What should I do?

[NeedAdvice]

Hi,

I wanna know what I should do. When reading, please think about if the friend I'm describing could be gay and then after reading it all tell me what I should do at this point.

I'm into my friend. We almost always hang out in groups and when he first joined the group, I felt a vibe.. Then, it got more obvious. Some comments about my body he made got me thinking he was into me, he playfuly smacked my ass, said he was open to gays, when we'd get drunk, he kissed me on the cheek, feels free when taking his dick out in front of me to pee and once just to flash, I grabbed his crotch a few times and he didn't mind it though a bit hesitant, we crack a lot of gay jokes (i.e. suck my d... or I wanna finish on your face, etc) and he does to me, though not to other people in the group. We pretended to be a couple on several outings in the group, and even came out to each other twice, where we both admitted we had sex with guys before and all that. But, all of this is done in a playful manner to the point I don't know if he's kidding or really serious, though he said he was serious when coming out to me but then just ended the convo by playfully saying "you're so gay, get out of here."

You might think he's definitely gay and I shouldn't be waiting for anything but to just start the relationship. That's what I thought after the time we came out to each other. But, there are some signs he's not gay but just a very liberal straight guy. He was in the military and being around a lot of guys can get you used to seeing dick in the shower and saying gay stuff. He also has an ex-wife and is a father. He has told me he had sex with some girl and was into her but broke it off because of some lame reason. Also, whenever something big happens (gay wise), like us coming out to each other, he draws back into the shell and the whole thing kinda fizzles out. Then the gay joking kinda builds up, the touching starts again and then another big thing happens and we stop, kinda like there's something missing for the final push to go all the way. And the final thing is that he is very upfront with me in person (again, remember this is mostly in group settings) but rarely answers my texts and never picks up when I call.

I kinda dropped all contact with him, other than seeing him in group setting, and now just acknwledge his presence but we don't do the gay stuff anymore since I got tired of him and this whole thing being hot and cold.

So, could he really be into guys?

What should I do - ignore and move on or try again? (And don't say be more upfront, because I was and we even came out, if he was being serious, but I don't wanna be pushing this on him again, though he starts it up by himself). Oh and don't say let him lead because he just takes it to the joking and touching part but that's it. He doesn't wanna talk about the pink elephant in the room.

[megumidesu]

the only way for you to know for sure whether or not he's into guys is by asking him

[SolemnBoy]

What Megumi said.

When gay guys get interested in supposed straight guys they normally start looking for "signs". The problem is that the behaviour you're talking about isn't unusual at all. When I came out I expected a pretty negative response from the boys, instead most of them started acting like the person you're talking about. They get overly close, jokingly molest-y, talk about you and them having sex or being in a relationship, drunk kissing etc. All of that. It's obnoxious but pretty common.

I'm not sure why but I do know that they are not closeted homosexuals. Maybe they're more comfortable with a gay friend if they can joke about it a lot? Or maybe they just think it's fun. Who knows. With that having been said, he could still be gay - but don't assume he is just because he acts like that around you. The only way of knowing is to ask, but I'm not sure he'd give a serious answer or not :/

[fjp999]

Forget him. You have both tried and it seems like a failure.

Move on.

If you re-read your post you have answered you question already!

[EvenOlderButWiser]

What fjp said.

Move along, plenty more fish in the sea as they say

ObW
X

[Bowyn Aerrow]

He is most likely bisexual, but hampered by the conventions of society.

There are plenty of gay and bisexual males who have had their longish period of being in the closet, getting married, having kids, etc because society pressed them into it.

Since all of this was done in the context of joking, it was 'safe' for him to play this game.

If it was me and I suspected he was gay I would pull him aside to a private place and say something along these lines:

"You do not have to answer immediately, I do want you to think first. Its ok whatever your answer is, I am a bit confused and need to know where we really are. In all seriousness are you gay or are we just playing a game."

IF he has a gay tendency and he knows you are safe, he most likely will come out to you.

If not then you need to set some boundaries as to how far this joking should go. If you feel you are attracted to him, or if this 'joking' makes you attracted to him with some real hope at a relationship with him, you need to let him know that the jokes sometimes hurt you in this way.

If this last is true already, then you may want to bring that up FIRST before you ask him if he is gay. Put it in context. You need a bit more certainty and understanding of where you two are, there is most likely no reason why he would intentionally hurt you.

[seeking]

yup if you've already got tired to it just leave it and move on.
it doesn't worth wasting so much time on uncertainty, and base on his background he doesn't seem like a stable person to start a relationship with. Just personal feelings

[NeedAdvice]

But I DID ask him if he was gay, twice, and he said yes. It was answered while he was smirking, like he was half nervous half tryin to play it off as a joke. I even talked to him about other guys I'm talking to and he calls me a slut/whore from time to time, jokingly again. He was even interested in seeing naked pics of me. But, I don't know if he's doing this all as a joke (I asked him if he was serious like 5 times and he said yea but the convo was brought out of the foolin around so I dunno). The only thing I don't get is, if he is serious as he says, how come we're not knockin boots right now? We're stuck in some half-way place where we kinda know about each other, show interest, but nothing is happening. And when I ask for us to go kick it alone and talk, he refuses, like he knows that I wanna talk about the pink elephant in the room but he doesn't yet he never denies that he's gay/bi, continues to joke around, and all that.

Oh and I get that he's not in the situation to come out. But that's not what I'm looking for. I'm not out either.

Is there something I can do to definitely settle this?

[HomeagainNYC]

Hi,


I kinda dropped all contact with him, other than seeing him in group setting, and now just acknwledge his presence but we don't do the gay stuff anymore since I got tired of him and this whole thing being hot and cold.

I think you should stay the course that you posted in the quote. There are many reasons why he may be acting this way, but only he know the answer to those questions. Your post indicates, even you don't care to find out at this point. He's clearly misplayed his hand.

You have shown that you are mature and have a good sense of self worth, by the action you took.

Now leave it alone and move on; this is his issue not yours. You've respecting yourself by putting distance between the two of you, automatically letting it be known what your personal standards are.

If/when he should start up again - it's your ball game, on whether he either fit's or doesn't into your life.

[unkown21]

I agree, just sit down one on one and ask him. I know of people in the LGBT community that will date the opposite sex, maybe get marries, and maybe even have children, just to try and be "normal". Only to come to terms with being gay, lesbian etc way down the road. Have you seen broke back mountain? That is a prime example. So if you really have feelings for him, and you think he may have feelings for you, just lay it down on him and open your heart to him. he may really be gay, it sounds like that is a good possibility, but if he isnt gay, you can still cherish a friendship