ChrisH Wrote:I've been out to my closest friends for a little over a year now, some newer friends have recently found out, but I've been keeping my family in the dark for a looooong time.
I think the biggest fear of mine is how my Dad is going to react to it. In the last year, he's had a lot to say about people being gay and what the Bible says. He's a retired Army veteran, but has had nothing to say about the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, or DOMA. He's definitely not a religious person, but swears by the Bible to the point where Mom calls him a hypocrite - he was very, and I mean very, supportive of CFA last year. All that aside, I have no idea how he'd react - he has asked me if I was gay before (and rather bitterly), but I bit my tongue anyway and said I wasn't.
My Mom has no problem with gay people, as far as I know, though she's questioned my sexuality (in front of other family members) and I've declined there as well. There was a time in high school (when I was 16) where I left my phone on a table and she found it, went through it, found a clean picture that one of my friends sent me and then rudely woke me up asking if I was gay then. I'm not too concerned about her opinion though.
Moreover, there's the rest of my family. Especially my closest grandmother, my aunts, and my uncle.
Every now and then I'll come across a coming-out story, and how others reacted, but when is the best time? And what's the best (and worst) ways to do it??
You're twenty-one and you are now allowed to own your life, emotionally and sexually. I think now's as good a time as any to tell, since you've had time to internalise who you really are. Before that, you may not have been ready for the release of this very private information, but since people ask, you can now say: "YES, actually, I am. I've had a lot of time to think about it. I'd rather date / live with a man." You might even make a point that people often assume it's "all right" to ask someone point blank: "Are you gay?" as if this wasn't something WE have a hard time with. It's not "all right". It's just rude. You wouldn't dream of asking someone out of the blue if they were fukcing their girlfriend in the arse, would you? To me, this is a private matter and should be left to the person to disclose when and if ready. Making the environment gay friendly is one way of coaxing the truth out of a loved one but then the question doesn't need to be so blunt.
My story of this comes like this. When I was twenty-one, I finally decided to have a sex life and a love life. I'd been Mr Asexual until then. I started with a male friend and then a female friend. When my relationship with my male friend happened, I tried to tell my mother exactly that, but she wouldn't hear it, and more or less shut me up. My mother was well-read and educated and yet, I suppose, it must have irked her sense of who I was, and her religious beliefs. Maybe she was also in denial because my younger brother was so obviously and outspokenly gay himself. Two gay boys in the family? That would be too much to take. Too much grief. I also think, some 30 years ago, it wouldn't have gone down too well with the Joneses, and there was fear of discrimination and hurt and unhappiness in our parents.
These days, things have evolved and people aren't quite so unkind, or judgemental about being attracted to one's own sex.
When I was in my thirties, we're talking ten years down the line here, my brother contracted AIDS and was dying, my mother was in great distress; so were we all. Discussing his situation, she suddenly asks me: "Are you gay?". The question came so unexpectedly in the conversation, and my brother's situation was so distressing that I felt the only answer I could give was: "I don't like to think of myself as gay." It wasn't that I had a problem with being gay, but I could see that answering yes would only distress my mother more than was necessary. So I repressed it. I shut myself up, this time. She had no reason to worry on my account as, at the time, I'd been celibate for a good long time, not dating anyone, not having sex with anyone, so basically out of the dangers of catching AIDS myself.
I knew, in my heart of hearts, that I'd betrayed myself, my emotions and my sexuality, because I was trying to preserve some dignity and preserve my mother from unwarranted extra worry.
Walk ten more years down my lifeline and now I've finally come out of 18 years of celibacy and I've met my partner (we've been together 10 years this year - YAY!!!
!) but it's still quite recent and I've still not told my mother. I'm 45 or so, old enough to know better. Unmarried, no girlfriend... She invites me down for the weekend and my partner's here so I can't let her think that he's just a friend, I
don't want her to think that he's just a friend. I sit down and write her a letter (an e-mail actually).
My concern now is that my partner is a divorced man and I'm more concerned that she won't like him because of that (having been a divorcee herself, I daresay she does not necessarily take gladly to divorcers, or men who've left their wives, and that's my main concern).
I know, however, that my mother has always wanted us to be happy. With my brother's death and our subsequent mourning, we've had enough grief and depression. My brother's been dead about 9 years now and it's still an open wound but I can't keep it a secret that I've also got a love life, at last, found someone, found a boyfriend and he makes me happy.
That's how I told her, tears streaming down my eyes as I realise how much she loves us, and how impossible it has been to tell her MY truth all these years owing to our special circumstances. I read through the letter with my boyfriend. He approves it and comforts me. This is such a rending heartache, such a difficult confession. Derek and I leave for the day, I do not want to confront her on the phone.
Fair enough, we get home from our outing and there's a message on the answerphone: "Darling, I just wanted you to know, I wasn't born from the last rain. When are you coming down? I'd like to meet your friend."
What parents don't realise is that with having been denied and rejected, or told that gay is wrong all our lives, we've internalised that we are little devils, even if we are just the sweetest human beings. It's as difficult for us to come out to ourselves as it is to come out to others. Plus, coming out to people who've known you all your life and who are supposed to "love you", is all the more daunting as you're afraid of disappointing them; disappointing your mum who's been expecting to have grandchildren one day, parents who've been expecting to have a daughter-in-law some day, and weddings and all that. They've somehow made plans in their heads, and we'll be wrecking them. Today we can get married and those plans wouldn't have to be thrown out of the window. As for grandchildren, well, my partner already has quite a few. lol.
We don't do it on purpose, we just manage as best we can with the cards that life has dealt us. Yes, we're lucky when our parents can accept us, and yes, some of us find out that our parents are as wonderful as they've always been. But no one should be cornered into admitting that they are gay, when we've been fearing this cornering all our lives, the "dirty little secret" found out, or sometimes just assumed. No, coming out is something that you have to own and have to be ready to do. So, never mind if you've been "lying" to yourself, or others. They'll understand why you've tried to keep yourself safe all these years. It's the instinct of survival that has made its call, every time.
Now my mother has died, my one regret is that we've not been able to get married before she passed away because the laws of our countries are still discriminating against us. She'd be happy to know we're making it official.
Hope you'll find the right Someone to make your life a joy.
Good luck and take care. When you're ready.