Having trouble meeting gay men...health issues in the way

[Steve1860]

Hi All,

I am to GS hoping to establish friends in the gay community. I have never been one to "get around" because I am shy and have been (to quote a few people in my past, "too honest". I have always said what i felt in the moment and that apparently scared people away. I never learned to play the games that seem necessary to date guys. In my 52 years, I have dated about 15 guys and that means dating them for up to 10 days...what I call an "extended trick".

I was born and raised in the Los Angeles area and when I reached a reasonably suitable age, I started going to bars in Hollywood and West Hollywood. I always went with friends and was always the one that wanted to leave at about midnight (when things were starting to get going). In any case, I was used to being out...it was easy there in a very gay environment. At 26 (1986), I moved to D.C. and sought out the gay groups and places there. I felt most comfortable in that environment even though I didn't really fit the "gay lifestyle". In 1991, I moved to Baltimore and again found the gay people there are made friends and in the 12 years that I was there, I probably dated about 4 guys...unsuccessfully.

In 2003 I moved to Oregon to a small town. This was after my dad died and I wanted to be closer to family. Once I moved here, my mom moved from southern Oregon to where I am living in the middle of the Willamette Valley. We had plans to buy a place with some land to have a small self sustaining farm. Well, before that could happen, my mom was diagnosed with cancer and died in late 2005.

Besides being a huge blow, having both parents die within 2 and a half years of each other and both at 69 years old. It is so strange that all of the family on both sides lived into their 90s. My moms parents even went to her memorial service. Her mother died a in 2009, but my granddad is still living at 99.

Well, that basically explains how I got here. I was tired of living in the big cities and wanted a slower lifestyle and had always been attracted to family farms from when I was a kid.

Since I am disabled (since 1994) I was still able to do most things. After my mom died, I took the last bit of money in 2006 I bought a place on a 1/2 acre in the county where I could have farm animals. Not large ones, but I loved goats and so I got 3 of them and chickens and peafowl, and ducks and turkeys. I had a great garden for the first two years I was here.

This place wasn't where I wanted to live because it was too close to the city, but it was what I could afford.

In the 6+ years that I have been here, my health has deteriorated to the point where I had to give up my farm animals. I haven't had a garden for the past 2 years because I just couldn't do the work necessary to keep it up properly.

I have a whole list of diagnosis, both physiological and psychological. My psychological issues are primarily major depression and an anxiety disorder that brings on panic attacks. This has caused me to become more and more house bound. My fibromyalgia and arthritis combined with my angina has made it virtually impossible to do the things I came out here to do and that is have a farm.

One bad thing about living here is that I have had to go back into the closet... something that I haven't been in since high school. I really hate that. I don't mean that i want to put a gay flag on my porch and wear streamers going down the street, but I feel like I have to watch everything I say and make sure I don't look at someone too long. I pretty much stay to myself and have little contact with anyone.

I am lonely here and although I have my 4 dogs, 3 Golden Retrievers and a Pitbull mix, I get lonely for human contact. My dogs are my kids and in allot of ways, if I didn't have them, I wouldn't have any reason for being here.

I have always wanted to have a LTR with someone, but it never happened. As much as I try to get that out of my mind, It still pops up now and then and is a real pain. In some ways I wish I could be like my dad was that last 8 years of his life and be a hermit, not needing and outside contact. I just can't seem to do that.

I have tried to meet gay men around here when i first moved here, but they are in the larger cities like Salem or Eugene and besides the fact that they are a distance away, they are cities and I don't want to be in a city.

I have meet a few gay people here and they say that there are gay people around here, but most are couples and they are "hidden out in the country".

I am trying to meet gay men to be friends with...guys that I don't have to watch what I say and guys that inherently understand where I am coming from when it comes to being gay.

I haven't had luck with gay sites on the net. Most of them are just pick up sites and although I have my fantasies about illicit sex, I don't think I could do it in reality.

I guess I am too old fashioned and too much of a romantic at heart to be comfortable with that. In some ways , having NSA sex would be easy, but I just have never been able to do that comfortably...especially now that I am older.

I also like younger men and that is an issue. I am sexually attracted to them, but there is a marked generation gap. I like older people...even into their 90s for friends...they have lived so much and have so much to offer, but I am not sexually attracted to them.

I don't know what to do at this point. I am not young (the magic thing that is necessary in the gay world it seems) and I am "damaged goods" not that I have the health limitations that I have.

I have gone on too lone for an introduction, but if you have any thoughts, I would be interested in hearing them.

Thank you for your time.

Steven

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Hi Steven!

Welcome to Gayspeak!

I have concluded I have no useful information at this time to help you. My advice is pretty lame today.

I'm certain others will come along with useful advise and suggestions.

Just to let you know, it is possible to have health conditions and find a mate. The trick is to start off looking for friends only. :biggrin:

[Steve1860]

Hi Bowyn Aerrow,

Thank you for the welcome and you honesty about my situation. I agree that finding friends is the best for right now. I just need to find them and that is very hard in a rural area and also when you have panic attacks just leaving the house to go to the market.

I am a very logical person and I know, based on logic, that this is completely illogical, but I also know that what I go through during a panic attack is very real and it is something that I cannot control..I have tried in many ways.

Just imagine that someone is going to forcibly going to put your hand in an aquarium full of rattlesnakes. I don't have a problem with snakes, but one's with fangs and venom would be something I would avoid like the plague and then have someone else forcing the issue where I am not in control would make me freak out.

Anyway, Thank you again for your post. I hope others will respond.

Best wishes,

Steven

[Spades]

Hi Steven and welcome to GS!

As I read your post I teared up a bit because I can relate to your story in so many ways; disabled, depressed and living in a place with no gays (or not the kind that would date, just a shag).

In my experience, this site is a great place to connect with guys, to talk, laugh and cry.

I wish you all of the best and that you find great people to chat with

BJ

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Steven,

I know what panic attacks are like - keenly I have had 'my days'.

And rural living is hard living no matter who you are when it comes to social activities. Been there, done that too.

I would suggest relationship sites, but I never used them. I think OK cupid is one that is just relationships, not hook-ups. Yes I understand a lot of those 'gay dating' sites are largely hook-up sites.

Try looking for 'just friends' on sites like that.

To give hope, I recently found a good solid man here on GaySpeak. I wasn't looking mind you, we started off as friends and over the course of six months and lots and lots and lots of pms, emails and other communication lines we discovered that from like grew love.

Neither of us are perfect, he has diabetes and a few 'issues' - I have epilepsy, Seasonal affected disorder, a touch of PTSD, walk on a cane occasionally (more often as time goes by), chronic pain... We are realistic about these things, but being of the same age (46) we are old enough and wise enough to know it comes with the territory.

So stuff like this can happen where you least expect it. When you least expect it.

You might want to find other gay-tolerant sites that meet your fancy for hobbies, such as gardening sites, animal husbandry sites and put it on your profile that you are gay, but not make a huge deal out of it. Look for friends - can't have to many of those, and if the seed is planted just right it may grow into love.

Hi Bowyn Aerrow,

Thank you for the welcome and you honesty about my situation. I agree that finding friends is the best for right now. I just need to find them and that is very hard in a rural area and also when you have panic attacks just leaving the house to go to the market.

I am a very logical person and I know, based on logic, that this is completely illogical, but I also know that what I go through during a panic attack is very real and it is something that I cannot control..I have tried in many ways.

Just imagine that someone is going to forcibly going to put your hand in an aquarium full of rattlesnakes. I don't have a problem with snakes, but one's with fangs and venom would be something I would avoid like the plague and then have someone else forcing the issue where I am not in control would make me freak out.

Anyway, Thank you again for your post. I hope others will respond.

Best wishes,

Steven

[HomeagainNYC]

Hi Steve1860 and welcome.

I, like you, have some of the same issues as it relates to being isolated due to geography location. I get it – as do others here that find themselves in similar situations.

You have shared a variety of condition – psychological - physical – geographical - that have converged to create a difficult situation for you.

From my experience if you take a large problem and break it down into smaller ones it much easier to resolve.

Bowyn Aerrow suggestion that “The trick is to start off looking for friends only” is spot on. However, based on you follow up post you share that your main obstacle to achieving that goal is your panic attacks that seem to be morphing into Agoraphobia. That coupled with depression and isolation is a very heavy load to carry.

The pain cause by fibromyalgia and arthritis are a known contributing factor to the psychological problems you have described – not to mention never knowing when you might have an angina attack and the feelings of isolation. Scary indeed. But, you may have more control than you think over the psychological issues you shared.

Are you actively addressing your psychological issues? By yourself or with a professional? If not - that would be a good first step; if yes-are you seeing any signs of light on the horizon- do you have a professional who you can relate to? I only suggest this because doing nothing will only exacerbate the trio of issues into a whole new animal as time goes by.

These of course are personal question for which I do not expect an answer but just life experience - ideas/suggestions/observations.

Making progress in this area might amaze you how the physical and geographical issues might start to look and feel different, in a more positive way. It will make it easier to get out and about and not feel that something bad is going to happen and that you are not in control.

I really wish you all the luck – in finding the best way, for you, to manage where you are and where you are going. There are many people out there who want to help - you just need to let them know where you are.

[Steve1860]

Hi,

Thank you all for your responses. I have put a link to a pdf file showing all of my working diagnosis and medications that I have to take to give you a better idea of what I am up against. I was going to attach it, but the system would allow that.

The link is:

http://home.centurytel.net/kiaya611/Medi...NEWEST.pdf

I am not currently seeing a psychiatrist because the one that I was seeing was put on In Patient and Teaching only. I was Out Patient. Because it is rural here, there are not many psychiatrists or psychologists out here.

I have seen psychiatrists and psychologists off and on most of my life. Since a little before 1994 when I went on disability, I have been seeing all of my doctors frequently.

I wouldn't normally share this, but I will to illustrate how bad my panic attacks are and their consequences.

Since I have Crohns Disease and other GI problems, when I get anxious, I have an urgent and immediate need to use the bathroom (#2). If I don't get to one in less that a couple of minutes (sometimes literally less than 1 minute), I will have a very embarrassing mess to deal with.

One time, I was coming home from one of my doctors about 30 miles away and I had a panic attack because of traffic. I couldn't get out of my truck and go off of the side of the running board as have had to do many times, so I ended up sitting in feces for a half hour until I got home where I had to clean myself up and wash my clothes. It wasn't the end of the world and I got through it, but that event and others like it have caused avoidance behavior. That is where the agoraphobia comes in. It is extremely embarrassing and I don't like having the possibility of something like that happening in public.

As you can imagine, being nervous about meeting guys in the first place, that will cause the scene I described above. Most people I have found, are not interested in dealing with a person with the kind of "baggage" I have. It is much easier to find someone that doesn't have the issues that I have.

I haven't touched a man since May of 2002 except perhaps to shake their hand. In May, that will be 11 years. That is a long time not to have intimate human contact. I have needs like everybody else does. Mine are not as strong, but they are still there. I have even thought of going to book stores or hooking up online, but I am just to nervous about doing something like that. It is great in a fantasy, but in reality, I don't think I could do something like that.

I guess I am putting all of my cards on the table here...that is pretty much how I am and probably why I haven't met anyone even when I had less issues to deal with.

Thank you for listening.

Steven

[Dan1980]

Hi Steven welcome to GS

[Kat]

Hey Steven, never easy making new friends when you live in the boondocks. I know one of my friends does too, he's got some minor disabilities and, PTSD - he gets a little nervous when my kids get too crazy around him but it's really good for my kids to learn how to be around people that need them to make allowance.

There are a few good social sites, and maybe local interest groups you could get involved with.

[James]

Hello and welcome to gs, never give up even when the Govt is considering making pain meds harder to come by, my present partner, when he gets out of jail, (feb 12) is 40 years my junoir, also bi which makes life interesting, understand ptsd, was nuts for 5 years after getting back from nam, got help and it got better, agree that you should look for friends first and you never know what will develope from that. But the more people you know the more possibilities present themselves. Take care of yourself, Jim