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[Bowyn Aerrow]

BlueMoods

6:45 PM

That's simple, iI like being needed but can't really have anyone. Survivors are always needy if you know what they need. So i get you for a while then disappear or dump you at a safe place. No harm, you get out of a bad place and I get to pretend I matter to you for a while.

Now go away iI am deleting your email address and reporting any more as spam. GET LOST it's over.

^^^ That is the email I got in reply when I asked 'why' things are going 'badly'.

There is a lot more to this story... Its been one hell of a twisted, tormented ride since Saturday.

He managed to gain my trust to talk about my childhood over the months. Then this week has turned it around and given me quite the fright. In case no one figured it out, I am a survivor of some pretty terrible shit. Ritual abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse - you name it I most likely had it done to me.

For years I worked on a lot of things, got myself to be able to sleep without waking up in a cold sweat from nightmares or worse screaming. Well I'm awake now and scared to go back to sleep. The past 3 nights and this one have been nightmare fest with ancient wounds ripped wide open. I screamed so loud it scared the dogs last night. I just woke up a few minutes ago once again, screaming.

I'm paranoid of everyone... haven't been there since before 1994. I literally can't keep food down, extremely jumpy and the worst of it, his methods are mind-games very similar to what my mother and her friends would do with us kids.

Apparently he likes to work on Ritual Abuse Survivors. At http://www.fortrefuge.com/ he took my story as his own and was working on a member there, she said things that only I and he knew...

I already clued in the Site administrator there of his doings, and I have been in contact with Andy here and he confirmed a suspicion or two I have had.

This guy didn't just break my heart - no he went about gaining my trust then purposefully, maliciously putting me through a nightmare for I guess shits and giggles.

Any of you survivors here, be on the look out. Don't trust anyone here or anywhere else. I suspect Blue and people like Blue have many profiles at many places and purposefully seek us out.

From what I understand this is no means the first time this guy has done this. He has many aliases, a criminal history along with a history of drug abuse and other such things.

[zeon]

Oh boywn I am really sorry to hear blue has done this *hugz* I am so sorry to hear about the abuse also you went through.. Please take as much time as you need to get yourself back as you were and dont feel frightened to work with us here as we will help you along the way to rebuilding yourself.. Abuse especially from a younger age can haunt well into adulthood.. Blue may have broken one of the pillars in life but the building itself is still standing which shows its still strong and your still strong and overtime we can fix the little cracks again to help ya out mista...

remember anything that is bothering you just log on and post it as it is getting it out your system you dont need to feel worry about doing it because at the end of the day we always have and always will stick by one another through difficult times any member is experiencing

big hugz and kindest regards

Aunty Zeon xxx
Gayspeak Agony aunt

[Genersis]

Ugh.
Well aint that fucking great.:frown:

Why does this sound familiar...I remember another member having a falling out with another because of malicious intentions. It was before my membership here though, so I only saw bits and pieces of the story in old threads.

I'm sorry Bowyn...I wish I'd known...

[Lilitu]

Oh my goodness... This is such a shock...
I really don't know how to react to this. Blue had always seemed so ordinary, and innocuous. I guess you just cannot ever know someone until they betray you

I can hardly imagine what you're going through Bowyn. We're all here, but I wish we could be closer to help you through this not just through type. )-;

This whole trouble has really been at the back of my mind lurking. I can't say that I feel for you without seeming insincere, but I do sympathise with you.

Know that we'll be here no matter what, and there are lots of us. You'll get out of this mess, and you will not be victimised any more. Remember at this point, you're the most important thing to you. Take care of yourself Ask for help. This is just like an illness, you'll get over it once everything around you aligns back to normal.

It's all about you now, everyone's gonna help you

[cardiganwearer]

Bowyn Aerrow I didn't post on the other thread. So let me say here you have my sympathy, horrible thing to happen.

That said I can't help noticing from a quick look round that you're posting elsewhere on the boards without a trace of rancour or ill will and being quite cheerful and retaining your sound judgement. Makes me think you have your shit sufficiently together to get through this. If that's just a mask, keep doing it anyway, we are very much defined by what we actually do, which often leads the way in what we actually feel.

If it were me I'd probably be posting complete poison all over this site (who said 'no change there then', own up?) out of spite and revenge.

Lilitu got it right, it is all about you now. Chin up!

[Kat]

I was so stupid to trust Blue he lied from the minute I met him and used what I said against Bowyn Aerrow and others use my computer when he was here and that was a lot with a logical but now I know a lie for why he didn't use the dial up he had where he lived.

I'm so sorry Bowny Aerrow if I knew he was doing that to you right under my nose I would have tried to stop him or at least warned you if I had even known who you were beyond what the jackass told me. I was so blind and let him break someone that should never have to go through this stuff again. I'm Sorry Bowyn Aerrow, so sorry for being so stupid and blind and fearful.

I don't have a lot and can't do a lot but I'll do all I can to help you Bowyn Aerrow because I was blind and let him hurt one of my own and because I know this kind of pain too and because I have to try to make up for my stupidity in ever trusting him and what that did to you and others.

I'm praying and crying for you Bowyn Aerrow.

[Lalo]

Wow...I am a total newbie to this site and don't really know the whole background, but I am sorry that this happened, Bowyn.

[Spades]

I think he might have tried the same thing with me I never gave our conversations much thought, but with what you told us, in retrospect...

[Jay]

Bowyn, I had sort of same experience as yours. I was deceived by a man on Gayspeak too. But it wasn't based on relationship.

Few years ago, a man claimed to be homeless and requested for help in this forum. I volunteered to help. I sent him money and a box of clothes, belt, undies, toothbrush etc. You name it. We kept in touch via phones and emails. I was elated to help this lad. I thought I was going to help a homeless man to start a new life.

One day he just disappeared with zero update.

It drove me insane. I was worried sick for him. I thought he had an accident etc. I tried not to think the worst of him.

Two wonderful friends in Gayspeak helped me by trying to trace this homeless lad. We found his house. We traced the library where he always stopped by. I was informed by US postal office that the homeless man did receive my parcel and money.

We searched him for weeks. If not months.

I eventually found the answer. The answer (still) makes my skin crawl. I don't want to elaborate but he is currently in prison. That's what I have been told.

I had trouble to grasp the truth. I lived in fear for months as he has my contact number etc. I kept denying the truth and tried to convince the other Gayspeak friends (Who helped me) that I wasn't living in denial.

I was hurt. I felt like being stabbed with a knife multiple of times. I had so many questions in mind. I wanted to know why he did such thing to me. Why did he lie? and such.

I received a lot of messages from Gayspeak members asking for the homeless man. "How is he doing? Is there any update?"

I had no idea how to answer them. I was embarrassed. I simply told them, "I don't know."

I kept this story to myself for years. Only those who helped me know this story. I honestly have no intention to tell anyone else this story but seeing what you've went through, I just had to share my story. My story and yours can be a lesson to others in this forum.

I had to live a hard life for months because of what he did. I think you will too. But I can assure you that life will eventually and slowly go back to its normal track. But under one condition - You have to forgive and let go. You shouldn't think too much and go depress on this unfortunate incident. The more depressed you become, the more triumph he will get out of you. That so called homeless man doesn't stop me from continuing to help others. Blue shouldn't stop you from living your life and finding true love.

I bet Blue is watching your every move in Gayspeak right now. I bet he reads this thread too. I cannot imagine how painful is it for you right now but DO NOT EVER fall and admit defeat on the hands of Blue. That's exactly what he wants to see from you. Bowyn, you went through a lot. You have survived and won. You can go through this too. You were born to be a fighter.

P/S: By the way, if you stop by at my country. Drop me a message. I can take you sightseeing and treat you a cup of coffee.

[HomeagainNYC]

Bowyn Aerrow

That said I can't help noticing from a quick look round that you're posting elsewhere on the boards without a trace of rancour or ill will and being quite cheerful and retaining your sound judgement. Makes me think you have your shit sufficiently together to get through this. If that's just a mask, keep doing it anyway, we are very much defined by what we actually do, which often leads the way in what we actually feel.

Bowen, I think this is right on the money. I am terribly sorry that this happened to you. As you say - you are a Survivor and it shows in your past and present posts.

I know that fact does not help to ease the pain and suffering of having old wounds ripped opened and salt packed into them. Nobody deserves what has happened to you.

Keep close to your words “I am a survivor” because you are, both past and present.

May each day dawn brighter for you.