Should I change the locks?

[stpdo2]

Sorry if this will be a rambling post, but any thoughts you want to share would be welcome. So my wife and I are in the process of separating. I keep the house since it's been mine since before I ever met her. Kids are also with me 5 nights a week since my wife's work doesn't allow her to get the kids to school in the morning and it's better for the kids to stay in the place they've always known as home.

My wife and I split up over me finally getting sick and tired of being her doormat. She was the taker in the relationship and I the giver who never really got anything in return (except 2 wonderful kids). Earlier this year I found out she was in love with her personal trainer and when I confronted her about it she claimed it was nothing, well things went on and she has gone out of her way to spend as much time as possible with her trainer including setting up a juice bar business in the place where he works and becoming a fitness instructor and teaching classes at the same gym. She has been cold and distant towards me ever since she met the guy and has been obviously just using me lately to help her set up her business (I'm very handy with construction and had my own small business years ago). I've tried to talk to her many times over the last several months about what is going on and when I suggested we seek couples therapy, she suggested we separate.

My parents think I should now change the locks since they don't trust her, and neither do I (it doesn't help that on Friday when I asked her to watch the kids at my house so I could go out with my friends, she got drunk while watching the kids then proceeded to go and pass out in my bed - I'm glad I got home early and didn't drink much at all). I also noticed text messages on her cell phone a couple times referring to her setting up times to go to the gun range with her trainer. I'm not sure she is really the type to be able to pull a gun on someone but she is very self destructive in her behavior, and I'm trying to look out for my kids.

If you're wondering why I'm on GS, now that I have emotionally separated myself from my wife, I decided to explore my feelings towards guys which have been there since at least my teenage years. Not sure if I'm gay, bi, whatever just trying to find myself.

Advice anyone?

[pellaz]

YES

put all the door locks into separate bags, take them to a local hardware store (home depot will not do them), its like $8.00/ keyway. on the front door install an electric lock with a separate combination for the children. update the garage door too.
done.

get on with your life. Avoid confrontations with the soon to be X, parents and children by keeping relationships limited. get a sitter or your parents if when you go out. have you filed papers yet?

[RayUSA]

By all means change the locks and get away from this person. Apparently she has no desire to try and salvage your relationship so a change is needed. As far as your sexuality goes..you know your own feelings. Whether you are bi, gay or whatever it should be a decision that makes you happy once more.

[James]

Rekey locks, if you get electric lock, be sure it has battery back-up in case of power failure, some brands stay locked when power fails. Gun range, I have surveilance camera's so I know who is there and who comes and goes, in my case so I know which of the young people I help decide to help themselves to my computer equipment, stereo, etc.
Probably not the time to experiment with your sexuality until things become more stable, plus if your kids are living with you come up with a plan to do this, tough time of year for this, but there is no good time, you can always come here for support or advice, Jim

[stpdo2]

Thanks everyone for weighing in, my house locks are now changed . We'll see if this causes a big fight, hopefully not. Now if only that woman would return my txt about when I can come get my kids from Grandma's house. Time to txt grandma as she actually is trustworthy...

[MisterTinkles]

Glad you got the locks changed.

And yes, anytime something like this happens, always immediately changed the locks on EVERYTHING!
This includes:
Home
Garage
Storage Units
LockBoxes (in a bank vault)
Vehicles
Vacation properties (ones in your name)
Lockers
Businesses
anything where both of you had access by key, card, or numeric electronic lock.


You also need to change bank account numbers, savings account numbers, PiNs, and other such accounts.

If you pay bills online, you need to change all of your passwords on all of your online accounts.....she might get the idea to have all your utlities turned off this way.

If you have any kind of joint account, I would go ahead and split it up now and then delete the account. This will save from further headache in the divorce (if there is one).

Also, if you have friends, family, and even if her granny would help out.....keep written, dated, and signed statements from anyone who has seen her with this trainer, getting drunk, or anything else that would back up your case for getting a divorce (if it comes to that). Unfortunately in this country, the laws are still geared towards the woman getting most everything, including the house.

I would speak with a lawyer right now to make sure you are made safe from her coming in and trying to take stuff away from you. Anything that was "joint" needs to be put in your name only....including anything dealing with the kids - health insurance, life insurance, Wills, school, etc.....

The more prepared you are now, the less chance she has later of trying to take everything out from under you.

[Rainbowmum]

100% yes , change the locks and find a reliable sitter for your children.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

So her life is falling apart, has become unmanageable and you wish to punish her for that?

I get a feeling there is a lot more to this story... Her behaviors are not taking place in a vacuum, meaning you most likely did something as well to help things along.

After all you were with her and loved her enough to procreate - then something went wrong. Then something else went wrong until now she feels that alcohol is the best solution.

The fact that now you are free to explore your other until now 'hidden' desires tells me that maybe your desires were not so well hidden, she most likely picked up on your not being 100% there for her and acted out. Granted her acting out didn't fix things or make things better, but then humans rarely do the right thing when they are reacting instead of living in the world of pure logic.

Couple's therapy most likely should have been brought up years ago. Now that you are separated and there is a lot of water under than burning bridge suggesting couple's counseling may be more of a slap in the face.

A (one) affair is really not a big deal. It is a large clue that the marriage isn't satisfying, but its not like she was out having sex with hundreds of men over the course of the whole marriage. I have to wonder at how strained it was in the household to make a trainer look like a good deal. Again, nothing happens in a vacuum.

Of course your parents are going to say they don't trust her. She hurt their baby. So yeah they will defend your side and get all crazy about how much defense should be there. What does the third impartial parties who know both you and her as people say?


It sounds to be you opted for 'Ugly divorce'. Ugly divorce is the wrong way to go, but you already made a few choices which as set you on a really terrible path which is going to get far worse.

They say hell hath no fury as a woman scorned - guess what, your changing the locks scorns her a lot more than anything you can say with your mouth.

IF she was just using you, instead of doing the traditional long held thing of man takes care of woman notion that is still held sacred by many in the 21st century, what makes you think that she will easily let you go?

If she is just a user, then you can be certain that your being here on GS will not go unnoticed and your 'mixed emotions' on your sexuality will come out and become a talking point at the divorce and custody hearing. It will be brutal, anything you have ever done in your whole life will suddenly be dug up and its carcass will be put on display.

She is a mother. Men don't get the whole mother offspring tie that exists. Simply because a man can't carry a child inside of him for 9 months.

By changing the locks you dared to tell her she can't see her kids ever again. Yes I know you logically come up with ways for her to see the kids, but that is not how she will read this action. You are dealing with the maternal instinct - it isn't logical and when it comes to kids it doesn't listen to reason.

Even women who hate their offspring with all of their heart will see the offspring as a weapon to emasculate their ex. You basically told her by changing the locks that 'hey the kids can be used as a weapon'.

The picture of stability you paint of this woman, if true, is a dire warning of how ugly the divorce and the custody battle will be.

Instead of coming to a forum on the internet to resolve these sorts of questions, you need to get a lawyer. Let him deal with telling her what is going on and use him as a shield of the shit storm of hatred and womanly fury that will be unleashed. Most of her anger will be directed at him, which will save you and the kids from a lot of horrors that are coming.

[stpdo2]

I appreciate the concern and advice. Thankfully there is a prenup in place and I only want what is specified in the prenup as mine and from a practicality standpoint she cannot get the kids to school in the mornings due to her work schedule so I will do so, which is what I've been doing all along. Like I said the house was mine before we ever met, she's actually the one who wanted a prenup as she has some significant financial assets that I make no claim to, I only am claiming my house, my retirement accounts, my personal possessions (mostly tools and some furniture that was in the house before I met her). I've already told her she can have the timeshare we purchased together, but she wants to share it so we both can vacation with the kids. I've also agreed to pay her back for the car I drive (thankfully a cheap old car, she has a fancy Range Rover that I didn't agree with the wisdom of her buying but I digress) We also never joined finances so that part is easy.

Things had been rocky for at least the past 4 year and she had been diagnosed with clinical depression many years ago. I was always there for her during her roughest times, and I tried to work things out with her and wanted couples therapy years ago but she never did. I actually lost a very good job over the absences I had to have to take care of her. I'm sure I wasn't everything she wanted in a husband, I didn't treat her like the queen of the house, I treated her as an equal partner and only expected the same in return but she is a my way or the highway type and I was the first person in her life to ever tell her no with regularity when she was out of line (in my opinion out of line, I'm sure her side of the story sounds different). I probably also wasn't as passionate in bed with her as she wanted, but she reads a lot of steamy romance novels and then expected me to live up to what she'd read and fantasized about however she never told me what she'd read and expected and wanted. She never wanted to have a deep conversation about anything personal, heck she never was even willing to talk about household budget, 7 years of marriage and she still never agreed to set up a household budget we each could agree to (I even begged her a couple times to just write up whatever she wanted and I would go along with it but she refused to lift a finger to do so).

I know her side of the story will sound different there are always two sides to every coin, my deciding to be more open and free with my sexual feelings is something I never planned to do. I don't doubt that it may have made me less interested at times, but I truly did love her and was very sexually attracted to her when I wasn't PO'd at her for treating me terribly and dumping everything on me and then blaming me for not getting everything done without any help from her (there were so many times I felt like Hercules cleaning those terrible horse stalls). I believe in being true to a partner to the end and that is what kept me in the relationship even when I knew it didn't feel right to me. She is the one who has brought up divorce and separation many times over the past several years, this was just the first time I didn't go crying back to her saying I'll change to keep things going. She never offered to meet me halfway, according to what I heard her say I was always at fault for everything which if you know me, I would never try to screw anyone over and I really try with all my being to always do the right thing by other people. I don't harbor ill will towards anyone, not even my wife despite the failure of our relationship.

The trainer was sadly not the only potential infidelity on her part, I found out she had been regularly visiting a cheaters website (ashleymadison) over the summer as well. I tried get her to agree to couples therapy at that time as well, but she didn't want to go there. All along we did have a decent sex life, once to twice a week, sometimes only a couple times a month but with two small kids trying to find time when you both aren't dead tired and the kids are asleep so you can have fun can be really challenging. The times she complained about lack of frequency I always tried to step up my game. She however did effectively end our sex life by going on an acne medication that she says required me to have to wear latex condoms due to the risk of serious birth defects if pregnancy occurred while on this medication. While I have no issue with condoms, that part of me gets an uncomfortable burning sensation when surrounded by latex (other types are not a problem). She insisted it had to be the type that made it only pain for me instead of pleasure and refused to talk to her dermatologist about if other materials would be ok. This wasn't a new thing, I developed sensitivity to latex over a year ago and we'd just switched to non latex as a result, hadn't been a big deal. I even asked her to talk to her dermatologist and she chose no sex over having to talk about it with her Dr.

There are many more issues than I care to put myself through the pain of remembering, but her drinking regularly also only started after she met her trainer. Before that she would sometimes get sloshed at family holidays, but never drinking and driving and never drinking alone, but that all changed post meeting that guy. I did try to talk to her about that each time a big incident happened as well, but again she never was one to open up much. So I dunno, but I think I did the right thing by changing the locks, it will force us to have to work out property details, otherwise she would probably just try to sneak in while I'm at work and just take anything she wanted to without us agreeing on equitable division. She already tried that once this past week and was surprised and very sheepish when she came over, let herself in only to find out I was working from home that day instead of in the office.

I truly hope everyone else's life is less soap opera-ey than mine. I know I tried with everything I've got to make my marriage work, especially for the kids' sake but some things just don't work out.

[Pix]

Can't hurt, but she doesn't sound dangerous. But the relationship is definitely over.

I mean I'd change locks if in your shoes, but only because I'm a big believer in an ounce of prevention over a pound of cure, not because I was actually scared for my safety or worrying I was going to be robbed blind. That said any favors I did for her business would come with a bill.