For crying out loud people, I have no intention on "bringing up the issue" with him!!!
I asked the question entirely for my own internal psychological use. I'm not an idiot, nor a stalker. We've both spent a lot of time on that POF site, and I happened upon an observation that made me uneasy - not because of something anyone did, just because of my own worst-case-scenario attitude I can't seem to shake.
I'm surprised how abusive the responses on this board are.
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Undreamt Wrote:Simple answer, although not so simple to actually do.
don't jump to conclusions and TALK about it!!
I don't know what POF is (i'm assuming its either a dating or hookup site?) but there is nothing wrong with someone keeping in contact with friends and aquantances.
Hell even if they are chatting to other people online, where is the harm?
I second that !!
If you KNOW you like each other, and you KNOW you both have difficulties with jobs and/or home life, then WHY are you rushing it?
Rushing things will only make him more uncomfortable and stressed out. Dont pile more crap on his "plate" than he already has. It will be bad for both of you.
People who are stressed out can often be misidagnosed as "bipolar" or "scizophrenic", when theres nothing more going on that being stressed out. The only thing you have to worry about is him getting depressed to the state that he is "lifeless", closes himself off from everybody, and pretty much becomes a hermit.
All you can do at this point is make his life as stress-free as possible, let him have the breathing room he needs to deal with whats going on right now.
Just let him know if he needs to talk, scream, rant, or throw a fit about something, you will be there to listen. Dont judge, dont respond, just listen and go on with something else when he's done. Unless he brings it up or asks questions.
You will be much more appreciated in the long run for being a better friend and not pushing him into anything or trying to convince him of one thing or another.
Chat or social sites are neither "here" or "there", as people get on them for (supposed) social reasons. If you both happen to be on one at the same time....no big deal. He may just be on to see whats going on, and not talk to anyone. Dont take it personally if he doesnt acknowledge you. Stress makes people forget their manners sometimes.
Like I said, if you already know you really like each other, then whats the rush?
Long lasting love and relationships never happen over night....they take years of hard work.
And the best ones usually start off as good friends.
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jsprplc2006 Wrote:For crying out loud people, I have no intention on "bringing up the issue" with him!!!
I asked the question entirely for my own internal psychological use. I'm not an idiot, nor a stalker. We've both spent a lot of time on that POF site, and I happened upon an observation that made me uneasy - not because of something anyone did, just because of my own worst-case-scenario attitude I can't seem to shake.
I'm surprised how abusive the responses on this board are.
So your saying you want a relationship of half truths, lies and snooping on one another?
If no, then tell the truth, the whole truth.
All of this hiding stuff never works well for a relationship, and for some reason it eventually comes out in one form or another ends up far worse when it come out.
Reverse it, pretend that you are him and he is doing that to you, how happy would you be to know that he is checking up on you? What would your thoughts be?
Issues between 'us' in relationships must be brought up, and must be discussed as they happen. Like it or not you still don't know why he was on this site he went to and your brain is going to keep on whispering all of these dark terrible things until you know.
THAT will plant the seeds of resentment, and those grow into invasive weeds that slowly destroy the foundations of trust that a relationship requires.
Lies and hidden truths destroy relationships.
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bowyn aerrow Wrote:so your saying you want a relationship of half truths, lies and snooping on one another?
If no, then tell the truth, the whole truth.
All of this hiding stuff never works well for a relationship, and for some reason it eventually comes out in one form or another ends up far worse when it come out.
Reverse it, pretend that you are him and he is doing that to you, how happy would you be to know that he is checking up on you? What would your thoughts be?
Issues between 'us' in relationships must be brought up, and must be discussed as they happen. Like it or not you still don't know why he was on this site he went to and your brain is going to keep on whispering all of these dark terrible things until you know.
That will plant the seeds of resentment, and those grow into invasive weeds that slowly destroy the foundations of trust that a relationship requires.
Lies and hidden truths destroy relationships. truth bullets!
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Thank you, MisterTinkles, for your most helpful response.
I agree with you completely; you've helped me see our relationship in a new light.
As for the rest of you, Bowyn_Aerrow and Counselor, I don't know what sentiments you hold which make you want to poison any relationship that doesn't grant complete and total omniscience to all parties involved, but seriously: GO AND FUCK YOURSELF.
There is nothing note-worthily "unique" about the relationships between me and my boyfriend which you feel some online forum makes you privy to. There are no "trust" issues here. We don't "monitor" one another. There's nothing creepy about the conversation I've been having with the rest of the internet for the last couple months.
My questions are indicative of PERSONAL INSECURITIES, not some "suspicion" of my boyfriend fulfilling his needs elsewhere.
I was looking for psychological support, and you took it MANY steps too far. I pity you, sir.
My boyfriend and I are as close as can be, and if you need statistics to reassure you of your status, you go for it...
I've got my man, and I was hoping to have my questions answered/quelled by sensible-minded persons here, but I suppose that's unrealistic. Judging from my replies, you're all conceited, egocentric maniacs.
I welcome any of you to come forward and oppose "Bowyn_Aerrow"'s views. I'll support you to the N'th degree, as he sees to have his mind set on misery, and nothing else.
Despite what might be posted in this forum, I have a romantic future with MY MAN, and that motherfucking asshole could use senseless a meatcunt to fuck until he dies. Donations people, I don't want him floating in my garden.
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You said yourself you created the profile to see if he had been online, and that is what I had been referring to. Please correct me if I have the wrong impression, since you also said you had the profile long before he did, and I think there has been a misunderstanding.
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Okay, I've re-read this thread twice, and I stand by my opinion: no relationship can thrive when one side hides their insecurities. That doesn't mean you have to bring up checking his online activity (which I don't condone), but talking about your stance on where the relationship is headed.
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Hold on, I reread everything and I think I know where this is coming from. My first post WAS poorly worded... worded wrong, actually. The site has a feature to make a profile "invisible" to other users, which I've used whenever I'm currently dating and don't want messages from people who want to go out with me. My "man interest", on the other hand, just creates/deletes his profile depending on his relationship status. Basically, I logged on for the first time in a while (about 8 months) to my "invisible" profile, just curious whether or not he still had one. It was then I saw he had been online recently. I didn't notice immediately because he had changed his profile picture.
But yes, I have insecurities, as I'm sure everyone does. But I hide some of them, just as I'm also sure everyone does.
I admit it can SOUND like I'm "checking up on him", but that's not really what I feel like I did. I've just really liked this guy for quite a while, and since he gave the go-ahead on actually dating, and since he's a remarkably hard person to "read", I sometimes wish I could find any teeny indication that we were moving forward, since he's flirty anyway.
Insecure? Yes. Immature? Probably. But from a "realist's" viewpoint, it's one of those things that IS innocent, and doesn't leave my own brain unless I want it to, so honestly, I don't feel bad about it. The only feelings I'll hurt are my own.
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Yes I hide my insecurities and lots of other things... This is one of the reasons why I am currently single....
The other reason is because my partner of 14+ years kept secrets... Eventually I found out, quite by accident and those secrets murdered the relationship.
So when I tell you you need to communicate and face all the consequences its because I have been in too many relationships with secrets and hidden agendas and other not so nice things.
I want for you to not make the same mistakes I made.
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jsprplc2006 Wrote:Hold on, I reread everything and I think I know where this is coming from. My first post WAS poorly worded... worded wrong, actually. The site has a feature to make a profile "invisible" to other users, which I've used whenever I'm currently dating and don't want messages from people who want to go out with me. My "man interest", on the other hand, just creates/deletes his profile depending on his relationship status. Basically, I logged on for the first time in a while (about 8 months) to my "invisible" profile, just curious whether or not he still had one. It was then I saw he had been online recently. I didn't notice immediately because he had changed his profile picture.
But yes, I have insecurities, as I'm sure everyone does. But I hide some of them, just as I'm also sure everyone does.
I admit it can SOUND like I'm "checking up on him", but that's not really what I feel like I did. I've just really liked this guy for quite a while, and since he gave the go-ahead on actually dating, and since he's a remarkably hard person to "read", I sometimes wish I could find any teeny indication that we were moving forward, since he's flirty anyway.
Insecure? Yes. Immature? Probably. But from a "realist's" viewpoint, it's one of those things that IS innocent, and doesn't leave my own brain unless I want it to, so honestly, I don't feel bad about it. The only feelings I'll hurt are my own.
Thank you for the clarification!
...but you still need to talk to him. 
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