Should I Move On or Hold Out

[kevinswanson22]

I've been dating N... for about 3 years now. I am 21 years old and just graduated UCLA with a Bachelors in Education. I have a great full time job that pays a lot of money. He is 23 and is a Manager for a Retail Store. We both moved into a Condo in September 2012. I love him very much, but sometimes I feel like he doesn't love me as much as I love him.

I am out to my friends and family and so is he. All of my family accepts us together as a gay couple. His family does too, except his grandparents. They hate Gay people, except him of course. His Parents, Brother and Sister all love me. But the issue is, he prefers to spend time with his family rather than with me at times. Especially during the Holidays. In the past we lived apart so I understood if he wanted to celebrate the holidays with his Grandparents. Since I lived 30 miles away, it never bothered me. But now that we live together he wants to do all the Holidays with his family and Im not allowed at his grandparents house. Plus his older brother and his girlfriend have moved in with his grandparents making that house the center of attention for family events. I am always excluded in BBQs, Dinners, Thanksgiving, Christmas etc. I feel like Im not part of the family and his sister who has boyfriends every other month is welcomed with open arms.

His Excuse is, that his grandparents are 84 years old and might die. SO I understand that he wants to spend time with them before they pass. So i asked him if he we can split the holidays with both our families and he says NO. His reason was, that my family sees me every holiday and if he goes to my parents house with me. Then his family wont get to see him on that certain Holiday. I think what hurts the most is the upcoming New Years, they all rented out a Cabin at a Ski Resort and he has already booked tickets for himself and his family. His brother and parents are all taking about it on FB. So I asked him if we were really going to spend the New Years Apart and he replied. "My grandparents are coming so you can't come."

Im really tired of coming home to an Empty condo, and realizing he is at his grandparents house having dinner or hanging out with his brother over there. He has me on the phone when he is over there and it kind of hurts when he is laughing and having fun. I have talked to him about it, but he never wants to talk and rubs it off with a joke. My question is, should I stick it out or should I give him a Ultimatum of where I stand in his life? We are very happy when we are together, but I feel like he loves his family more? I am wrong to think like this?

[Rainbowmum]

I am so sorry this is happening to you.

I know you are really hurt by this and I do not blame you ,what you are feeling is totally justified.
No one likes to feel rejected, but know one likes ultimatums either.

Perhaps it is time to come to compromise meet in the middle
A lot of couples have separate holidays when family is involved, it's not a new thing.
But more than that you really need to sit down and explain to him that you feel rejected and hurt , time to take the bull by the horns .

We are all here for you.

[Blue]

While I would love to have a cool family to spend holidays with, I don't unless I have a partner that has such a family.

Now just me, but if my partner were not welcome, then no matter who they were, I would not visit their home, nor allow them in mine for any reason but, that's me. Now if I were invited and chose not to go, that's different, then it's simply my choice for whatever reasons.

I do understand him wanting to see his family but, there should be a middle ground. Okay so they might get Thanksgiving, Christmas and, New Years but you should be included in at leas one of those, no matter where it is and, you get all of the lesser holidays the rest of the year since his family gets the big ones. At least that's what I would want in that situation.

Talk to him, be honest and, ask him to do the same, then decide form there if you stick it out or not.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I would tell him point blank that he is hurting me (you).

I am not known for being diplomatic, so I would also remind him that eventually those old people are going to die (most likely slow agonizing, humiliating deaths) and then he is going to want to spend that time with me, but alas I already moved on and no longer want to spend time with him.

He isn't thinking long term (definitely) and he really isn't considering your feelings. If he can't manage to think of you for the holidays, what is he really thinking about the rest of the year?

Confront him - how ever works for you. Tell him point blank 'your hurting me, stop it.'

[azulai]

A couple of things:
1- I don't think he has transitioned from living apart/dating mode to living together/sharing a life. Maybe that is a point of discussion you could have where you could then include your expections for family get-togethers. If you are partners priorities should be shifting from family to you.

2- Some grandparents give nice monetary gifts at holidays and maybe he would rather not be cut off. :tongue: Did his grandparents pay for any of his education or something where he feels playing along with their bigotry is worth it? Also while you say members of his family accept you they aren't willing to cause any upset to these grandparents and treat you respectfully. It just seems like no one has fully accepted their son/brother's homosexuality.

3- There is no guarantee that you will make it to 22. Life is short. What about making special holiday memories with you? I think he is immature in his understanding of love and mortality. The fact that he "rubs it off as a joke" is so disrespectful I can't help but think there are other incidences in your relationship where he treats your feelings in the same manner.

To answer your question, I would spend some time over New Years and soul search what I want and how I want to be treated by my partner. Then I would talk to him when he gets back about the decisions I'VE made. Sometimes you have to tear down and rebuild something better. He has to grow into your relationship. There is just too much selfishness in his actions. If he doesn't grow, then I would walk away.

Best wishes.

[pellaz]

wait till after the holidays
the grand parents might live another 5-7 years but serious if they hate gay people what good are they. that sounds callous but is not really.

[Geminize]

Kevin, you and your boyfriend are in a tough situation. You are by no means wrong to think and feel the way you do about it. Ultimatums are rarely good tools for a healthy relationship, however. I encourage you to continue talking and work together on a compromise.

It sounds as though family, including his grandparents, is very important to your boyfriend. Don't ask him to change that. It's part of who he is. It's also obvious that you feel left out of his holidays, and that is completely understandable. I would feel the same.

I'm hoping you can find a way to communicate how hurt (rejected, angry, whatever) you feel by the situation, without blaming him. Let him know that it's not working for you and you want to work on a solution together. He may feel torn, and uncomfortable talking about it. Be prepared to compromise, and ask the same from him.Get as creative as possible.

Could you get a room at the same resort at New Years and he spend part of the time with you? (Not ideal, I know, but something.) Can you set up your own personal "holiday" when the two of you have a special trip and celebration? Maybe your birthday? I know it's not the same as being included in his family, but you have to start somewhere. I wish you the best!

[2345434]

The way I see this is that your boyfriend is disrespecting you by continuing to associate with these people at all, let alone that he sees them alone on the holidays. They apparently hate who you are so much that they refuse to allow you into their home under any circumstances; their bigotry and ignorance shouldn't be excused just because they may or may not be close to death. Think about it this way, if you put a heterosexual couple into the same situation and the grandparents of the man didn't approve of his wife for whatever reason and hence refused to allow her into their home, do you think she'd tolerate that whatsoever? Hell no, nine times out of ten in a situation like that the woman would dump the man (or vice versa, if you reverse the situation) with no questions asked. You owe it to yourself and your dignity not to put up with this. If your boyfriend truly values and is committed to you, he'll put you before a couple of decrepit homophobes.