Stressing myself out...

[jsprplc2006]

Well, I had been with this guy for almost a year (after initially being turned down for a second date because he wasn't over a past relationship), but just after Christmas we started going out in a "dating" context. I've had building feelings for him since we met though, so I feel like I REALLY want us to work.

We've been out on several 'low-key' dates, a few movies, etc. since then, but we can never really get any private time because we're still both living at home with our parents, who are only a little "gay-friendly'. The first kiss was about 2 weeks ago, although we only kissed once again since then, since like I say, private time is hard to come by.

It's a busy time in his life - a 9-wk teaching practicum coming up, and I know he's having some issues with another friend of his, so it seems like he's acting a little differently every time we're together. Kind of melancholy-ish. And I never know what to make of it.

I made the stupid mistake of creating a profile on POF to see (out of curiousity) if he's been online, and although there was a couple weeks of inactivity, he was just on yesterday, and I can't believe how nervous/anxious/jealous it makes me feel. I probably shouldn't have checked. I know, he could have just clicked a link that came in the email and saw one page, or he's just chatting with a friend on there, but those rationalizations don't seem to help me feel better.

I don't know why... I feel like I wanna cry, but I can't - even though he's given no indication that "we" aren't working. ALTHOUGH, we haven't expressly said that we're a couple or anything either. I'm teetering on a fence, and the stress about falling off a particular side of it is driving me insane. What should I do?

[Undreamt]

Simple answer, although not so simple to actually do.

don't jump to conclusions and TALK about it!!

I don't know what POF is (i'm assuming its either a dating or hookup site?) but there is nothing wrong with someone keeping in contact with friends and aquantances.

Hell even if they are chatting to other people online, where is the harm?

[jsprplc2006]

Yeah, POF refers to "plentyoffish dot com", a popular free dating site - which contains a lot of people who are actually looking for relationships.

My fear is *generally* you'd go on there looking for a match, and use e-mail/facebook/texts to keep in touch with friends, but still I realize it's no use worrying about.

I'm trying to come up with a good way to ask him. "Are we a couple"? "Am I your boyfriend"? Lines like that sound kind of desperate/insecure to me. (Any clever ideas, haha?)

I also feel like I'm at the limit for "advances" that can be made unless we have a room all to ourselves. I almost worry that he's going to go date someone who has their own place just for the sake of that luxury. AND before you say so, yes, I know, if he'd *break up* (like I say, I don't know what "we" are) for that reason I shouldn't be with him anyway, but still. I really like him.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

Go in search of the devil and you will find him.

Yeah most likely its nothing, but I think you made your own nervous pile here by going out of your way to make a profile to check up on him.

Of course now how are you even going to be able to justify asking him about his activities? "I made a profile out of curiosity to check up on you" sounds like something a stalker would do.

The rational thing is to talk with your partner, its a little thing called 'communication'. I bet he is down, depressed because of the extra work load, and dealing with his friends stuff and being apart from you and being a 20 something year old living with the parental units... yeah I can see melancholia being a valid condition.

What I don't see is a good reason for your behavior. Which isn't justified by anything you wrote.

I think you have a little trust issue here you need to work on.

I also think you need to rethink this whole 'I live with my parents and want to date thing - clearly you need more time with your mate in order to feel secure, and since your mate(s) seem to also live with parents... well you see how that it.

I think you need to seriously consider telling him what happened and face the consequences. Honesty is the best policy, not because it makes life easier, but telling lies and covering up stuff leads to more lies, more deceit and the next thing you know you are the leader of the Free world or some other horrendous job that requires a life time of lie-training.

Oh and I assure with this guy your telling him will not end well. he already has this raw past relationship and your lack of trust with him will bring a lot of that back up and he most likely will wash his hands of you and walk away.

Now then. If you really love this man, you will tell the truth and suffer the consequences. If you are selfish you will lie.

Either way I see a world of hurt in your future. Guilt is far worse than a broken heart.

And in some small way honesty wins out in the end.

[LateBloomer]

I don't know why... I feel like I wanna cry, but I can't - even though he's given no indication that "we" aren't working. ALTHOUGH, we haven't expressly said that we're a couple or anything either. I'm teetering on a fence, and the stress about falling off a particular side of it is driving me insane. What should I do?

Well, I'm short on time. Unfortunately it's a long story that I can't share here. But basically I was in EXACTLY your shoes about this time last year.

Your problem essentially boils down to your last paragraph. Your relationship is "undefined". You don't know what the boundaries are (e.g. Can we date other people?).

Obviously YOU want an exclusive relationship, but you're not sure if HE does too.

Yes, you guys need a pow-wow. Sit down and approach this from a stand point of negotiation (NOT CONFRONTATION). If you confront him, he will get defensive and I can almost guarantee you disaster.

You want something.
He wants something.
Can you guys score a win/win? I have no idea, but this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship.

Important side note: I was dating and online at the time my current BF asked me to be "exclusive" to him and explicitly asked me to take down my ad.

In response I agreed, because I wanted to be exclusive but I set a couple of rules right at the beginning. I told him yes, but there will be no violence and no cheating. When that line gets crossed we're finished.

The conversation was almost that short, but it defined the rules and boundaries. We are both clear. We both wanted something and so far, we got it.

Try it. Let us know how it goes.

[jsprplc2006]

There are some correct things there, but I think that was an unnecessarily abrasive reply, Bowyn.

I'd never ASK him to explain why he logged on to a dating site. That's his business, and by simply being on the site myself I'm not overstepping my bounds - I had been on the site long before as well.

And it's not really a "trust" thing. My reason for going on the site was to see if perhaps I could see some indication that he was settling into a relationship, or at least moving that direction, without being stupidly obvious by asking him outright. He's just not always that easy to read, and I was looking for cues so I wouldn't have to guess.

IF I was certain we were actually "together", I couldn't care less what he does online. We know each other well, and neither of us is the sort who'd ever think of cheating. I trust him completely - I was just hoping I'd be able to find a sneaky indicator that his view of our relationship was moving in the same direction mine was. I wanted affirmation; you make it sound as if I have him under surveillance.

Now then. If you really love this man, you will tell the truth and suffer the consequences. If you are selfish you will lie.

And this line confused me. There is nothing to tell the truth about, or to lie about. I happened to notice his profile on a dating site wasn't inactive. No one did anything wrong here. There aren't any "consequences" to be had, except the inkling in my own mind that maybe he feels differently than a couple weeks ago.

[jsprplc2006]

Well, I'm short on time. Unfortunately it's a long story that I can't share here. But basically I was in EXACTLY your shoes about this time last year.

Your problem essentially boils down to your last paragraph. Your relationship is "undefined". You don't know what the boundaries are (e.g. Can we date other people?).

Obviously YOU want an exclusive relationship, but you're not sure if HE does too.

Yes, you guys need a pow-wow. Sit down and approach this from a stand point of negotiation (NOT CONFRONTATION). If you confront him, he will get defensive and I can almost guarantee you disaster.

You want something.
He wants something.
Can you guys score a win/win? I have no idea, but this will set the tone for the rest of your relationship.

Important side note: I was dating and online at the time my current BF asked me to be "exclusive" to him and explicitly asked me to take down my ad.

In response I agreed, because I wanted to be exclusive but I set a couple of rules right at the beginning. I told him yes, but there will be no violence and no cheating. When that line gets crossed we're finished.

The conversation was almost that short, but it defined the rules and boundaries. We are both clear. We both wanted something and so far, we got it.

Try it. Let us know how it goes.

Thank you

I just feel weird about using the term "exclusive" - to me that implies sexual monogamy, and that seems like a strange thing to ask for when we haven't slept together yet, and due to our living circumstances likely won't any time in the near future either.

[LateBloomer]

Relationships are complicated.

Sex is important, but not necessary, obviously.

What IS important is that you both share the sames goals. I call it "trajectory", like two missiles (pardon the phallic symbol)...



...that get launched at the same time. Will they arc through space with identical tracks and strike a common target?

Or do they diverge seeking their own end?

Sounds like a wild ride. But maybe you're in possession of a guided missile that you can steer a little bit and make fine adjustments. In that case you have a better chance of reaching the same target.

[BobInTampa]

First off, you snooped on him - so those feelings you're feeling are SELF INFLICTED! Don't project them on him or expect him to explain himself to you because of YOUR INVASION OF HIS PRIVACY! Want to bring an end to things with him? Bring up the issue of him being on POF or texting guys or calling guys you don't know.

Right now in your relationship, you DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT TO DEMAND OR EXPECT ANYTHING from him until you actually have a conversation about where you 2 are now, where you both see it in the coming months and, ultimatly, what he's looking for in terms of a relationship.

Now, all that said, if you bring up the issue, you have to be prepared for answers you DON'T WANT TO HEAR! Personally, i think you should talk about it - honesty is ALWAYS the best policy. Sometimes it jumpstarts an LTR into the next phase towards a stronger committment. Sometimes is dosn't.

Now, so you don't feel like you have NO tools for this conversation, i'll share with you something that worked for me when it comes to the issues of relationship status'. Oh, and feel free to change the terminology - just not the meaning.

Here's a basic process map:

Hopefully this will help!

[Counselor]

He could have logged on for a number of reasons, as an example, I get an email every t time someone s sends me a private message here (I'm o on every day, so it's a little redundant) but you can't assume anything if you haven't discussed it with him. And creating a profile to check on him is probably not a good indicator of trust between you.