When is the right time?

[Varanus]

Is there ever a perfect time to come out?
Id say each person has their on mind frame on what the perfect moment would entail and be like but unfortunately a lot of the time it doesn't go the way we would like.
But the way I see it is you, yourself will be the only one who knows when its the right time to tell your parents.

For myself, I came out to some close friends of my 20th birthday with a few tears in my eyes surprisingly they seemed to have taken it well at the time but fast forward to now we no longer have anything to do with each other due to a few issues but the main one is that unfortunately I just out grew them mentally and found i didn't have anything in common with them any more.
Yes it was sad to waste 11 years of friendship like that but I see it as a part of evolving to the man I currently am.
I then came out to my younger brother, who actually took it so well but beating me to saying the words "Im gay" but he has a few gay friends so I knew he would be cool with it.
Then it comes down to my parents, well I tried so many times to tell my mum in person but couldn't find the strength or courage to do so, so in the end I wrote her a letter explaining everything and apparently she then went straight to my father and had told him.
Ive never personally told my father im gay lol, but he knows as everyone else knows.
Its never been a issue since coming out to bring my BF to my place for dinners,sleep overs or to just chill out.
But i will say this do it when your ready, don't feel forced or obliged to do so due to social stigmas; I myself was actually forced into telling my mum while I don't regret it there was the possibility that it could have ended badly.
Keep your chin up and remember if you fall just pick yourself up again and start moving after all life is a party and just remember a very famous quote "If you cant love yourself. How on earth you going to love somebody else, can I get an Amen in here"

[Rainbowmum]

The right time is when you are ready , no one else , just you.
If you can fend for yourself , are not financially dependent on those you worry about telling, and last but most important are going to be safe in doing so go for it.

There is no one way of doing it ,no specific time or age.
Just when you feel comfortable .

[Brownie]

I agree with what most people said.

I don't think there's really a way of knowing the best way to do it because all of our situations are different. I kind of forced myself to tell my parents. I was 18, was dating a guy, and we had both decided together that we wanted to tell our parents/families. I told my sister first during my second semester of college, and then when my parents were about to drop me off at school after Easter weekend, I kind of just blurted it out. But at that point I already knew it was time for me, because I was tired of having to hide part of who I was. My family was actually one of the last to know - I was completely honest with everyone I met in college from the get go, and I think that that actually made things easier. Family was just the last hurdle for me and I wanted them to know, and I wanted for me to tell them personally. Everything kind of flowed from that point so now all of my family knows. It's not always comfortable, and we definitely don't talk about it, but they (extended family too) know and they still accept me and love me so that's the most important part.

When I told my parents, my mom said she already knew and she was actually pretty funny about it, but my dad is still difficult about it. Believes in gay stereotypes and all that.

In essence, just wait until you feel that you're ready to tell them, and to deal with whatever the outcome may be.

[ChrisH]

Here's some new news:

I'm working on an art project involving paper bags - I turned it into a flower box that has a significant meaning behind it.

Anyway, there are two paper flowers that are tye-dye, and my Mom asked me if I was gay. Since she probably suspects it, I asked her hypothetically, if she would accept a daughter or son that was lesbian/gay. She said she didn't know. It also seems that she thinks (or thought) that HIV/AIDS was purely something that only same-sex people get - I showed her that that isn't really the case. Anyone can get it. (She is 54).

I digress -

- in any case, I asked her if she wanted an honest answer about my sexuality - she avoided it completely.

I don't know what she'll say to Dad, since I'll be in class for a few hours later today...but I'm now kinda paranoid.

[Geminize]

Chris, I think the "right time" (if there is one) is when you can't stand holding it in any longer; when the pain of withholding who you are outweighs the fear of what might happen. Ideally we could all come out before this point. Some of us can stand a lot of self-induced pain, and I don't think that really serves us well.

You're an adult. (That by itself can be scary enough.) I don't know your relationship with your parents, but I hope you can be honest with them and trust that will result in the best for you in the long run. Good luck later today.

[ManicReptile21]

I think your parents already suspect you of being gay. A parent doesnt question if he or she's son is gay out of the blue. they usually look for clues. Honestly I think by this point your mother already knows if she stumbled upon that picture, that and the fact that you've never brought a girlfriend home to her (unless you have:O). I think you should tell her first if anything. BUT. you choose when. I think you should try to open a channel- a relationship between your mother or your coming out may be as destructive as mine will be in the future. Probably with lots of yelling and "You never loved me!" sort of arguments. I really hope the best for you---

[princealbertofb]

I've been out to my closest friends for a little over a year now, some newer friends have recently found out, but I've been keeping my family in the dark for a looooong time.

I think the biggest fear of mine is how my Dad is going to react to it. In the last year, he's had a lot to say about people being gay and what the Bible says. He's a retired Army veteran, but has had nothing to say about the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, or DOMA. He's definitely not a religious person, but swears by the Bible to the point where Mom calls him a hypocrite - he was very, and I mean very, supportive of CFA last year. All that aside, I have no idea how he'd react - he has asked me if I was gay before (and rather bitterly), but I bit my tongue anyway and said I wasn't.

My Mom has no problem with gay people, as far as I know, though she's questioned my sexuality (in front of other family members) and I've declined there as well. There was a time in high school (when I was 16) where I left my phone on a table and she found it, went through it, found a clean picture that one of my friends sent me and then rudely woke me up asking if I was gay then. I'm not too concerned about her opinion though.

Moreover, there's the rest of my family. Especially my closest grandmother, my aunts, and my uncle.




Every now and then I'll come across a coming-out story, and how others reacted, but when is the best time? And what's the best (and worst) ways to do it??

You're twenty-one and you are now allowed to own your life, emotionally and sexually. I think now's as good a time as any to tell, since you've had time to internalise who you really are. Before that, you may not have been ready for the release of this very private information, but since people ask, you can now say: "YES, actually, I am. I've had a lot of time to think about it. I'd rather date / live with a man." You might even make a point that people often assume it's "all right" to ask someone point blank: "Are you gay?" as if this wasn't something WE have a hard time with. It's not "all right". It's just rude. You wouldn't dream of asking someone out of the blue if they were fukcing their girlfriend in the arse, would you? To me, this is a private matter and should be left to the person to disclose when and if ready. Making the environment gay friendly is one way of coaxing the truth out of a loved one but then the question doesn't need to be so blunt.

My story of this comes like this. When I was twenty-one, I finally decided to have a sex life and a love life. I'd been Mr Asexual until then. I started with a male friend and then a female friend. When my relationship with my male friend happened, I tried to tell my mother exactly that, but she wouldn't hear it, and more or less shut me up. My mother was well-read and educated and yet, I suppose, it must have irked her sense of who I was, and her religious beliefs. Maybe she was also in denial because my younger brother was so obviously and outspokenly gay himself. Two gay boys in the family? That would be too much to take. Too much grief. I also think, some 30 years ago, it wouldn't have gone down too well with the Joneses, and there was fear of discrimination and hurt and unhappiness in our parents.

These days, things have evolved and people aren't quite so unkind, or judgemental about being attracted to one's own sex.

When I was in my thirties, we're talking ten years down the line here, my brother contracted AIDS and was dying, my mother was in great distress; so were we all. Discussing his situation, she suddenly asks me: "Are you gay?". The question came so unexpectedly in the conversation, and my brother's situation was so distressing that I felt the only answer I could give was: "I don't like to think of myself as gay." It wasn't that I had a problem with being gay, but I could see that answering yes would only distress my mother more than was necessary. So I repressed it. I shut myself up, this time. She had no reason to worry on my account as, at the time, I'd been celibate for a good long time, not dating anyone, not having sex with anyone, so basically out of the dangers of catching AIDS myself.

I knew, in my heart of hearts, that I'd betrayed myself, my emotions and my sexuality, because I was trying to preserve some dignity and preserve my mother from unwarranted extra worry.

Walk ten more years down my lifeline and now I've finally come out of 18 years of celibacy and I've met my partner (we've been together 10 years this year - YAY!!! !) but it's still quite recent and I've still not told my mother. I'm 45 or so, old enough to know better. Unmarried, no girlfriend... She invites me down for the weekend and my partner's here so I can't let her think that he's just a friend, I don't want her to think that he's just a friend. I sit down and write her a letter (an e-mail actually).

My concern now is that my partner is a divorced man and I'm more concerned that she won't like him because of that (having been a divorcee herself, I daresay she does not necessarily take gladly to divorcers, or men who've left their wives, and that's my main concern).

I know, however, that my mother has always wanted us to be happy. With my brother's death and our subsequent mourning, we've had enough grief and depression. My brother's been dead about 9 years now and it's still an open wound but I can't keep it a secret that I've also got a love life, at last, found someone, found a boyfriend and he makes me happy.

That's how I told her, tears streaming down my eyes as I realise how much she loves us, and how impossible it has been to tell her MY truth all these years owing to our special circumstances. I read through the letter with my boyfriend. He approves it and comforts me. This is such a rending heartache, such a difficult confession. Derek and I leave for the day, I do not want to confront her on the phone.

Fair enough, we get home from our outing and there's a message on the answerphone: "Darling, I just wanted you to know, I wasn't born from the last rain. When are you coming down? I'd like to meet your friend."

What parents don't realise is that with having been denied and rejected, or told that gay is wrong all our lives, we've internalised that we are little devils, even if we are just the sweetest human beings. It's as difficult for us to come out to ourselves as it is to come out to others. Plus, coming out to people who've known you all your life and who are supposed to "love you", is all the more daunting as you're afraid of disappointing them; disappointing your mum who's been expecting to have grandchildren one day, parents who've been expecting to have a daughter-in-law some day, and weddings and all that. They've somehow made plans in their heads, and we'll be wrecking them. Today we can get married and those plans wouldn't have to be thrown out of the window. As for grandchildren, well, my partner already has quite a few. lol.

We don't do it on purpose, we just manage as best we can with the cards that life has dealt us. Yes, we're lucky when our parents can accept us, and yes, some of us find out that our parents are as wonderful as they've always been. But no one should be cornered into admitting that they are gay, when we've been fearing this cornering all our lives, the "dirty little secret" found out, or sometimes just assumed. No, coming out is something that you have to own and have to be ready to do. So, never mind if you've been "lying" to yourself, or others. They'll understand why you've tried to keep yourself safe all these years. It's the instinct of survival that has made its call, every time.
Now my mother has died, my one regret is that we've not been able to get married before she passed away because the laws of our countries are still discriminating against us. She'd be happy to know we're making it official.

Hope you'll find the right Someone to make your life a joy.

Good luck and take care. When you're ready.

[joseph]

i think if sometmes peple gaess it. her mite say yes i know your gay! i hope its ok. its hard telling peple.

princelberto did your frineds relise you are gay before you tell mum. did you tell them. what did your dad say.

my mum and sister hannah gessed i was . hannah seen like when my posters ofmen. i think. and said are you gay joseph. no secret . i told my mum her said her realise. i dont know her peple gese it but if they love you the mite and its ok.

[zeon]

Hello,
The best thing to do is when you read this if you havent done already is gather both your parents together and just say look there is something i want to talk to you about... When it comes to it why not say

ok i have had some thought on this and would like to finish what i need to say before you guys say anything... I feel one aspect of life is honesty and I have asked you both to come here so you hear it from me direct. I know it might come as a shock to begin with but its nothing to be shocked over because to be honest the only thing thats going to change is what you will soon know that you dont know yet... I want to let you both know that enough is enough and i feel it is time to tell the two most important people in my life that im gay. Now if your going into panic mode dont because to be honest whats made me me is the same thing thats made you you.. To prove this how you feel right now is how your genetic structure works when something can kinda cause the un expected.. I want to assure u both that im still the same person i was born to be its just that my life story known as fate has made me this way and im not the only one whos in this boat theres loads of people all over the world like me so i dont want you guys to worry... This is me turning from a boy into a man... If you want to i dont mind talking it with you guys and just giving u support on this so we work together as a team if there is any issues that need to be aired....

The rest is upto you but dont raise your voice in any heated situation just talk calmly

kindest regards

aunty zeon
Gayspeak agony aunt