Unsure about this guy...

[ChrisH]

Perhaps maybe it's just me, panicking and having a lot of stress with the holidays and all...but this is a really long post, so if you'll please bear with me here...(as it's also late here)

The longest relationship I've ever been in was 2 months, it began online, and it was just this last summer (starting in late July and ending in late September). It doesn't quite help that this relationship was also long distance, occurring over 300 miles apart, but basically, it was the best I've ever felt in a relationship - the excitement of there being someone out there that's actually interested in you. The only problem that began to rear its ugly head was trust. About mid September, this guy cheated on me - he confessed to it, no questions were ever asked, he just boom, laid it all out on the line. And it hurt, it took a couple days of thinking before I decided to give him a second chance. It didn't go well, though, as we had planned on moving in together in January. Now, the driving wedge that set us our separate ways was his family. He was out to everyone. Well, his sister felt it was better to snub the relationship, so he had his sister break us up over facebook, and confess that he cheated on me twice with the same guy - a guy that I'm assuming that he's still dating to this day. I had a tough time getting past it for about a month, until I began looking around locally - my classes in college, mostly.

Well, here it is, December, a few crappy dates later and now there's another guy. I haven't even began to date this guy (we met online), but my biggest issue right now is a lot of things about him - they all scream trouble. Now, I know that perhaps maybe there's some of us that aren't zodiac sign inclined, but I happen to let this push me around when it comes to relationships, and I love and hate it. This guy is a Cancer. I'm an Aries (and the last guy ^ was a Leo). Anyway, the new guy messaged me on a dating site earlier this month, and only since then have we gone through a lot of friction between each other (and I don't mean that in a pejorative way either). He's a rather...horny...guy (who among us aren't), but he decided he'd put down on paper that basically, sex is how he chooses his men, and I fought against that. Granted, I'm a big time hopeless romantic, and sex is definitely not the first thing on my mind when it comes to dating a guy for the first time. ( For the record, I'm still a virgin, never been kissed, never have done anything in any relationship I've ever been in, but I digress). We've met halfway on things, agreeing that if later dates do happen, other things could happen. The thing is, since he's no longer in state for the holidays (now over 600 miles away, instead of just 45), it's putting me through a lot of stress - his getting up late, and never texting me/replying to a simple "good morning" text until just hours before he calls it quits for the day. There are other things that are inhibiting his texting, but it's just...sort of a disappointment, as I was really expecting a little more. I'm probably over-reacting but I can't help it - it's the hopeless romantic in me.



I really don't know what answers I'm expecting here, though I just really don't know about anything - this guy, the last guy, or relationships in general. All I know is, a lot about this new guy is putting me through more than I've bargained for.

[ThatRobGuy]

Hi Chris,

I'm sorry to hear you're having a difficult time. I can relate to a lot of what you say here (talking to guys who are mostly interested in sex whereas I'm more into romance, being newer to dating, online dating, etc.).

First, I think the excitement of a new relationship is causing you to move too fast and develop feelings quicker than you should. To be honest, I wouldn't even consider the first guy a boyfriend; it sounds like an online relationship that just never really came to fruition. Never even kissed? That is not a boyfriend in my book. And you were going to move in together? After 2 months? This, to me, is moving too fast. I'm not trying to be critical so please don't be offended or take what I'm saying personally, this just doesn't sound like a normal situation.

As for the second guy, it sounds like he only agreed to meet you halfway in the hopes that you would just end up caving in and giving him some sexuals soon. Him not really responding to texts or taking time to communicate with you tells me that either a) he is playing games and is trying to get you to offer yourself up to him sexually with the hope of having him give more of himself to you or 2) all he wants is sex and isn't going to take the time to try to develop anything further with you because, ultimately, it's not his intention to take it further than sex. It doesn't sound like either of these scenarios is what you want. I could be wrong about him, but from my experience, when a guy is truly interested in you and not just your junk, you will know because he will be dying to talk to you, hang out with you, find out more about you as a person, etc.

I used to try to give guys the benefit of the doubt and really let things drag out longer than they should just because I was desperate for love and really wanted things to work out. It sounds like you may be similar, but you'll meet someone one day who will make you realize what true love is about and you'll wonder why you wasted so much time and energy on guys who weren't worth it.

I know it's tough now and you think you have strong feelings for these guys, but have patience, take things slow, and when the right one comes along, it will be well worth it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

When I was young (in my 20's) I made the mistake of ending a relationship the running into the next one nearly immediately.

What I learned - I'm a sick, codependent individual who can't seem to cope on his own. I also learned that running from relationship to relationship doesn't give me any time to process the full aspects of what went wrong.

The last couple three relationships I was in I took at least a year off. Granted that had mixed results, as the first 'wait then date' lead to a 6 months roller coaster ride. But the next wait and date lead to a 14 year relationship that was far, far better than previous relationships I had had. It wasn't perfect, but taking what I learned about myself from previous relationships and taking more care lead to one where I didn't end up in hospital with broken bones vast improvement).

You are 21 years of age. There really is no hurry to get into a new relationship. I would strongly suggest you wait until next September to get back into the dating pool.

During this year, spend time getting to know yourself. Figure out who you are as a single individual, figure out what it is you really need/want out of life.

While this doesn't mean you won't get involved with a douche - it will greatly reduce the chances as you will have a far better understanding of who you are and the type of people who are around you. Thus improving the odds that you will get settled into a long term healthy relationship.


Since this was a long distance relationship, perhaps the whole LD thing isn't your cup of tea...

Instead of focusing on everything HE did wrong, dig up what you did wrong and start working on that to see if you can make the next relationship better. We all make mistakes, is usually really hard to figure what those are.

It is sort of a self improvement thing .

[gilhooly]

I guess I must be old fashioned. I am 66 and every guy I ever loved was standing right next to me when I fell in love. I can't imagine how people can fall in love on the internet. I get interested some times in reading of problems gay guys have. At 66, I assume I have had every problem a gay guy or a straight guy could have. Been fired, moved, changed jobs, careers, friends, cities and attended a lot of funerals for gay guys. I even lived through the indignity of making quilts for gay guys long forgotten. I still remember friends who died in Vietnam. I can still feel the touch of their hand on me.

Maybe I am too old to understand sexuality which doesn't include guys lying down and sleeping in the nude together.

Try to follow Springsteen's advice and get a little more TOUCH in your life. Internet makes me think. It sure isn't better than memories of sexual intercourse with the guys I knew.

[pellaz]

... All I know is, a lot about this new guy is putting me through more than I've bargained for.

not all a bad thing.

[MisterTinkles]

Here's my thoughts....

Youre looking for "too much", "too fast".

Ok, youre a virgin, big deal. I was until I was about 28, so its not an uncommon thing....which most guys will lie about.

Apparently you are waiting for "the right guy" before you give yourself up to him. You will never find the right guy if you are trying to fast forward to a relationship status with some guy, which I what I am hearing in your post. This is just bad for everybody involved, and always ends up in misery.

If you are a TRUE romantic, then you need courtship first. You need to know the guy for a while before ANYTHING happens, which includes moving in together. Trying to rush things only scares most guys off, and the ones who stay are only looking to use you for their own purposes. And when they are through, they get rid of you. Apparently the first guy you had a relationship with saw your depseration and used it to his advantage. When he got tired of you, he cheated on you and then didnt even have the man balls to say anything to your face...he had his sister do it??? What a freeking pussy.

This new guy sounds like you have already tried the "rush job" on him and he's just not interested anymore.
Take your loses and just leave him alone.

You've got to take things slow. You've got to become friends first...if that works out, then you can talk about dating. If the dates work out, then you can talk about something more serious. Things like this take time. Maybe a year, maybe two, maybe five....who knows. But if you rush it, try to fast forward to the part you want to be in, you will only scare the good ones off and attract the users, abusers, losers, and players.

My personal opinion---
Take time off from seeking a relationship. Try to get to know who you are first. Get yourself centered and maybe learn to meditate. You've got to know who you are, how you work, what is good for you, and then once you understand yourself inside and out, then you can start on the road to finding the right guy for you.

[ChrisH]

Well, you guys are really helping me out (no seriously, you guys are).

First off, the last "relationship" I had was expected to last past September and it never did. (I forgot to mention this part). There are a few other factors that I believe were in play when it came crashing down.

Secondly, about the current guy...since it's the holidays, and he's got family time, and I have mine, he told me that he wasn't gonna be in touch for quite a while. At this rate, I don't see anything coming to fruition, and really, I'm just not that interested in him. Thing is, I probably won't tell him that for over a week.

As of New Years Eve, I am taking down my dating site profiles. I've really had enough of the "date-to-date" dating scene, moving way too fast, and not finding what I want - a healthy, long relationship. I'm not really into losing my virginity so fast, to me it's more a matter of just finding and waiting.

You guys are right though, nothing I've ever had has really been a "relationship"...and now that I see the bigger picture, because I know plenty of friends that have had boy/girl friends since at least high school...2 months ain't nothing. At all. It's just a guessing game that can't really be won. I think for 2013, it's probably best for me to do some self-discovery and preservation - finding out more about me, and let nothing change it. Eventually, the right guy will come along.

Cheers!

[James]

Hi Chris and welcome to GS, the glbtq center down here in Las Cruces has many people who get together just to enjoy each others company and do fun things together. You meet many like minded people of all ages. David is in charge of daily operations and is attempting to open more centers throughout New Mexico, google glbtq center Las Cruces for more info, Jim

[ChrisH]

So, an update:

I haven't spoken to the guy in over a week, and he hasn't bothered to text me or anything of that nature at all. I hate to leave without saying a word, but as much as it's happened to me, I do it to other guys.

Secondly, I've decided no more online dating. I've cleared out all my dating site profiles, deleted their respective smartphone apps and web browser bookmarks.

Thirdly, I'm starting 2013 on a fresh clean slate. Besides, I've got to my act together in other areas of my life. I turn 22 in four months, and college starts back up next week. Of all the problems I've created for myself this year, it's time to clean things up!

[Double007]

You deserve better! If someone doesn't have common courtesies then I'm not sure they are worth the time. if it's work in the beginning just think of how much work YOU will do to keep things going. I don't see a problem with internet dating or dating sites. I wouldn't delete anything. Get to know people online and not expect much from them.