Should I tell him the reason I'm ignoring him or just go on ignoring him?

[TwilightRoamer]

Hey everyone! mile: Just came across this place while searching Google and it doesn't seem like the kind of place where one is likely to be eaten alive, so registering was an easy choice.

I really feel like a miserable person tonight. It seems though no matter how I decide to act towards this guy that I like at work, I feel bad, so I really, really need guidance here. It would be wonderful if I could come to some sort of decision before Friday night, because I'm going to be working with him alone that night for a couple of hours, and there will be several opportunities to talk.

I very much like a guy that I work with. I'm not just physically attracted to him, but I really like his personality, too. On the surface, and I admit I don't know all that there is to know about him, we seem pretty compatible personality-wise. I know it's a corny thing to say and probably unrealistic too, but out of all the guys I've crushed on, it really did feel like love at first sight when I first met and trained him. My feelings for him seem to run deeper than what I felt with my previous crushes.

I know that he likes me a lot. His mother told me so and he thinks it's "awesome" (his word, not mine) when we are scheduled to work together. He's told me he thinks I'm the best among our co-workers and has said I'm the nicest guy he knows. I adore the smile he sends my way.

I used to talk to him nearly every chance I'd get when at work. It felt wonderful to be around him, to joke with him and accomplish stuff with him. Problem was, I would feel so empty and sad when I would leave for the day or he would leave for the day, and not having contact with him would put a damper on the rest of my day. I grew extremely tired of feeling this way month after month, so I decided it was time for me to cut as much contact as possible with him and thus allow the crush to fade.

I feel terrible not saying hi to him or talking to him. I deliberately avoid him whenever possible. I can see it in his stare that he's confused as to what has changed now that the first friend he made at work over a year ago wants as little to do with him as possible. I hate acting that way toward him, but I don't know how to be his friend without wanting more from him than just friendship. I guess I don't have the mental discipline yet to be his friend without having these romantic feelings surface. I don't want to be drawn to him. I don't want unrealistic thoughts of the two of us together clouding my mind and making me depressed, so I did what I thought was best and just stopped paying any attention to him. I still feel terrible.

I believed it was important for me to stop hanging around him at work because I felt the odds of him liking me the way I like him were slim to none. I fell for him before I knew he had a girlfriend. When he had a girlfriend, he never mentioned her to me at all and I had to learn about it from someone else. This might be a heck of a lot easier on me if he still had a girlfriend, but recently I overheard someone say that he broke it off with her, which I was surprised by, because even though I never saw her, I (again) overheard that she was really pretty. To make it even harder for me to forget him, when I did ask him one night if he was at all interested in guys, he didn't give me a yes or no answer, but rather went on to say how he liked everybody at work, which didn't make much sense as an answer. I don't know if he was just trying to spare my feelings (he knows I'm gay) or if he didn't want to address the question. I do know that while he considers one other gay guy at work "weird", he got along great with another gay guy that recently transferred.

I don't know if I should use Friday night as an opportunity to apologize to him for my behavior and try my best to explain to him why I can't be around him any more or just continue to pay as little attention to him as possible and eventually we'll both get over it. On one hand, I kind of feel he has a right to know why I'm essentially ignoring him, but on the other hand, I don't know how awkward me revealing my crush for him might make things when we do come into contact at work. I would be so incredibly furious with myself if later in life, I learned that he did feel the same way about me and I ended up missing out on a relationship with a seemingly wonderful guy. I shouldn't be so hung up on this, really. I mean, I actually have nothing at all to lose by telling him since neither one of us is "above" the other at work and I have resisted his offers to hang out, so it's not like my life outside of work would be impacted.

So what's holding me back from essentially resolving this? Is it because deep down, I somehow know his answer won't be what I want to hear or is it just plain fear? I'm either not thinking clearly or I'm over thinking this, so hopefully hearing from others that have good heads on their shoulders will help me to make sense of what to do.

Thanks in advance.

[Counselor]

Not all straight guys are homophobic. In the last year, I've found three guys (two that I worked with) among my friends that liked me as a person, with no confusion involved.

Your coworker sounds like a great guy to be friends with, especially if he knows you're gay and has no problem with it. He may even have expected you to develop a crush before you made things awkward. If he's the kind of guy I think he is, a likely response would be for him to say he's flattered, with no weird tension.

Edit: that last part is assuming you apologize and fess up to the reasons for shutting him down.

[Blue]

Just use Friday to be honest and apologize to him. Worst case you get shot down, best case you make the equivalent t of a fag hag in a male friend - yes guys can be that too.

[Counselor]

Just use Friday to be honest and apologize to him. Worst case you get shot down, best case you make the equivalent t of a fag hag in a male friend - yes guys can be that too.

My Broham would be SUPER depressed if I started calling him a "male fag hag".

[MisterTinkles]

WHY do we love to torture ourselves like this?

Im being brutally honest here, so if you cant take brutal honesty, then dont read anything below.

You are a grown man using 3rd grader tactics. "I like him SO much, Im not going to talk to him".
Really? This is why he's giving you confused looks....apparently you seemed like a regular guy to him and you both hit it off, and then all of a sudden you're playing child mentality games on him? Grow up.

If you want to attract a decent person, you yourself have to be a decent person. Acting like this is NOT acting like a decent person.

I would suggest you think long and hard on how you want to do this. If he turns you down, this could make for a stressful work environment. But he doesnt sound like that type from your description.

If you want to talk to him, invite him to a movie and lunch or dinner or something. Go out and have a nice time, then talk. Dont do it at work, unless HE brings it up. Always approach these things on neutral territory.

Tell him you really like him and you like being around him. Tell him what traits you find attractive about him (funny, witty, understanding, laid back....whatever they are). Once you have finished, listen to what he says....not what you WANT to hear from him, but what he actually says. That will give you the foundation for your next level of action.

Dont be a 3rd grader. Look at him in passing, say "HI", acknowledge him somehow....dont be a toddler.
If he asks why you have been "acting " this way, just say you werent feeling well. Not an actual lie, but not the whole truth either.

Whatever you do...dont push it. You have to ask yourself if you would want to be friends if he wasnt interested "that" way in you. If you push it, rush it, or act desperate, this could ruin even just being friends.

Just be calm and polite and speak your mind in an adult manner.

After all, once you've said something...at least you will finally know how he feels, one way or the other.


Good luck.

[bluefox4000]

If it were me.....i'd get it all out i hate tip toeing around.

Mick

[Rainbowmum]

Take the opportunity to be honest with him on Friday.
Try to stay his friend it's very rare for two people to click right off the bat.

I am sure he will relieved to hear that he has not done anything to make you act cold towards him.

[pellaz]

be as honest as you can at work, if your not out at work dont do it for this person.

[Mitch]

What else can I say,

WHY do we love to torture ourselves like this?

Im being brutally honest here, so if you cant take brutal honesty, then dont read anything below.

You are a grown man using 3rd grader tactics. "I like him SO much, Im not going to talk to him".
Really? This is why he's giving you confused looks....apparently you seemed like a regular guy to him and you both hit it off, and then all of a sudden you're playing child mentality games on him? Grow up.

If you want to attract a decent person, you yourself have to be a decent person. Acting like this is NOT acting like a decent person.

I would suggest you think long and hard on how you want to do this. If he turns you down, this could make for a stressful work environment. But he doesnt sound like that type from your description.

If you want to talk to him, invite him to a movie and lunch or dinner or something. Go out and have a nice time, then talk. Dont do it at work, unless HE brings it up. Always approach these things on neutral territory.

Tell him you really like him and you like being around him. Tell him what traits you find attractive about him (funny, witty, understanding, laid back....whatever they are). Once you have finished, listen to what he says....not what you WANT to hear from him, but what he actually says. That will give you the foundation for your next level of action.

Dont be a 3rd grader. Look at him in passing, say "HI", acknowledge him somehow....dont be a toddler.
If he asks why you have been "acting " this way, just say you werent feeling well. Not an actual lie, but not the whole truth either.

Whatever you do...dont push it. You have to ask yourself if you would want to be friends if he wasnt interested "that" way in you. If you push it, rush it, or act desperate, this could ruin even just being friends.

Just be calm and polite and speak your mind in an adult manner.

After all, once you've said something...at least you will finally know how he feels, one way or the other.


Good luck.

[Mitch]

Sorry for multipost,(I didn't want to drag)


I kind of was in the same type of relationship in college, he was a nice friend, he was a playboy if I may say, and he just came up on me hugging and squishing and what not, so i kind of felt something for him, so I did the same, Ignored him, he kept asking what was wrong, i couldn't tell him but ignore him more, untill I consumed myself so much that I wanted to burst out my feelings to the whole world, but then, I made up my mind and started teasing him like I used to, sat with him alone and told him I had feelings for him, he gave me a huge laugh, hugged me, and damn it, everything was so fine. he even came to my place, I never wanted to have sex with him though(unless I saw him bare chested, HAIR! O.O! <3) but then oh well, i grew over the his hair xD and we became good friends, and still are, when ever I need a hug or squishy I meet him up ;D


I am telling you this because, by the way you have explained this person you have crush on, seems to me the same sort, someone who would love you for who you are, but god knows the devil that resides in him D: