Still uncomfortable in my own skin..

[Tyrion]

So this is my deal. I'm 28 years old, and have been in denial about being gay for most of my life. About 3 years ago.. I finally accepted the fact, and felt okay about it. Before that, I had always supported gay rights and had a huge amount of respect for lgbt.. even though at the time, I had completely denied the idea of myself being gay.. even though it was completely obvious (I've never been attracted to females, ever).

That said.. I'm now hoping to date.. and would love to find a boyfriend.. but I still feel really uncomfortable with myself. For instance.. I see gay couples.. and envy them.. but when I think of myself being with another man.. I feel sort of embarrassed. I mean, it's what I want, but toward friends and family.. I feel ashamed, and still haven't come out to most most people.

The stupid thing is, most of my friends are incredibly open minded and have no issues with gay people. Yet still, I feel really freaked out about it.

At this point, I know I just need to accept who I am, and stop pretending that I'm something that I'm not. I just feel like my self esteem about the issue is so low.. that I'm afraid of how people will think of me... even though.. logically.. I know that there's nothing to be ashamed of.

Thoughts? Has anyone else felt this way? How do you get over it? Any feedback is appreciated .

[Undreamt]

heck I've been with my boy for 6 years and i still have those thoughts sometimes.

The biggest problem is trying to live up to what you think other people think is normal.
And thats never going to happen.
Maybe its a little awkward and uncomfortable occasionally, but thats part of the fun.

The first kiss is always a little bit awkward and nobody knows what they are doing, but its so cute when you see people making out the first time.

[Counselor]

I totally get this, Tyrion. I still have a problem holding a guy's hand and kissing in public. I couldn't even say, "I'm gay" for the first three months after I came out. But the more I talked with my friends (bless Broham, he's been a stellar listener) about it, the more documentaries I watch, the more time I spend here on GS, the more normal it seems, and the easier I feel that I'm not an aberration. Love and attraction is normal. People that have a problem with it are not.

[Zet]

love should just be love, but it's hard when were in a society where it's so important to be normal and not to stick out. I'm just in your situation, I think. I'm sure my mom and dad would accept me being this way, but I can't help to feel that way to. let time pass, gain some confidence and come out... It's hard but it's not until then, that you will feel that you can be your self and hopefully they will accept it (Which it seems) so you wont feel like an outcast and different.

[ThatRobGuy]

I can definitely relate to how you're feeling, Tyrion.

I don't think anyone should feel ashamed or have to apologize for being who or what they are (serial killers and the like aside), yet it's still extremely difficult to come out to people or not feel "abnormal."

I'm out to a few friends, but no family. I only have 1 friend who I think might have a problem with it, but I am confident all of my other friends and family would have no major issues; yet, I still can't seem to find the words to say to come out to them.

It feels unnatural to me to have to say "I'm gay." Being gay is what I am, not who I am, and I feel like others will put you into a box and think of you a certain way when they find out you're gay rather than looking at you as an individual (maybe I am not giving others enough credit and this is probably not the typical experience, but it's just my perception of things).

So anyway, I don't have much advice for you Tyrion since I'm in a similar situation, but I would say that if you are not out to anyone at all, I would start by telling someone who you consider a friend and think won't have a problem with it, but not a good enough friend to where you'd be crushed if you lost them as a friend over it. It will help you get some practice and help build your confidence while not risking a major friendship/relationship.

[pellaz]

people's opinions have changed a lot in the last 10years and they are more accepting. Its no big deal, the person on the street just dosnt care and if asked wants the best for you. There is every indication this trend will continue.

As a gay man you will never be able to be successful with a wife. Live a life all alone if you dont love your self today. Dont invite your family into your bed.

Its only a sexual preference between you and your boy friend, partner or husband. It dosnt include the neighbor or co-worker. Statistics show gay people are not any more permiscous, are not attracted to the straights.

Dont loose your focus of who you are. In the closet or holding hands at Home Depot you are still the same person.

[Geminize]

Tyrion, I can relate to your feelings. I always appreciated gay couples who look comfortable in public, and wondered what that would be like. I never thought I would be part of one. Now that I am out with my boyfriend, I have walked holding hands and thrown my arms around him in public. All I can say about it is that it feels great! It's been a circular process for me: the more time we spend together in public, the more comfortable I feel. The more comfortable I feel, the more I'll be affectionate in public.

You're right that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Get comfortable in your own skin and others will notice and appreciate you for who you are.

[jimbopdxus]

Okay, NEWS BREAK! You are still in the normal stage of identity. You are at the stage of development that you should be. It takes some people longer than others so there is no need to be concerned. One of these days, when you are out with you partner and you are looking through a store and there is a touch from you or him, a statement, you both reach for the same item or find your selves disagreeing about this or that. Then it will dawn on you. But until that moment arrives, just enjoy being you.

Have you ever been grocery shopping and watched the same sex couples? You can tell the roommates from the lovers. It is a expression of familiarity that they have. So what are you worried about? Envying the gay couples is okay, To emulate them? Maybe not. Does this make any sense at all?

As for public display. I was never much into that, but we hold hands while driving. That is our comfort level. Private and intimate. It is the little things! So don't read into it too far and you will be fine.

[AdrianMarcus]

I know how you feel. I have always had this sense of wanting to be 'normal', I just don't agree with societies definition of normal. I want to come out to my family too, but I know they will disown me, and I don't live in a gay friendly community.

I even hate that phrase, 'gay friendly', I wish people weren't so stupid. The world would be better if we didn't have to hide being gay, which is perfectly natural and normal.

IMO your shame, like mine, comes from society, not yourself. When I am with people that I know really don't judge being gay, like the few gay friends I met in medical school I feel perfectly normal. My best friends knows now too, and when I am with her I feel perfectly normal as well. She hardly ever uses the word 'gay' unless I do.

I know that scientifically it is natural to be 'gay', but society hasn't arrived there yet, and in some areas of the country people are so backwards.

I hope you find someone. I think if you can find the strength to come out, you should. I am tired of feeling like this, so I am going to tell everyone next weekend. Whatever happens after that, happens.

I wish you the best of luck. If more of us are open and honest maybe society will change?