trying to decide if I should end it

[rover330]

Well, it never hurts to get objective opinions, so here goes. I'll try to make it brief. :-)

I have been with B for 7 months now. He lives about 40 miles from me which is more or less a 30 minute drive. He's 40, I'm 47. He lives at home, but has lived on his own in the past.

I had previously posted a thread called "Mama" in which I talked about a situation where, for whatever reason, divorce, death, etc., Mom becomes single yet still wants to have a man around the house. This usually winds up being one of the sons. My last relationship of 5 years ended when his mother finally succeeded in breaking us up, having her son move in with her (he's 40 as well and sees nothing at all odd with being with Mom 24/7, her coming along on dates, showing up every morning at 10 am to have coffee) She finally succeeded. They now live together and are very happy.

The thing is, when she dies, he's going to be in his 60s, alone, when he could have cut the apron strings a long time ago and been in a happy relationship. His loss.

With B, I know she wants to have him at home to do things like yard work, snow shovelling, etc., but the woman has more than enough money to hire others to do this.

My problem is twofold. One, I only get to see him once a week, sometimes for one night, sometimes for 2. I think the reason is either that he's not going to be allowed any more than that; his mother resents that one or 2 nights as it is. I feel like asking her, "Mrs. X, can B come out and play?" That's the easy one for me to deal with. The other possibility is that he doesn't love me like I love him and doesn't miss me like I do him.

I really need a lot more than that, ya'll. My lease is up in my little efficiency on May 31st. At that point if we're still together and still in love, I wanted to move in together.

I've tried *really* hard not to pressure him on this. I guess the straw that broke the camel's back was, I got really, really sick this past weekend. To the point where I got up from a chair too fast and passed out. I was alone, scared, and needed someone, anyone, here desperately. My friends are pretty much out of town for the holidays. My cell phone decided to pick Saturday to die, he has a smartphone with an app that supposedly if I yahoo message him it comes up as a text on his phone. I kept texting him, hey man, I need to go to the hospital (I don't own a vehicle guys), I'm afraid if I fall again I'll hit my head. No response. Finally Sunday night I got a message "you feeling any better?" so I know he got them. But I needed him and he wasn't there. If it would have been him sick, I would have moved heaven and earth to be with him, if nothing else, so he wouldn't feel alone and scared.

Now here I sit on Christmas Day alone while he is with his family. No problem with that. But I know he's off tomorrow and Friday, and he's saying he's not going to be up until Friday.

I don't mean to be needy, but, this is not going to work for me. I'm seriously thinking Friday when he comes, I'm going to calmly and rationally tell him how I feel, and break up with him.

Apologies for it being so lengthy and complex. Any thoughts or observations would be greatly appreciated.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

I'm going to be brutal here, brace yourself.

If B cant take the time out to be with you on Christmas day, after 7 months together, then Im afraid his priorities lie elsewhere.

You need to look for someone who is willing to commit, and to give you what you need in a relationship. You're clearly not getting that with B, and its a situation that could go on for a very long time, leading to more resentment on your side which does not bode well for the relationship.

Good Luck.

ObW
x

[ThatRobGuy]

Hi rover,

Sorry to hear you're having a rough time with this relationship.

Based on the information you've provided, it just doesn't sound like he feels as deeply for you as you do for him. Maybe in the future, he would feel differently, but who knows? After 7 months, he probably isn't changing his approach to you/the relationship.

From my experience, if he's not giving you the attention and affection you need at this point, it's highly unlikely he will in the future.

Perhaps finding a man who doesn't live with his mother would be a good starting point for future relationships?

Best of luck! I believe there's someone out there for everyone and I'm sure you'll find a guy who will be as loving and attentive as you need.

[SolemnBoy]

Okay! First of all, sorry for everything that's happened.

Secondly, there are loads of reason for you to ignore any advice I could give because

1. My age
2. I only know the situation based on how you described it.

Anyways, given his current situation of living with his mom who limits his spare time even though he's grown up and should be allowed to do as he pleases, I kind of get the feeling that it wouldn't work out very well. Furthermore, he did see your messages that conveyed how worried and sick you were yet didn't respond until much later in a pretty nonchalant tone.

My advice based on that would be to end it, however before making that decision, you should probably confront him about everything and get his own perspective on things. I would personally more or less demand that he'd stop his mother from influencing his life so much but that's up to you I guess. Anyways good luck!

[MisterTinkles]

I surely hope you are much better now! I too have been so sick before, I have gotten up to go throw up in the bathroom, only to wake up on the floor later, with a busted lip and broken teeth! Its not fun being alone, but sometimes its something you have to do. Ive been alone pretty much all of my life, and Ive learned how to deal with things on my own. But now Im getting older, I find sometimes I cant do it all alone anymore, which scares me. Over the past few years, Ive pretty much come to terms with it all...well, you know....if it kills me, it kills me, nothing I can really do about it. But thats me.


Someone else posted some "brutal truth"............here is some more--

Mommas Boys - I can sum it up in one word = DANGEROUS!

I cant stand mommas boys! As far as other people are concerned.....they are UNreliable, UNethical, UNcaring, UNfeeling, and UNresponsive.

The umbilical cord was never cut, in fact, it was bronzed and plated with titanium and gold.

Mommas Boys are more untrustworthy than the most evil of all criminal gang lords. Momma OWNS them, lock, stock, and soul. What MOMMA says, MOMMA gets.

Its one thing for a man to be friends with his parents, its another to be a brainwashed 5 year old in a grown mans body.

Mommas Boys for friends is one thing....you know what to expect, you know how to handle situations.
Mommas Boys for lovers or lifemates....well, you're just asking to be stabbed in the heart AND in the back.

If he didnt give a shit enough to even text you back saying he called an ambulance for you, then I wouldnt even bother to waste anymore time on him. PERIOD.

Change the phone number and change the locks. Dont answer the door, which Im sure you wont need to worry about anyway, cause he will probably never show up again. Dont answer texts, dont answer mail, email, or anything else from him. He isnt worth your time, so dont waste it on him.

Beware of Mommas Boys, most of them are brainwashed and harmless, if you know who you are dealing with....while others can be life sucking vampires. They cant say NO to mommy, so they have to make everybody else pay for thier inadequacies for not having any balls to grow up.

[rover330]

please don't hesitate to be brutally honest. I need to hear it and I appreciate it.

another thing that could be potentially another nail in the coffin... I found myself in Kentucky about 8 years ago because of family and because I had pretty much had a nervous breakdown when my little brother died in Texas - I was living in Austin at the time. I needed my family to take care of me until I got better. wound up being in a relationship which ended. so, I was ready to start saving again to leave.

I hate it here. It is the buckle of the Bible belt... when you meet someone here, after you tell them your name, the next question is, "which church do you go to?" 90% of the gay people I've met here are terrifying closeted afraid they will lose their jobs, their families will ostracize them, or both. There is no gay bar in a city of 28,000 people. No community center. No support. It is very conservative here; the 'N' word is not really frowned upon. Obama is HATED.

I have been saving to relocate to a more liberal place, I grew up in Detroit and Ann Arbor and this is a small town to me. There's not a whole hell of a lot to do.

I explained this to B, and he said, well, I'm never going to leave western Kentucky. My family is here.

I was going to stay, as someone mentioned in a previous post, I'm pushing 50 and I don't do well single; I'm at my best when I'm coupled. I was going to stay here just to be with him.

But not for one night a week when he lives 30 minutes away. That's bs.

I haven't felt this way about a guy for a good 20 years. I really, really love him. The sex is mind blowing. When we get together, we talk all night. We have a lot in common.

But I don't think I would want to wait until his Mama passes to leave the Bible Belt. He has two other adult siblings who are perfectly capable of taking care of Mama, they all live in the same town. Another aside - his sister lived at home until she was 38, finally got an apartment, but never spends any time there. When she's not at work, she's at Mama's place. I don't even know why she bothered to get an apartment.

[rover330]

to be fair, I asked him once, when my lease is up in May, did he think we should consider cohabitating. His answer was, 'we'd have to get a bigger place'. that's not really a no.

[megumidesu]

His answer was, 'we'd have to get a bigger place'. that's not really a no.

maybe he wants his mom to move in with you , too ...

[MisterTinkles]

maybe he wants his mom to move in with you , too ...

My thoughts exactly....."we'd" pertaining to him and his momma.

[MisterTinkles]

Wow, ok, Kentucky. Well, Im in Texas, and from whats happened in your past in this state I doubt its an option. Have had friends in similar circumstances, raising fists and shouting to never set foot in this state ever again.

Hmmm, well, all I can say is what Ive said. Mommas Boys are dangerous.

For me sex isnt even on the top 10 list when it comes to a serious relationship. I find stability, mental capacity, knowlegde, manners, empathy, and understanding to be the foremost important things in a man and/or relationship. Yes, Im picky, but I know who I am and what I will and will not accept. I dont settle when it comes to things of this nature (not that you are).

Some of the things you've stated pretty much puts my other post to shame, since I mentioned some of those things. EEK

All I can say is, be true to you, dont get talked into anything and follow your instincts and common sense.