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Give Bad Advice
Pee into your mouth and recycle that water.

Some people need to get their heads smashed on a wall.
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Those people, walk up to them and compliment them, and give them a large sum of money.

It's approaching 3am and I am not asleep.
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Drink lots of coffee, the water content should help you nod off.

I'm lazy today.
Gossip is the Devil’s telephone; best just to hang up.
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move to the sofa

I have a cold and cough
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So do I, I think we should both go round coughing and spluttering over everyone.

The sun is out, but I am yet to leave my bed.
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Sleep all day then wake up tonight.

I bought things I shouldn't have.
Gossip is the Devil’s telephone; best just to hang up.
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Take them back and don't get a refund.

My lips are chapped and sore
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Put them in the freezer.

I'm hot and bothered
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Put all of your clothes on, and turn your fan off.

I was wondering why I was hungry, and have just realised I have only eat two meals today.
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Reduce that to one.

My back is wet
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