OK, so here’s my predicament. I have been with my boyfriend for two years, 14 months of which has been a long-distance relationship because I moved to Switzerland to do a two-years masters degree. I love my boyfriend, he loves me and we have both been faithful to each other. However, we spend very little actual time together. We are only a one and half hour flight away from each other (he lives in the UK, where I am from), but because I am a student and he is unemployed, we don’t have the money to buy flights very often to see each other. Also, as a student, I’m always working and stressed so don’t have as much (quality) time to spend with him as I want to. Nevertheless, we speak at least once everyday on the phone and/or on skype.
Over the past couple of months, I feel as if I am growing increasingly emotionally detached from him. Even though I feel that I still love him, we find ourselves with nothing to really talk about. Also, I am happy living in Switzerland and would like to stay here because the quality of life is so much better than the UK and the job opportunities are better. But I don’t think my boyfriend wants to move out here to be with me, even though he says that he would be open to doing so. I am also becoming bored of the relationship because we never see each other. I have counted and over the past year we have spent about three weeks together, and of those three weeks, we tend to get on each others nerves quite quickly as we are not used to being around each other so much anymore. We seem to have nothing in common and we share no common life together.
To top things off, I’ve met a guy here a couple of months ago who I am starting to have feelings for. I have not done anything with him (and I will always remain faithful to my boyfriend as long as we are together) but he likes me (he asked me out when we first met) and he is super respectful of the fact that I have a boyfriend. As I’ve got to know him, I have developed romantic feelings towards him. We have gotten to know eachother pretty well and have become friends. We share common interests socially and professionally and he lives here, with similar ambitions to me. He is good looking and I am sexually and emotionally attracted to him. But I cannot say that I love him (at least not yet) as I still feel I am in love with my boyfriend and we have never been together in a romantic way.
I really don’t know what to do. I am unsure whether I am actually still in love with my boyfriend or whether i just feel the memory of being in love with my boyfriend. On the other hand, I’m not sure whether my attraction to this other guy is a reaction to the fact that things aren’t going well with my boyfriend, and is consequently enhancing my attraction to him because he represents the things missing from my relationship with my boyfriend. The last thing that I want to do is to hurt anyone and I want to act as honourably and correctly as possible. I’m also suffering still from a bereavement of two dear family members which have occured in the 18 months and I find that this has affected my confidence, my certitude and my focus. I’m not sure whether this rough patch could be a byproduct of my bereavement or not. I would greatly appreciate any advice and opinions as I truly feel lost and could use some direction. Thanks.
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Welcome adzcoz! Thanks for your post.
I would say your situation pretty much sums up why long-distance relationships don't work for most people. It sounds like, in your case, absence does NOT make the heart grow fonder.
You mention you still love your boyfriend... do you love him or are you IN love with him? You say you have nothing in common and don't fully enjoy spending time together, which seems odd since you rarely get to see each other. You should savor every moment you're together!
If you haven't already, it sounds like you should have a serious talk with your boyfriend about the long-term and if you don't see a life with each other eventually and have a desire to be in the same place (whether it's in Switzerland, the UK, or somewhere different), I'm not sure how that will work.
It's admirable that you have not cheated on your boyfriend, even with the temptation of this new individual you've met; however, I think that him being in your life is going to draw you further away from your boyfriend since you've now developed feelings for him.
Only you know what is the right decision for you, but if I were in your shoes, I would say it's time to move on from the boyfriend (or at least take a break) and explore things with this new guy. Who knows, being with the new guy may make you realize you really do want to be with your current boyfriend or you may realize that the new guy is right for you at this point.
Good luck either way!
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Hi ThatRobGuy,
Thanks for your message. I think you're point about loving my boyfriend or being IN love with my boyfriend is really useful. I think I need to think about this. I've spoken to my boyfriend about the long-term plan and he says all the right things but I'm not convinced whether he truly wants to move out here. I guess I need to give things some more thought.
Thanks again,
adzcoz444
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Hi,
consider, that you want A LOT from him, when you want him to move to a different country with you.
I had been living in foreign country for several years and even though I was there with the man I loved, I didn't feel there at home. After three years I was glad I could leave. Even the simple thing like that the nature looked different and the weather was different (I guess no more than UK and Switzerland), were making me uncomfortable and homesick. Not to mention that he would have to leave his friends and family at home AND probably be dependent on you for some time after moving to S.
It's a very difficult decision.
Does he see that you are growing apart? Have you talked about the reasons why you argue when you are together?
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Hi Nick9,
Thanks for your message. I completely understand what you're saying but I don't think that what I am asking is unreasonable. My boyfriend is Italian and lives in the UK, so he has no family there and does not really have many friends in London, where he lives. He's also been looking for a job in the financial sector there for nearly 3 years and hasn't found anything, so he's been working as a language teacher here and there to earn some money. He has no ties to the UK and doesn't really like life there too much, but I think for himself, he wants to get a job in London as one of the major global financial centres in the world.
Conversely, he likes where I live because it is closer to both geographically and culturally to Italy and he could find a job in the financial sector more easily in Geneva than in London. Also, I am here, and given the fact that his family is in Italy and Brazil, I would have thought that it would be better to be with me than to to be alone in London.
We have spoken about growing apart, but he doesn't feel that we are and he says that I am being impatient. We really do try to put in as much effort as possible to keeping the relationship alive, but it seems forced rather than natural, and speaking to him feels more and more like a duty than a pleasure. When we are together, we try and spend quality time together, but we each spend so much time alone and apart that we just do things to annoy each other. So to mitigate this, we tend to try and be on our best behaviour around each other, which is strange if we've been together for so long. Also, there is this pressure when we see each other because there is this conscious sense that we should be having fun, and when things don't work out as they should, it all kind of blows up.
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ok, you are in a different situation 
you should tell him all this, all about how you are feeling. We can't tell you what to do.
You could try texting. If you send several texts an hour, about simple everyday things, it would feel more like you are experiencing them together. It could break that feeling of duty that you talked about.
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If you are in your 40's this relationship would come more naturally. 40+ year old tend to have more patience, or just understand that there really are not plenty of fish in the ocean, thus we are willing to extend ourselves more into a relationship.
If you are in your 20's you tend to not be able and willing to invest that much time, energy and patience to a very long term goal.
When you are 40+ 20 years is a drop in a bucket, in your 20's 20 years looks like a lifetime - thus this perspective comes into play big time when dealing with things like LDR's or for that matter relationships in general.
I suspect you both want more than you are getting out of this relationship. I suspect you are getting as much as you can get, and need to decide at this time if there is enough time in the world to wait until things are more favorable to a live together situation, or if its time to acknowledge that your two paths in life are so far separated that waiting what feels like a life time mayn't be worth it.
I think your heart has already made up its mind. It finds the closer guy to be very appealing, and lets face it, after 2 years of 'being together' and you have to be on your best behavior in order to get along, something is all wrong with that picture.
Your reply to Nick has a lot of 'I thinks' in it. Don't you know what he wants? hasn't he explained why London is so appealing to him even though it is not panning out in the way of job and friends?
From what you have written it sounds like there is no reason for him to want to stay in London, yet here he is really working hard to stay there. Why is this?
What about the other option here, you drop your dreams and go running back to London. If he can/should do that for you, then it follows that you can/should do that for him - no?
You said 2 years and you have invested 14 months, only 10 months left to go and you can return to London to be with him. Sounds like a good plan?
If it doesn't sound like a good plan then you need to sit down and figure out why for yourself, then you need to couch it to him with some definite long term goals for yourself and the potential 'us'.
Relationships are about compromise and finding a middle ground. I think in this case this would be somewhere in Northern France 
I think you two should have a long sit down talk about long term and short term life goals that each of you have as an individual, then see if you can work a little of both into the long term goals of what an 'Us' (partnership) could manage.
If neither or both of you can't see yourselves giving up individual needs/wants, then the answer is pretty clear.
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Sounds to me like the infatuation wore of and, you have mistaken that for love. No that's only the beginning. After that comes the shared goals, interests and comfortable with each other sort of love where simply talking or being together is enough.
Sure the fiery BANG, WOW effect is gone and, you are accustomed to the connection so, it's an everyday part of you and, you really don't notice it that much but, you would miss it and, it would hurt terribly if it were gone.
It's human nature to want the intense feelings and excitement of new love to last forever but, that isn't reality. Evaluate where you really are, what you really want and, talk with him - communication is key to making any relationship work. Lasting relationships don't simply happen, they take work and, a big part of that work is communication - open, honest communication.
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It seems so simple when you write it like this B.A.
And perhaps... it is. It's just difficult to see the perspective when you are in the middle.
Amen to every paragraph you have written.
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Hello adzcoz444 
It sounds that you are on an emotional roller-coaster at the moment.
There is a lot on your plate , and this new guy makes you feel spirited away from it all.
For just a few hours he makes you feel special again , the pressure is off , no obligations .
You feel alive again , able to laugh ,common ground as the relationship back home dwindles away into friendship more than anything else.
I know you would not cheat on your boyfriend , but please remember he is willing to give up everything to be with you .
How would you feel if the tables were reversed ,if this was happening to your boyfriend , if he met someone new?
I can not tell you to break up with him ,only you can make that decision , but before you make any decision that will effect both yours and his future , do some soul searching , be honest with your self .
Are you still in love with him ?
Remember back to the time when he made your heart skip a beat , would you have considered being with anyone else?
Has the relationship dwindled into an obligation?
Are you weighing up your options for a way out?
Only you can answer these questions.
I wish you the best , we are all here for you.
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Please give insight into my long-distance relationship trouble
