A Saddened Heart <3
01-24-2013, 10:49 AM
Hello everyone,
Before I go any further please be advised that I am not trying to be selfish or that all I want is everything. I know exactly how I feel and what I type. So here goes nothing.
I've been with my High school sweetheart for already 9 years. I'm a 24 year old male and he is 29 years old. Our relationship right now is wonderful. We do almost everything together from playing video games (Tekken Tag or World of warcraft), we enjoy the same kind of things and have the same goals in life. We have the same friends and both our families have accepted us into their hearts as their sons. The thought of marriage has never occurred to us since our love is already pure. I on the other hand have never experienced anything with no other man besides him. Immediately after I broke up with my girlfriend in high school he came and swooped me into his arms. I did lie to him about my age since I had a fake I.D. Shortly within a month I confessed my true age which was just the brink of 16. He was already 20 years old. He was upset but we were already 3 months into the relationship. He ended up staying by my side. We've been living together since December 2004. We've been living alone since then. I already knew from the get go that I would have to rise up and mature to be at his level of maturity. We are the type of gay men that can sit down with each other have a glass of wine and enjoy the little things in life. He buys me whatever I want and provides me with security. Our sex life is not dead nor is it bad. It toned down a bit from earlier years but that is just common for the amount of time we've been together. So in a sense our sex life is not boring or dreadful. He is a down man for me and will not let me go down without a fight. In 2005 I ended up in a police run because I was speeding in the residential area and the cops were doing an investigation at a nearby neighbors house. I ended up doing a speed chase and eventually ditched the cops til my car died from the drastic turn I made. As the car died I was 1 house short from our place where I wanted to park our car in back of our house. However, the car couldn't start and the cops eventually pulled up and spotted the car. I had some marijuana on me and was scared to death because at the time I did not have a license. Being concerned he told me to go inside and jumped in the car as I watched the cops pull him out and force him to the ground. I was torn to pieces knowing that he could lose everything because I was to scared to fuss up to my crime. They ended up letting him go because my mother-in-law was one of the high ranker in the forensic department and it turned out my uncle was one of the cops conducting the investigation. I was so scared. At that moment though all I could think about was losing him and how it would devastate me if I couldn't see him any more. That said, he would lie for me and take the rap for me. He truly is a man. I on the other hand was the coward. Over the next few years we've been enjoying our lives, small petty arguments would never phase us. When we had big arguments we could never ever go to bed mad. In fact, we've never been separated more than 1 day. When he occasionally sleeps at my in-laws. I still get so much feeling and find him very attractive when I look at him near and far. I know he feels the same. Jealousy is something we have full control of. When we go out to the gay bars or hangouts we both get hit on but still stay true to one another. He thinks of me and I think of him every holiday. This Christmas he payed of my 2010 car and bought me my motorcycle of my dreams and bought me a new place we could call home. His life insurance and everything is all under my name. He loves me I know it. We never go a day without saying "I love You" we never end a phone conversation without saying "I love you" and we never depart ways without saying "I love you". I never cook but I do all the cleaning. I could honestly say he is everything a man could ever be. To show our love to the world he bought both of us custom made rings that gleam whether it be day or night. He agrees to almost everything I say, as do I. He always puts my love on top before anything else, as do I. Prior to me he had 1 ex-boyfriend, who ended becoming an acquaintance of mine, but he also had multiple sex partners when he was younger. 18,19 or so. We had an HIV test and std testing done and everything came out negative. He writes me letters and calls me up all the time with jokes and silly perversions that make me smile and giggle. He also really molded me to the man I am today. I'll be graduating from college with my law degree (I know right) and he already has a successful job. He really helped me make a lot of great decisions throughout my life and I could see this going on for more years to come. On random times he'll open up his arms and tuck me in them tightly as he tell me "I love you". I truly believe he places my needs before him, as I do. Again which is why I believe he is wonderful inside and out. The thing is I've been really feeling lately like I'm alone. All of our friends are all straight men and women (Lesbians included <3). Maybe I just need a gay friend to talk to about stuff IDK! I've been having strong vivid dreams of other men. They feel so real. When I wake up I'm left with wondering if it's my mind telling me to try something new. I understand that it's up to me on how I must act upon it. I just can take it no more. I try to tell myself everything will be ok and I have brought this up to him and he has been nothing but comforting to me. Is this because I committed to early? Am I trying to fill a piece of my life that was never there? Do I want to experience other thing? I dare not dwell in those emotion nor those questions. I asked him If I could try to go out by myself for some time and he agreed. So on a weekend I went out to a nearby gay bar and as I walked in attention fluttered my way. A feeling I got when I first met him. Men came up to me and asked if I was single, offered me drinks, and asked for a dance. I could only refuse them because I could not bare the thought of my hands and body inches to another man. Am I just scared to be with another? Attention was not what I was looking for. I'll admit though It made me feel sexy. I'm not going to say I'm hot or whatever the common gay slang is now and days. I'll just say that me and my other are young attractive men. When I came home he was asleep and I laid quietly down next to him and held him tightly because I was scared of the feeling I got. Why do I feel this way? I don't understand why I'm feeling these feelings. He provides me everything I need physically, emotionally, sexually, and mentally. I spoke to a close friend who is straight and he says that maybe I committed to early and now the maturity wall that I had up is starting to crumble and that I somehow want to fill the pieces I lost during my early commitment. Did I commit to early that I should have experienced everything else before committing? Am I just acting like a child? My love is so pure. I don't want to taint it. When I look at other single people I think of the fun they have not needing to let someone know when they are going and all the single stuff people do. On the downside, I also see that they eventually are going to want to be wanted and loved. I know it seems like my life's a mess or that I'm just a whiny spoiled brat and that I don't see when something that's good. I just want to be sure that I never hurt him. He does not deserve that kind of pain in his life. He's to good of a MAN... I grow sadder and sadder everyday, but I can't shake the feeling of wondering what if? So please someone if you've been in this situation or similar or just have advice I would gladly appreciate it. I know god sent me an angel but the devil keeps trying to draw me closer to the dark side. Again I know it's all on how you act upon it and the decisions you make as a person. However, I'm only human and I know that somehow our desires want to leave our bodies and creep into our minds.
Before I go any further please be advised that I am not trying to be selfish or that all I want is everything. I know exactly how I feel and what I type. So here goes nothing.
I've been with my High school sweetheart for already 9 years. I'm a 24 year old male and he is 29 years old. Our relationship right now is wonderful. We do almost everything together from playing video games (Tekken Tag or World of warcraft), we enjoy the same kind of things and have the same goals in life. We have the same friends and both our families have accepted us into their hearts as their sons. The thought of marriage has never occurred to us since our love is already pure. I on the other hand have never experienced anything with no other man besides him. Immediately after I broke up with my girlfriend in high school he came and swooped me into his arms. I did lie to him about my age since I had a fake I.D. Shortly within a month I confessed my true age which was just the brink of 16. He was already 20 years old. He was upset but we were already 3 months into the relationship. He ended up staying by my side. We've been living together since December 2004. We've been living alone since then. I already knew from the get go that I would have to rise up and mature to be at his level of maturity. We are the type of gay men that can sit down with each other have a glass of wine and enjoy the little things in life. He buys me whatever I want and provides me with security. Our sex life is not dead nor is it bad. It toned down a bit from earlier years but that is just common for the amount of time we've been together. So in a sense our sex life is not boring or dreadful. He is a down man for me and will not let me go down without a fight. In 2005 I ended up in a police run because I was speeding in the residential area and the cops were doing an investigation at a nearby neighbors house. I ended up doing a speed chase and eventually ditched the cops til my car died from the drastic turn I made. As the car died I was 1 house short from our place where I wanted to park our car in back of our house. However, the car couldn't start and the cops eventually pulled up and spotted the car. I had some marijuana on me and was scared to death because at the time I did not have a license. Being concerned he told me to go inside and jumped in the car as I watched the cops pull him out and force him to the ground. I was torn to pieces knowing that he could lose everything because I was to scared to fuss up to my crime. They ended up letting him go because my mother-in-law was one of the high ranker in the forensic department and it turned out my uncle was one of the cops conducting the investigation. I was so scared. At that moment though all I could think about was losing him and how it would devastate me if I couldn't see him any more. That said, he would lie for me and take the rap for me. He truly is a man. I on the other hand was the coward. Over the next few years we've been enjoying our lives, small petty arguments would never phase us. When we had big arguments we could never ever go to bed mad. In fact, we've never been separated more than 1 day. When he occasionally sleeps at my in-laws. I still get so much feeling and find him very attractive when I look at him near and far. I know he feels the same. Jealousy is something we have full control of. When we go out to the gay bars or hangouts we both get hit on but still stay true to one another. He thinks of me and I think of him every holiday. This Christmas he payed of my 2010 car and bought me my motorcycle of my dreams and bought me a new place we could call home. His life insurance and everything is all under my name. He loves me I know it. We never go a day without saying "I love You" we never end a phone conversation without saying "I love you" and we never depart ways without saying "I love you". I never cook but I do all the cleaning. I could honestly say he is everything a man could ever be. To show our love to the world he bought both of us custom made rings that gleam whether it be day or night. He agrees to almost everything I say, as do I. He always puts my love on top before anything else, as do I. Prior to me he had 1 ex-boyfriend, who ended becoming an acquaintance of mine, but he also had multiple sex partners when he was younger. 18,19 or so. We had an HIV test and std testing done and everything came out negative. He writes me letters and calls me up all the time with jokes and silly perversions that make me smile and giggle. He also really molded me to the man I am today. I'll be graduating from college with my law degree (I know right) and he already has a successful job. He really helped me make a lot of great decisions throughout my life and I could see this going on for more years to come. On random times he'll open up his arms and tuck me in them tightly as he tell me "I love you". I truly believe he places my needs before him, as I do. Again which is why I believe he is wonderful inside and out. The thing is I've been really feeling lately like I'm alone. All of our friends are all straight men and women (Lesbians included <3). Maybe I just need a gay friend to talk to about stuff IDK! I've been having strong vivid dreams of other men. They feel so real. When I wake up I'm left with wondering if it's my mind telling me to try something new. I understand that it's up to me on how I must act upon it. I just can take it no more. I try to tell myself everything will be ok and I have brought this up to him and he has been nothing but comforting to me. Is this because I committed to early? Am I trying to fill a piece of my life that was never there? Do I want to experience other thing? I dare not dwell in those emotion nor those questions. I asked him If I could try to go out by myself for some time and he agreed. So on a weekend I went out to a nearby gay bar and as I walked in attention fluttered my way. A feeling I got when I first met him. Men came up to me and asked if I was single, offered me drinks, and asked for a dance. I could only refuse them because I could not bare the thought of my hands and body inches to another man. Am I just scared to be with another? Attention was not what I was looking for. I'll admit though It made me feel sexy. I'm not going to say I'm hot or whatever the common gay slang is now and days. I'll just say that me and my other are young attractive men. When I came home he was asleep and I laid quietly down next to him and held him tightly because I was scared of the feeling I got. Why do I feel this way? I don't understand why I'm feeling these feelings. He provides me everything I need physically, emotionally, sexually, and mentally. I spoke to a close friend who is straight and he says that maybe I committed to early and now the maturity wall that I had up is starting to crumble and that I somehow want to fill the pieces I lost during my early commitment. Did I commit to early that I should have experienced everything else before committing? Am I just acting like a child? My love is so pure. I don't want to taint it. When I look at other single people I think of the fun they have not needing to let someone know when they are going and all the single stuff people do. On the downside, I also see that they eventually are going to want to be wanted and loved. I know it seems like my life's a mess or that I'm just a whiny spoiled brat and that I don't see when something that's good. I just want to be sure that I never hurt him. He does not deserve that kind of pain in his life. He's to good of a MAN... I grow sadder and sadder everyday, but I can't shake the feeling of wondering what if? So please someone if you've been in this situation or similar or just have advice I would gladly appreciate it. I know god sent me an angel but the devil keeps trying to draw me closer to the dark side. Again I know it's all on how you act upon it and the decisions you make as a person. However, I'm only human and I know that somehow our desires want to leave our bodies and creep into our minds.
![[-]](https://gayspeak.com/images/duende_v3_local/collapse.png)
