Please give insight into my long-distance relationship trouble
12-09-2012, 05:28 AM
Hello Adzcoz, and 
to GaySpeak. I am your neighbour and live only a few miles away. If it can help, we might meet.
My experience of life is similar to yours only my partner and I are much older. We've been together ten year this year and I look forward to every time he can be with me or I can be with him. Contrary to your situation we never get on each other's nerves but it could be 'old age' talking here, or maybe we are just very compatible.
My boyfriend teaches in England, I teach here in France (just the other side of the border) but I am the one with the stable situation. He's a musician and self-employed and money is not easy to come by with the financial crisis and his local situation. Still, he can't bring himself to come and live here for good, as he fears his French is not good enough to work and he doesn't know what he'd do for a living. I think he would easily find a job teaching English in the area as there is a high demand but that's not really his area of expertise, therefore I don't want him to be uncomfortable and regret leaving his professional skills behind and forfeit the renown that he's built for himself in his area of expertise in East Anglia. What's more, his family is in England, and although it's quite easy to go to and get back from the United Kingdom, that's one of the things he'd have to give up... This part is getting easier and easier as his kids are all grown up now and gradually all raising families of their own. So they don't have so much need of their dad, nor time for him.
So our relationship may sometimes seem a little strained but it always works out for the best when we are together again.
I am a patient man by nature, and I really love him, and I'm not interested in anyone else, so that part of my story is different. At our ages finding a partner that is just what we wanted gets slightly more difficult and the ''hunt'', if we can call it that, can be both frustrating and exhausting, not to mention scary.
Anyhow, what some of the other posters here have said makes some sense. A long distance relationship needs work and compromise from both parties and part of the work is planning. I think this has been key to us still being happily together after these ten years. Marshlander (my boyfriend) has decided that he's going to spend one week with me every month (more if he can afford it, if there's no pending work to be taken), generally it's the second week in the month, but sometimes even that careful planning doesn't quite work out. We make do.
We know that if we can't see each other for more than three weeks it's a strain, on the heart, on the emotions, on the loneliness and the yearning. Oh boy, we spend a lot of time yearning, I think. But I am a man of the world and I know that we can't spend our lives yearning. I gave him leave (and he gave me leave) to seek companionship with other men or another man, if he or I feel too lonely and find someone to share with. The only demand I made upon him was to keep me safe from infections if he did ''stray''. I am to do the same, but I know (or rather strongly suspect) that I won't stray. I think on his side he feels the same, and has no desire to stray, because, for one thing, he's happy to commit to this relationship. I think your boyfriend is happy to commit to you likewise, if I understand you well. It does bear some meaning and some value, I believe.
Now I can appreciate that because you've seen very little of each other in the past 14 months the golden aura of love is quickly becoming just a memory. A nice memory but it's just losing its tangibility. It's becoming more and more vague and less and less appealing, all the more so as the attraction of the golden aura seems to be making itself tangible in that new friend you've made in Geneva. You're not a monk, you're not a nun, you probably need to feel the warmth of a relationship, and this one's there just waiting to happen. What a temptation!
My idea is that it's also tempting to put all the pros and cons in the scales and to weigh them up. It looks as if the Geneva plate is beginning to weigh much heavier than the London plate. But have you put all the ingredients that are still on the table onto the scales?
I read somewhere that you can usually tell if a relationship is strong when you can put words on why you love someone; words meaning actions or adjectives, not the vague "I love him because I love him". Again, it's got to be tangible, in some way. Something like: I love him because he always makes me laugh. I love him because we can enjoy a romantic film together. I love him because he knows things about (...) that I don't know much about. I love him because he cooks my favourite dish, etc...
Actually, try doing this as if you were talking to him: I love you because you are ... because you (do such and such)... Apparently the more you can put words to these connections, the longer the relationship is likely to last.
This may all be hocus pocus but I believe it is true to some extent. If you can't find much to say about your relationship, then how can you make it exist, least of all from afar? Then, you can also try doing this for the new friend... Try putting words onto how he makes you feel about yourself, how he makes you feel about the connection you have.
If you come to the conclusion that, despite what your Italian boyfriend is ready to do for you and willing to ''give up'' for you, the new friendship / relationship is likely to bring you a better situation, a better emotional and sexual connection, a better chance at a happy life, then you have your answer, and I hope you'll manage to break up with your current boyfriend, maybe even keep him as just a friend. But it wouldn't be fair to string him along. The problem for you both is that you are still in the uncertainties of youth and of studentship or unemployment, and it's making things difficult for you both. You may end up choosing a solution that's just more convenient financially. That's life.
One last point, the discomfort you've been feeling towards your boyfriend when you have been together is normal, I assure you. When you are away for too long from a person you think you know, you realise that there's a lot that's happened that might disconnect you. As familiarity breeds contempt, or so they say, I think that unfamiliarity breeds caution. Losing your certainties can feel awkward. You can't be quite sure how your friend's brain is now working, what his expectations are, or whether they are the same, and whether his priorities are the same or have altered too. Where things may become truly awkward is when there is too much "taking for granted". That's the big enemy in any relation. So ask. Ask him to speak his mind. Don't get upset if it doesn't fit your thinking, but be honest too while striving to be polite. For one thing you were both from a different culture in the first place. So that can be a source of misunderstandings and estrangement.
Try to put him first or put things gently to him, as if suggesting. If you have your mind set on doing something particular, don't say: "I want to do such and such..." but maybe, "I was thinking of doing ..." which is a better way to invite him to do it with you if he wishes, but also gives him the chance to say he's not interested. Give him the opportunity to do his own thing too, giving someone the liberty to do something they'd like to do without necessarily being with them is also important. It's called personal space. I think maybe you both need to understand that concept, but you have to discuss how this can be implemented.
That will be all from me for the moment. I hope it's been useful to you.
Take care,
PA
to GaySpeak. I am your neighbour and live only a few miles away. If it can help, we might meet. My experience of life is similar to yours only my partner and I are much older. We've been together ten year this year and I look forward to every time he can be with me or I can be with him. Contrary to your situation we never get on each other's nerves but it could be 'old age' talking here, or maybe we are just very compatible.
My boyfriend teaches in England, I teach here in France (just the other side of the border) but I am the one with the stable situation. He's a musician and self-employed and money is not easy to come by with the financial crisis and his local situation. Still, he can't bring himself to come and live here for good, as he fears his French is not good enough to work and he doesn't know what he'd do for a living. I think he would easily find a job teaching English in the area as there is a high demand but that's not really his area of expertise, therefore I don't want him to be uncomfortable and regret leaving his professional skills behind and forfeit the renown that he's built for himself in his area of expertise in East Anglia. What's more, his family is in England, and although it's quite easy to go to and get back from the United Kingdom, that's one of the things he'd have to give up... This part is getting easier and easier as his kids are all grown up now and gradually all raising families of their own. So they don't have so much need of their dad, nor time for him.
So our relationship may sometimes seem a little strained but it always works out for the best when we are together again.
I am a patient man by nature, and I really love him, and I'm not interested in anyone else, so that part of my story is different. At our ages finding a partner that is just what we wanted gets slightly more difficult and the ''hunt'', if we can call it that, can be both frustrating and exhausting, not to mention scary.
Anyhow, what some of the other posters here have said makes some sense. A long distance relationship needs work and compromise from both parties and part of the work is planning. I think this has been key to us still being happily together after these ten years. Marshlander (my boyfriend) has decided that he's going to spend one week with me every month (more if he can afford it, if there's no pending work to be taken), generally it's the second week in the month, but sometimes even that careful planning doesn't quite work out. We make do.
We know that if we can't see each other for more than three weeks it's a strain, on the heart, on the emotions, on the loneliness and the yearning. Oh boy, we spend a lot of time yearning, I think. But I am a man of the world and I know that we can't spend our lives yearning. I gave him leave (and he gave me leave) to seek companionship with other men or another man, if he or I feel too lonely and find someone to share with. The only demand I made upon him was to keep me safe from infections if he did ''stray''. I am to do the same, but I know (or rather strongly suspect) that I won't stray. I think on his side he feels the same, and has no desire to stray, because, for one thing, he's happy to commit to this relationship. I think your boyfriend is happy to commit to you likewise, if I understand you well. It does bear some meaning and some value, I believe.
Now I can appreciate that because you've seen very little of each other in the past 14 months the golden aura of love is quickly becoming just a memory. A nice memory but it's just losing its tangibility. It's becoming more and more vague and less and less appealing, all the more so as the attraction of the golden aura seems to be making itself tangible in that new friend you've made in Geneva. You're not a monk, you're not a nun, you probably need to feel the warmth of a relationship, and this one's there just waiting to happen. What a temptation!
My idea is that it's also tempting to put all the pros and cons in the scales and to weigh them up. It looks as if the Geneva plate is beginning to weigh much heavier than the London plate. But have you put all the ingredients that are still on the table onto the scales?
I read somewhere that you can usually tell if a relationship is strong when you can put words on why you love someone; words meaning actions or adjectives, not the vague "I love him because I love him". Again, it's got to be tangible, in some way. Something like: I love him because he always makes me laugh. I love him because we can enjoy a romantic film together. I love him because he knows things about (...) that I don't know much about. I love him because he cooks my favourite dish, etc...
Actually, try doing this as if you were talking to him: I love you because you are ... because you (do such and such)... Apparently the more you can put words to these connections, the longer the relationship is likely to last.
This may all be hocus pocus but I believe it is true to some extent. If you can't find much to say about your relationship, then how can you make it exist, least of all from afar? Then, you can also try doing this for the new friend... Try putting words onto how he makes you feel about yourself, how he makes you feel about the connection you have.
If you come to the conclusion that, despite what your Italian boyfriend is ready to do for you and willing to ''give up'' for you, the new friendship / relationship is likely to bring you a better situation, a better emotional and sexual connection, a better chance at a happy life, then you have your answer, and I hope you'll manage to break up with your current boyfriend, maybe even keep him as just a friend. But it wouldn't be fair to string him along. The problem for you both is that you are still in the uncertainties of youth and of studentship or unemployment, and it's making things difficult for you both. You may end up choosing a solution that's just more convenient financially. That's life.
One last point, the discomfort you've been feeling towards your boyfriend when you have been together is normal, I assure you. When you are away for too long from a person you think you know, you realise that there's a lot that's happened that might disconnect you. As familiarity breeds contempt, or so they say, I think that unfamiliarity breeds caution. Losing your certainties can feel awkward. You can't be quite sure how your friend's brain is now working, what his expectations are, or whether they are the same, and whether his priorities are the same or have altered too. Where things may become truly awkward is when there is too much "taking for granted". That's the big enemy in any relation. So ask. Ask him to speak his mind. Don't get upset if it doesn't fit your thinking, but be honest too while striving to be polite. For one thing you were both from a different culture in the first place. So that can be a source of misunderstandings and estrangement.
Try to put him first or put things gently to him, as if suggesting. If you have your mind set on doing something particular, don't say: "I want to do such and such..." but maybe, "I was thinking of doing ..." which is a better way to invite him to do it with you if he wishes, but also gives him the chance to say he's not interested. Give him the opportunity to do his own thing too, giving someone the liberty to do something they'd like to do without necessarily being with them is also important. It's called personal space. I think maybe you both need to understand that concept, but you have to discuss how this can be implemented.
That will be all from me for the moment. I hope it's been useful to you.
Take care,
PA
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