Want to break up, but I'm uncomfortable with it? (Sorry, a bit lengthy) :-P

[naterin11]

Hey all, my name's Nate. I havent posted for a while, and even when I did, it wasn't much. :-P Anyways, I need some advice on my current relationship since I'm not sure what to do if you all don't mind? :-) I apologize for the length in advance.

Back in October, I met this guy off Craigslist ( I know, I know...). When we first met, I'm not sure I felt a "click", but he was really sweet and pretty cute, so we went on with our date, eating some "vampiros" at a local taqueria. :-P Before our first date, we had talked online for a couple weeks, so meeting in person wasn't so awkward.

So in November, we got together and we really enjoyed ourselves. When we went out, it was mostly walks in the parks, going out to eat, or other nightly endeavors. But, now i see him about 5-6 times in a month because of various reasons. In December, I found a full time job as a security officer and it's taken up most of my time. Before, I was only focused with school so I had plenty of time to spend with him. Now it's getting pretty difficult since I have to allocate my days off toward some school time, family, and myself.

I just feel like we aren't connected too much. He's been nothing but sweet to me, with the exception of a couple times when he got upset at me for not paying much attention to him. But in any case, there's been a few things turning me off about him. Currently, he's visiting the US on a Visa, which is set to expire in 2013. I don't feel comfortable judging him on status like that, especially since he's able to make it on his own with his own job. He's a pretty hard worker. It does concern me a bit though because he's said that even when it expires, he's not afraid of being deported or anything. He's staying but I don't feel comfortable staying with him if he's going to do that, especially since my major is in criminal justice. Anyways, not only this, but his family seems a bit "messy". He doesn't like to associate with his family too much, and I can understand that. They're traditionally conservative Catholics, and that's the environment he grew up in. Here in the US, he lives with his uncle and cousin in a pretty dirty apartment, which turns me off a bit. I know it's not most of his doing, since his own room smells ok and it's fairly clean, but...his house is full of stray cats that his uncle feeds, as well as a couple dogs. Ive noticed this stuff from the beginning of our relationship, but I wanted to set aside those turn-offs because it seemed shallow of me to judge him on things like that. Now, these things along with other things are starting to get on my nerves a bit.

Last week we went to a mall with the intention of going to Dave and Busters. I had been thinking about our relationship that whole day, and I really wasnt in a good mood, unfortunately. We were on our way to D&B and he could tell I wasn't in too good of a mood, so we went back to my truck and talked for a bit. Basically, I let him know that I was starting to feel uncomfortable with him not showing much affection toward me. He's "in the closet" so i can understand where he's coming from, especially since he grew up in a conservative Catholic family. Im in the closet still, too, but only to family and friends...I don't feel right pressuring him into showing me affection in public if he doesn't want to, but at the same time, I don't want to only be able to kiss him or hold him behind closed doors. I'm just really expecting more out of a relationship at this point. I've never had a girlfriend and he's my first boyfriend, but in the past few years, when I imagined myself in a relationship with another guy, I expected it to be different than this, just basing my expectations off of past crushes and day dreams, I guess.

In any case, he gave me an iPad 2 and a Samsung Galaxy S phone for Valentines Day, which made me feel really special, but especially greedy because I felt like sh** for thinking about breaking up with him (not on that day, I was just pondering the idea in the days prior). This is what I mean when I say he's caring and loving. He even calls me his "bunny" lol.

One part of me wants to break up with him because I'm just not getting what I would like from a relationship. I honestly feel like he's treating me like a friend, one of "the guys" rather than his boyfriend in public because he's afraid of what other people think of him. Ive told him this, too. I noticed he doesn't smile much at me in public, which, to me, kinda shows how paranoid he is about people figuring out he's gay. The other half of me wants to stay with him because he's really sweet and, I'm sure, truly loves me. By the way, this has nothing to do with the gifts he's given me, which I'd be happy to give back because I don't want him to feel like I used him...but anyways, I'm just looking for someone with a more romantic attitude at this point.

I'd be more than happy to stay friends with him, though, since he's a really nice guy to be around.

We've already talked over the things I've mentioned in this post, but I really don't see much change happening soon. I guess what I need advice on is: what's the "best" way to go about breaking up with someone? I'm not sure how he'll take the news of just wanting to stay friends, but I'm not sure I want to stay in this relationship much longer.

Thanks for taking the time to read this! :-)

- Nate

[Rainbowmum]

Hi Nate,

The stressful relationship you are in, and the way you feel, are a very bad time bomb.
Feeling guilty and staying for that reason , is also adding to your stress.

If you do not want to end up hating him , and trust me eventually you will see him as your captor, you must talk to him or take action.

Living like this is cruel to both of you, your partner deserves to be loved with a whole heart ,and you also need to be happy.

Good luck , keep us posted.

[Person66]

OK, so why do you want to break up with him? Let's look at the positives. He's cute, that never hurts. He gave you an iPad2 and a Samsung Galaxy S phone for valentines day, that means he,s generous and romantic. A lot of people think that gift-giving is a superficial gesture meant to buy your love, but it's a way of showing love for a lot of people (like me). He also calls you his bunny which is also romantic . You say he acts like friends in public, but you're closeted too so you're not exactly in a position to talk. This may be a remnant of his strict upbringing. Affection in public is overrated to me anything more than holding hands and non- French kissing belongs behind closed doors. Concentrate more on how he treats you in private.

I only see two problems. For one you're not seeing him that off ten and you don't seem to be connecting enough. I get the feeling that if you two start seeing each other more often, you'd start to connect more.

Rainbowmum also has a good point. You're partner needs to be loved by a whole heart.
It's not fair to either of you to just string him along.

[VagabondKitten]

First off, you have no idea how much this sounds like the relationship I'm in right now. The only major difference is the whole visa thing, and the fact that we're both out (though he still has problems showing affection anywhere but at a gay bar) but aside from that I'm having all the same problems. Anyways, here is my advice; first off, in the grand scheme of things you guys really haven't been dating that long, and I feel like it isn't unheard of that you still haven't fully developed your feelings for him. Distance, and inability to see each-other can definitely make that process slower and more difficult than it might normally be. And it sounds like you're not leading him on, as you're letting him know you're unsure of things, so it's not like you're going to just be completely throwing him for a loop if you do decide to end things.

If you honestly feel as though there is no potential for the relationship in the long run, and you feel it's best to end things, know there really is no easy way to break up with him. There are definitely better ways though. My suggestion, first off, ALWAYS do it face to face. Do not break up with someone over text, or by calling them, that just shows that you have no respect for them, and didn't really care that much. Also, I find it is best to do it in a location where you can easily leave after you are done, like either having you both meet up separately in a public location, or you going to his place. (I once broke up with someone at my apartment, and he WOULDN'T leave, it was one of the most awkward 2 hours of my life). Make sure you explain to him your reasons for breaking up with him (but do it nicely obviously), to make sure he isn't left confused as to why you broke up with him in the first place. Lastly, you said you still want to be friends, but don't expect this to happen, some people can't handle being friends with their exes. Even if he still wants to be friends, he'll probably want some space for a period of time, and make sure you give him that. Hope this all helps, and good luck!

[pellaz]

relationship things are difficult to get across. you may have talked over the issue but it may take several sessions to get the thought across.

you may have the tendency to hang on to relationships that you know will work like your family. maybe just as much as he is afraid to come out with his gayness. Since you are out have you introduced him to the rents?

I dont know where you live but baby steps first. That is; start him off in a gay friendly neighborhood and progressively move to holding hands at HomeDepot. If he is here on a visa he is more than likely desiring to remain under cover.

-Lots of boys are iffy wispy about giving their love, your bf is not. this is a BIG plus
-The visa is the biggest issue here, you guys need to plan around this now
-Breakups are a bitch and phuck you mind up for weeks, either way its an investment
-If you guys were more independent from your families it would be easier.

the act of breaking up is the easy part, you need to give back the junk and deal with your emotions afterwards. go over close to where he lives, in a public place and do it. You have a reliable postal address; mail him the gifts back because he wont take them right than. If you dont have a functional postal address (maybe no one there to sign for things) you need to return the junk first, than break up the next day.

i feel sad for you but if you must break its ok to do it.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

At my age in life he is too toxic for me. I don't do 'in the closet' men. I don't do criminals either. I did (both) long, long ago when I was young and resilient and willing and able to deal with the other crap that comes with these things. Now I am an old dog, set in my ways and unable (no so much unwilling, I just lack ability) to deal with another persons 'shit'.

20 years ago I was more able to deal with 'stuff' and deal with a wide variety of imperfections and flaws. Today I settle for more manageable flaws.

I don't do a lot of things I used to do, drugs, drinking, partying, demonstrations, protesting, week long back-packing trips, road trips, blah, blah, blah. I got old and crippled. Both have taken their toll.


I do not think everyone gets everything they want out of a relationship. At the least I never have, there has always been room for 'a little bit more'.

You are basically going to have to decide what it is you can live without with this man. If you do move on to another relationship then you will be faced with a similar problem, but most likely different options of what you have to life without and what you get in exchange.

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship because we humans are imperfect. No matter what man you are with there will be flaws, there will be issues, there will be lacks - at the same time he will most likely have incredible aspects to him which you are willing to live without other things to be with.

But there is nothing on your list here that can't change - with time, patience and in the case of immigration lots and lots of standing in lines and fighting the system.

Eventually he will come out - when? I do not know, most of us do come out. This isn't like 20+ years ago when society was so down on homosexuality that most stayed in the closet, married, had kids and are now either toe tapping in airport bathrooms or are using Grinder for hook-ups as 'straight/married gay curious' when they ain't curious, they are just trying to have their cake and eat it too.

You have to decide in this case what you are willing to live with and what you are willing to live without. I can't tell you how you should go. I can tell you what I would do, but we are a generation apart and most likely have far different goals in life.

[pellaz]

... Eventually he will come out - when? I do not know, most of us do come out. This isn't like 20+ years ago when society was so down on homosexuality that most stayed in the closet, married, had kids ...

i am thinking a few thing here:
-no reason to not be out, in N America things have changed some. When in Rome do as Romans.
-your bf is on a visa to he may be wanting to live a quiet life... till now
-i am thinking one or both boys are not totally out to their families, and are dependent on their family for a place to live.

[naterin11]

Thank you all for the advice. I read every word from all of you. I've been running through my mind what I'm going to say to him when I see him tomorrow and I have a feeling it's going to go smoothly. I really do feel like he needs someone who's going to love him wholeheartedly and pay more attention to him, so I'll talk this over with him tomorrow.

Again, thanks everyone for your advice. It helped me out a lot! I'll post what happens tomorrow.

- Nate

[dfiant]

Nate...damned if you do, damned if you don't....caught between a rock and a hard place...all cliche statements that wrap what you are going through into a nice little bundle.

However, it isn't a nice little bundle, it's life and one of those delightful little things that come along with life...a challenge.

You know what to do, but you are having trouble reconciling your heart and mind to bring yourself to take the step in the right direction. Perhaps you could take some time out, get away for a day or a weekend alone to clear your thoughts?

[naterin11]

Well, I talked to him over coffee when I got off work. I tried to be as sensitive as possible, but he barely said anything the whole time. Now I feel depressed since I'm not sure to think or feel at this point. I keep reminiscing about all the good times we've had these past few months. In the long run, I know this won't work out, so I guess it's for the best, but it doesn't seem like he wants to even stay friends. I feel alone in this since he was the only guy I could talk to who knew I'm gay...I feel confused, but I guess all these emotions I'm feeling are normal...

Anyways, I guess I need some time to think about this. Thank you all for the advice, I truly appreciate it.

- Nate