Anxiety, Depression..total mess

[Caraway]

Hi everyone
Sorry if that‘s filled with too much drama
Folks, I just don't know where to start because right now my life is a total mess.I really need to meet another gay to talk with, I mean I don't search for a relationship I just need a friend who is gay..maybe I was going to post this thread in the section for meetings but I want to say so many things...
First, nobody truly knows that I'm gay (only some people know that I had interest in boys). Despite that I want to say that I'm not depressed at all from the fact that I'm gay and the fact that I'm hiding It.It's exactly the opposite - I feel perfect as a gay and I'm hiding It because this gives me tons of advantages.Besides, I can communicate with straight guys with absolutely no problem and they have no clue for my sexuality.In fact recently I realized that I can form a much better friendship with boys than with girls.By the way I also realized that men are much more tolerant to gays than I thought before and I have the feeling that even if I tell this to 1 or 2 of my friends they won't mind it.BUT...
That‘s not the problem.4 months ago I left my country and started to study in Scotland (however currently I'm home for Christmas).2 weeks before I departed my nightmare with anxiety and panic attacks started.I won't go into details because if I do I'll have to spare too much space in writing.I‘ll just say that currently I‘m undergoing a therapy with a psychiatrist but at least for now I don‘t find It helpful at all.The problem is that I just lost the person who I was becoming before this nightmare appeared.The point before these 4 months was the point when I really thought that I have managed to handle my life properly.I felt like I was on top!I just had got rid off my social phobia, I just started to make tons of friends, I really started to like myself and I was just going to start to do some sport and many other things which finally made me feel like a person who is proud with himself.Then suddenly my whole internal universe collapsed.I‘m afraid to go to a party or to a club because I think that I may have a panic attack.I‘m constantly anxious about my health, I‘m constantly analysing myself and who I am, I‘m getting so depressed because as I already mention – I lost the track, I lost the person who I was becoming.In Scotland I met people from my country who have the chance to become the best friends that I ever had.I‘m so afraid because thanks to my anxiety I may lose them, I can‘t go out or get drunk with them that easy because of my stupid panic attacks and besides I have tons of other mundane problems that prevent me from that as well but if I was ok I was going to be able to manage them.

And (seriously I can‘t believe that) on top of everything I went crazy about one of those guys.It‘s like everything else was not enough but now I have to manage with such kind of feelings as well.The boy in question is not only my type as an object of sexual or love interest but he is the type of guy that perfectly matches with me as a person.And the problem is that he really likes me from that point of view, he is constantly calling and searching for me – damn, he is always around me.I just ‘‘loved‘‘ the parts when I was in my room and all of a sudden he appeared with ideas like ‘‘Hey, come with me to change all my clothes and take a shower and after that We can watch movies through the whole night‘‘.Together with his hot and muscled body, these kinds of things were just ‘‘perfect‘‘ for my 19 years old virginity and my furious anxiety.Besides, I have the feeling that he is one of those guys that can turn you gay even if You are not.He always comes up with those flirty gay jokes and I don‘t want to mention those dirty little things that he does with one of his buddies when they get enormously drunk.Once, I don‘t know how he even managed to affect a particular fetish of mine with his behavior (and a dirty smile on top of it!). He has a girlfriend but the poor girl has no idea about the things that he talks about her neither for the many times he has cheated.
I was going to be able to prevent such kind of feelings if he was just a random hot lad that I met somewhere but as I already mention – that guy does not leave me alone and he has so much trust in me as a friend.I want to think that he is bi but I don‘t want to fall in the wrong perception and get hurt after that.Besides, I can handle the fact if he is 100% straight but I‘ll go crazy if I lose that pal either because of my anxiety or my sexuality.

I know that I‘m a person who is able to manage his life in the right way despite this enormous mess that currently surrounds me but I need support from someone who is from my own ‘‘species‘‘.I mean, I need to talk from the gay point of view .There‘s no one with whom I can talk in depth about things like that guy for example and maybe it was going to be a bit more ok if my anxiety and panic attacks weren‘t part of the whole picture.I want to get back in the track again before its too late.I don‘t want to lose friends, I don‘t want to be alone because I know that I can become something really special both from the inside and the outside.I don‘t want to mention all the problems that I had in my childhood but the therapist said that He can‘t believe how after all those things I‘m alive and I haven‘t committed a suicide.By the way that‘s why I‘m always inclined to support others and their problems because I really know the true meaning of words like rejection, fear and anxiety.

[Rainbowmum]

Hello and

Breath ! Feel better?:biggrin:

I am sure you will make plenty of friends here.

As for your therapy , you will only get out of it the effort you put into it.
Tell your therapist what you would like to work on first, what is really bothering you and is your number one priority .

I am not a professional but your mood swings , the dizzying highs and the devastating lows ,sound pretty manic to me , and that really needs to be brought under control.

We are all here for you , I am sure you will find support and friendship here.

[AquarianDragon]

Welcome to the forum Caraway, I hear you, and realise your situation is difficult. Keep going with your therapist, it seems you have covered a lot, and that is quite a breakthrough. Be kind to yourself, and know there are others here who do understand.

[pellaz]

Welcome to GS
Hold off, take it easy, because the holidays is always a rough time for the anxiety, depression.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi Caraway and to the forum.

You've mentioned that the panic attacks seem to be the route of the problems your having right now.

Have you been able to identify when and where they first happened, or what triggers them?

ObW
x

[flashbang89]

Welcome to my world , anixiety/panic attacks, depresstion, delexliya, and bi~polor. Bi-polor being worst with server manic epitsodes which led to incease sex drive and implulse sexual actives that Iater regert.

[Caraway]

Thank You for the warm welcome guys

Regarding the thing about the mood - yes my mood swings like hell so flashbang89 I'm also slightly bipolar but the therapist said that We'll try to handle that before it starts getting worse because It already gets.. at least I'm not the only one
The problem with the therapy is that I can't speak that freely about my problems.. first I still have something left from the social phobia and second my therapist is a man so you know how I feel like when I start to talk about my sexuality and such things...it's really hard to put the effort in such case..I mean when I sit on the chair the doctor is like ''Ok, so what's the problem now?'' and I can't simply burst into tears explaining how miserable my life seems and how desperate for friends I am (despite that on a first sight it looks like I'm the most social person in the world..

OlderButWiser, It usually happens when I'm on large boulevards or streets or in big rooms or halls with many people inside..It also happens when I work in the laboratory which is making me really angry because I'm one of those science maniacs and I'm crazy about chemistry and biology...

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Finding the right therapist is akin to finding the right partner.

I have connected spot on with a few of my therapists and things went real well (and fast). Then there were the few therapists which nothing was accomplished because we didn't have chemistry.

If this therapist isn't working out for you, well there are plenty fish and therapists in the sea.

Perhaps a woman would be easier for you to deal with in therapy. Most of the woman therapists I have had have been pretty cool about a lot of stuff, and it was far easier to relate with me (and I on them) when it comes to the subject of men being pigs - or whatever

As for this guy. I see a lot of warning signs here. The big one is his willingness to trash his current relationship. Seriously if he is willing to hurt her like that, what makes you think he won't hurt you?

I have been around the block and have met many personality types... he sounds like a couple of guys I knew who knew that they were hot stuff (physically) and used that to their advantage to get whatever they wanted. Unfortunately such egos rarely take into account that the human beings they are sucking the life blood out of also have needs.

Sounds to me like a guy I once dated... While they look and talk a good thing, the reality is what they really offer is heartbreak and horrors. That social anxiety around him may actually be your brain screaming 'RUN!'...

There are many sites out there that discuss tips on how to 'deal with' or work through a panic attack. Such as this one: http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/tips-to...ack/all/1/ Do you apply any of these techniques to your life?

If not you may want to start and find the combination of things you can do to take the sting out of panic attacks.

There are also many herbal remedies that can be pulled in here. Aroma therapy may work for you, lots of interesting things that actually work that your MD will not prescribe.

http://curepanicattacks.hubpages.com/hub...al-Methods Gives some solid advice, such as satay away from caffeine and sugar. Caffeine is a 'natural' high - it acts very much like chemical uppers, but then it is a chemical.

Finding what works for you may require a bit of time. I know what works for me to deal with my 'crap' - but I have 46 years under my belt and decades of experimentation which included such things as lots of meth and oceans of alcohol (clue, those didn't work out too well).

I have no idea how proactive you are with your conditions. If you haven't done much individual study you may want to hit the net or the library and start researching. Even getting a better understanding of what you have and what it does can go a long way of making it manageable.

Welcome to the Board

[Caraway]

Bowyn Aerrow, thank You for the helpful post

Since you mention aromatherapy - I think that may work pretty well because my nose is quite sensitive and I'm crazy about nice smelling stuff.

And as you mention alcohol and drugs...please don't hate me but the last 2 years of my life were spent in smoking pot almost 10 to 15 times a day (thought I smoke this shit from 5 years), the last 5 years were spent in getting drunk (usually with rum) on a relatively regular basis and the last 1 and a half year included occasional use of amphetamines which I never liked but You may guess what happens when You go out in the club...I don't mention the hallucinogens and things like that..

About the guy - haha, I was sure that it was going to look like he is some kind of jerk I don't want to sound like someone super naive but I trust him for few reasons - The things that he does and talks about his girlfriend are not different from those in the case of many other of my straight friends.I mean that all of them largely distinguish the friendship from the relationship and show much more trust in their friends than in their girlfriends.I observe him in the company of the mates and his behavior towards them is not different from the one towards me, he is constantly searching for me maybe because he simply likes me in the same way as he likes them and is trying to get known with me.As I already mention, unless the eye is experienced You can hardly tell that I'm gay .By the way, I think I like him so much because he is so fucking intelligent and up until know (don't ask me why but sadly) I rarely had the chance to communicate with such people and now I'm surrounded by them..

All in all I don't think that he feels something different from friendship towards me, but that doesn't reject the fact that there is a gay inside him (the power of the gaydar folks... ) which only makes the situation worse...

Oh my..I talk too much about him guys, I'm such an idiot Please, kill me if I'm talking too much I think that it's time for me to have a chit chat with the big bad lesbian from my course but I'm not quite sure how she'll react or will I be able to trust her...