you can come up with possible ways of addressing the issue. Seek professional advice, probably from a sex therapist or someone who is an expert on this issues.

Trying to seek someone outside your marriage to satisfy your sexual desires would cause problems to your marriage. Main thing is, communication. Discuss the problem with your husband and seek possible solutions together.