When is the right time?

[ChrisH]

I've been out to my closest friends for a little over a year now, some newer friends have recently found out, but I've been keeping my family in the dark for a looooong time.

I think the biggest fear of mine is how my Dad is going to react to it. In the last year, he's had a lot to say about people being gay and what the Bible says. He's a retired Army veteran, but has had nothing to say about the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy, or DOMA. He's definitely not a religious person, but swears by the Bible to the point where Mom calls him a hypocrite - he was very, and I mean very, supportive of CFA last year. All that aside, I have no idea how he'd react - he has asked me if I was gay before (and rather bitterly), but I bit my tongue anyway and said I wasn't.

My Mom has no problem with gay people, as far as I know, though she's questioned my sexuality (in front of other family members) and I've declined there as well. There was a time in high school (when I was 16) where I left my phone on a table and she found it, went through it, found a clean picture that one of my friends sent me and then rudely woke me up asking if I was gay then. I'm not too concerned about her opinion though.

Moreover, there's the rest of my family. Especially my closest grandmother, my aunts, and my uncle.




Every now and then I'll come across a coming-out story, and how others reacted, but when is the best time? And what's the best (and worst) ways to do it??

[Lycanthropist]

Holidays and family gatherings would have to be the worst time I can think of to come out to your family. I didn't have to deal with a father, so I can't speak to that aspect. I told my mother when I was about 32 and of course it was no surprise to her. She basically decided that she still loved me for who I am, and she knew that if she wanted me to be in her life that she would have to accept me for who I am.

As far as the bible goes... The bible doesn't say anything, the bible reads. I'm always amused that the people that want you to live by their book don't necessarily have to follow it themselves. It really is open to interpretation and will mean different things to different people. People will always quote Leviticus, but where they fail is that they only pick out the one passage that agrees with their way of thinking. They forget about all the other passages written in that same book of their bible.

I wish you well when you do decide to come out. It's not always easy, and I found it's a very quick way to lose people in your life. Not everyone can handle it as we well know.

[Counselor]

I dropped it to my parents individually, which was easy since their divorce. I just sat down with my mom and told her I was coming out. Her reply was, "I wondered how long this would take," which infuriated me for a long list of irrelevant reasons. My father, on the other hand, reacted by stiffening and leaning away from me as I spoke, and he never brought it up again, even when I was bringing my bf by the house.

If I could do it again, I would make sure my dad was eating or drinking something, but that's just me.

[azulai]

Hi, ChrisH.

Everyone's situation is unique so there isn't any best time.

I spent a lot of time reading the threads in this section. You might have to go pretty far back but you'll find some good stuff.

Coming out is uniquely personal and what works for one person may not be the best course of action for you. Some people write letters, some people send emails, some people have face to face conversations.

Take some time and assess your unique situation. Are you dependent on your parents financially for education and living expenses? Will they throw you out? Do you have a place to stay? Sometimes it's better to wait until you are financially independent.

I was 20, ended up dating someone while in the closet and just knew after a while that it was time. I considered past interactions with my parents and that helped me determine quite a few things. I wanted to handle things in a quiet respectful manner because I've screwed up some things in the past by being rash and selfish and I didn't want to screw this up. I wrote out what I wanted to say, brainstormed questions, put it aside and thought some more/wrote some more. Discussed things with a few close friends, including my bf.

Ultimately, I determined I needed to have a face-to-face conversation with my dad. So, I had planned on driving us to this park where I run; it's just a very peaceful place. I sometimes envision a tree from there when I meditate. Anyway, I drove there and we ended up sitting and having our conversation. I need eye-to-eye contact so parking and talking was best for me.

I did feel like I was on an emotional rollercoaster after, I did need to go stay by my bf at one point a couple of days just because it felt like things were closing in on me. A lot of people say they feel this huge weight lifted after coming out, I did not. It took me some time to feel good about it all.

My parents are supportive but my mom did need more time initially. She ended up going to some private counseling sessions and it was months before she and I really connected and talked honestly about things. It ended up that she had some guilt to work through, and she said some things that I had needed to hear for a while. We had already had a pretty big battle over religion in the past.

So, I guess my best advice would be to read what others say, and shift through things and hunt around for those puzzle pieces and eventually YOUR unique plan will take shape. Have a place to stay in case you need space, or you need to give your parents some space to process things. Try very hard to maintain calm and not take the bait if they react in anger.

It sounds like both of your parents suspect but aren't happy with the answer. Sometimes parents say things in a way to elicit the answer they seek. Kind of a denial of sorts. Think about questions or comments they will have and have honest answers ready as best you can.

Take your time and work within your comfort zone. Best wishes!

[Nick9]

You know, this may sound strange, but I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Do we really have to have that conversation with our family?
Sharing that "secret" with friends can be nice and uplifting, you stop to feel alone and start to finally feel accepted.
But the family... Why don't just let them discover when the time is right? You will be seen with your bf, or you will bring him home.
This whole coming out to parents seems very humiliating to me, it puts a lot of pressure on us, and even in my head, it implies that something is wrong and I need to confess.
I don't know why we are doing this to ourselves.

Sure, it depends on your family. Maybe coming out to them will be as great as coming out to your friends. But I don't understand that notion that we HAVE TO come to our family. That we have to sit down with them and say, I am gay, are you ok with that?
You don't seem very ecstatic about that either. It may mean that the time is not right yet.

[Mrmatty77]

You know, this may sound strange, but I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Do we really have to have that conversation with our family?
Sharing that "secret" with friends can be nice and uplifting, you stop to feel alone and start to finally feel accepted.
But the family... Why don't just let them discover when the time is right? You will be seen with your bf, or you will bring him home.
This whole coming out to parents seems very humiliating to me, it puts a lot of pressure on us, and even in my head, it implies that something is wrong and I need to confess.
I don't know why we are doing this to ourselves.

Sure, it depends on your family. Maybe coming out to them will be as great as coming out to your friends. But I don't understand that notion that we HAVE TO come to our family. That we have to sit down with them and say, I am gay, are you ok with that?
You don't seem very ecstatic about that either. It may mean that the time is not right yet.

This is exactly the path I am taking. I find very little need to tell anyone what I'm interested in. If I happen to like other men, so be it. No need to run to everyone I know and let them know. What difference would it make in their lives? I never understood why people want everyone to know what gender they find the most attracted to.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Most people who voice homophobic things about us have probably never (knowingly) met a gay person, so they are basing their reactions on what a stereotypical gay male is assumed to be.

Only you will know when the time is right, but as others have said, mums tend to be more intuitive (and sympathetic) than dads, so telling mom first, then dad is usually a good way to go.

The other thing I would say is that at 21 you're still quite young. Unless your already getting the usual type of parental questions regarding getting a girlfriend (a minefield if not handled correctly LoL) then I'd not be in any rush to come out to them. Doesn't make you any less gay, but everyone is different in how they feel about concealing there sexuality from immediate family.

Good luck, and keep us posted on how things go.

ObW
x

[Genersis]

Well, as long as you're not reliant on your parents, you can try telling them.
I'm not sure they're going to be a-ok with it going by what you've listed, but I also doubt they would take it too badly either.

[Genersis]

You know, this may sound strange, but I've been thinking a lot about it lately. Do we really have to have that conversation with our family?
Sharing that "secret" with friends can be nice and uplifting, you stop to feel alone and start to finally feel accepted.
But the family... Why don't just let them discover when the time is right? You will be seen with your bf, or you will bring him home.
This whole coming out to parents seems very humiliating to me, it puts a lot of pressure on us, and even in my head, it implies that something is wrong and I need to confess.
I don't know why we are doing this to ourselves.

Sure, it depends on your family. Maybe coming out to them will be as great as coming out to your friends. But I don't understand that notion that we HAVE TO come to our family. That we have to sit down with them and say, I am gay, are you ok with that?
You don't seem very ecstatic about that either. It may mean that the time is not right yet.

I think it's because most people talk about things like relationships with their parents. Not always by choice either.
Coming out stops the need to avoid any discussion that could reveal ones orientation.

Most people also seek validation from their parents, it's a natural instinct.

Finally, it allows a buffer time, for a parent to get used to the idea of their offspring having relationships with individuals of the same-sex before it actually happens, hopefully avoiding a spontaneous overreaction.

[ChrisH]

The other thing I would say is that at 21 you're still quite young. Unless your already getting the usual type of parental questions regarding getting a girlfriend (a minefield if not handled correctly LoL) then I'd not be in any rush to come out to them. Doesn't make you any less gay, but everyone is different in how they feel about concealing there sexuality from immediate family.

Good luck, and keep us posted on how things go.

ObW
x

I've been getting the third degree about my friends, who are girls, and how they are "girlfriend material"...I simply ignore it and walk out of the room, because it's so awkward.

I am in no definite way ready to come out to my parents, or the rest of my family. My aunts seem to be sympathetic towards LGBT issues, but they're also very communicative with my family. My grandmother thinks that Obama is satanic, and well, you can piece that puzzle together.

As it is right now, I have no choice but to keep my lips sealed for now. Dad's GI Bill transference to me is keeping me in college, and I haven't been employed since I graduated high school a few years ago.