I have some questions...

[Steve1860]

Hi All,

I have been looking online for sites that you can meet guys on...mostly for friends...maybe more....hard to tell really. The last real time I was online meeting guys was long ago and on Match.com and now there are allot more sites around. I have changed allot (gotten older ) so what I look like would in most cases anyway would draw a different crowd.

So, I put profiles on sites like Silverdaddies and Bearwww and the like. I am not sure that I am comfortable with that "role as I don't know allot about what goes with the "persona" of some of these "titles".

Also, I don't know who things really work on these sites. On some, it is very clear that the primary focus is sex, plain and simple. On others it could be friends all over the world. In any case, I know that there are individuals on these sites that have fake profiles and are scammers and the like. I am usually pretty good at figuring them out...usually bad English...just like scam emails.

I was wondering if any of you have done this online stuff and could give me any pointers on "how to behave" and on how to really use these sites.

I know that might sound odd, but I am just not up on all of the technology that seems to be prevalent now like Skype and Yahoo Messenger and using cameras, etc.

Also, just any "protocol" that you use on these sites. I am not oblivious, but at the same time, I don't get it sometimes. Sometimes, it is just trying to get used to how to navigate a site and use it's functionality, but there seems to be a certain knowledge/expectation from other users/members that do this allot. I sort of feel like I am just learning a new program and trying to figure out how it works and since there is another person involved that knows the system...I feel like, being new, I fall short on my ability to be able to use these type of sites "correctly".

This probably sounds strange and I don't really feel that I have articulated it very well, but I hope you can give me some pointers...on safety and general use (not to a particular site), but more in general.

Thanks in advance for your help.

Steven

[EvenOlderButWiser]

Hi Steven,

This may seem strange, but have you thought about perhaps doing some IT classes? I think if you get comfortable with the technology then the rest will likely fall into place. :-)

There are usually adult computer classes run by libraries or some schools etc. May be worth a look!

ObW
X

[Steve1860]

Hi ObW,

I am familiar with computers. I just am primarily having issues with how to use these "Adult/Dating/Hookup" sites proficiently...as in how to respond to messages with a "correct" response. An example (and a dumb one)...if someone messages you with "How Are you?...I know the normal response would be, "Good, How Are you" or something like that. But if a person says, "Hot! I would like to get together"...what is the "appropriate" response? Allot of times these people don't have pics and so my tendency is to ask for a Face Pic. I say, " Do you have a face pic so I will know who I am talking to?"...that doesn't seem to be an "appropriate" response. If the person has an XXX pic, I ask the same. I mean, I know what a dick and ass looks like...I want to see a face. if things go further in the conversation, then I might want to see there dick or body, etc...but if there is no face ( the thing I am drawn to the most), I don't feel comfortable talking to them...it is like I am talking to a disembodied dick or something...you know what I mean?

That is why I am trying to see if there is some "secret language" or things that you say or ask or don't.

[EvenOlderButWiser]

if someone messages you with "How Are you?...I know the normal response would be, "Good, How Are you" or something like that. But if a person says, "Hot! I would like to get together"...what is the "appropriate" response?

Well in my case I would likely hit the block/delete button, but it really depends on what your looking to get from the sites to be honest.

OK I misunderstood what you were looking for....

There is nothing wrong with using these sites to hook up with people if thats what you want, in terms of "nettiquet" the best advice I can give is just be yourself. If the online conversation drifts into an area your uncomfortable with, you have two options, hit the delete and block option or try and steer the conversation back to where you want it to be.

For me, if the other party is sending inappropriate pictures of himself within one second of saying hi, then thats a pretty good indication of what he's looking for.

Just be yourself and chat as if your standing in front of the other person. Don't give away any personal details, and be wary of any long distance guys who reach out to you.

Good Luck

ObW
X

[ThatRobGuy]

A rule of thumb for me is "if you wouldn't say it or do it in person, then don't do it." For example, if you wouldn't go up to a complete stranger in person and say "hot! Your place or mine?" then don't do that when meeting strangers online. If someone comes at me like that or gets "fresh" out of the gate, I'm instantly turned off and move on.

Just be yourself and you'll find someone who likes you for you.

[Steve1860]

Ok, That is what I was thinking...because I am not the Hookup kind of person (except in fantasies...and I have come to believe that most fantasies are meant o be just hat...fantasies...I basically want to be able to talk to other gay men because there aren't many here in ruralsville.

It just seems that since there is no literal contact and your are effectively talking to a machine (computer) that people say a whole lot they wouldn't say in person....

Thanks for the advise.

[pellaz]

friendship, relationships and sex are inter twined.

friendship:
i would look for someone with the same interests. especially look for a straight hag lady to hang out with.
relationship:
i would look for a gay man with differences that complete your life. If he likes to repair stuff and you can manage the bills and financials all the better. He must be easy to talk to, honest, want a relationship.
sex:
Look for someone gay and single with a bigger than large life who dosnt have the time for a friend or a partner, even a dog. Someone who takes care of him self, clean, goes to the gym, safe sex/ testing. enjoy each other.

for your on line profile be honest. Find a profile or two somewhere you like and modify them into something that appeals to you personally. Keep the relationshp range with in 10 years, what if someone 10 years older and retired would answer your post? What if a 30 something wanted a toy (you), would you do this? In the beginning keep meet ups public and you life private.

Everything takes time so be patient, if you want something like this chances are you will get it.

[Steve1860]

Pellaz,

It is interesting you mention profiles...I have been working on one for quite a while and having to "proofed by a couple of trusted people that have come to know me.

I am really looking for a relationship to be completely honest and this internet stuff, which seems to be "the way" anymore is a bit foreign to me.

Here is what I/we have come up with trying to be as honest as I can be which as you will read, will certainly turn allot of people away...that could be a good thing instead fo wasting everyone's time, but could be a bad thing in that if some of these things are exposed in a more "natural way" through conversation and perhaps meeting...then they won't be so "off-putting" from the start where it is so easy to press delete or just move on to the next person...no personal contact (even online where you actually talk to someone. Anyway...here is the profile (at least for now)...what is YOUR opinion?

Looking for someone with similar qualities and scruples...

First of all, I am truly a romantic that can be described by some as "needy". Needy in that I need the reassurance from my partner that everything is "ok"...that he still loves me and shows it not only by words, but by actions as in touching and holding and kissing me. I need regular physical contact with the one I am in a relationship with. Not only sex, which I also need (and like), but contact like cuddling and hugging for no special reason. I need a motivator, a reason to get up and move, a reason to get back out there and enjoy life. A trusted companion who can deal with my issues and who can prod me gently into living life once more. I need regular communication from him as well to reassure me that things are "ok". For me, that would be a daily occurrence.

I have not been able do this alone. I have always felt like one half of a whole. I need the support and encouragement from a partner to be able to understand and not judge and to support me so I will feel safe to take the chances that I can't take alone - yet need to take.

I have allot to offer someone. I can offer true honesty, sincerity, openness, and love. Showing my feelings for the one I care for and returning the affection that he gives me in words and actions is how I am "wired". I can be the most loyal person you have ever met. I just need the chance that no one has yet given me.

Going on, I have to say that emotional attraction is as important as physical attraction. If I am not physically attracted to someone...there is no "spark". The emotional attraction goes much deeper and is added to the spark of the physical attraction.

After living most of my life in large cities, I now prefer a quieter lifestyle. I like to picnic in the woods or cuddle at home. I find pleasure in the simple act of playing with my dogs and gardening and being connected to the earth, water, sky, fire and spirit. I have always felt these connections.

I am attracted to slim, younger (20-40), white guys who are mature in mind and have gentle, caring and giving hearts.

I AM looking for a relationship, there is not secret there, but sex is not out of the question either.

I am interested in knowing your thoughts and those of others as well...

Thank you,

Steven

[pellaz]

the nice:
-looking for a relationship, there is not secret
-most of my life in large cities, I now prefer a quieter
-needy in that I need the reassurance from my partner that everything is ok

i disagree with your profile (sorry):
-i like younger guys...
-slim white guys...
-no spark if I am not physically attracted
-Looking for someone with similar qualities
-companion who can deal with MY issues

[Steve1860]

Hi,

I took this private because I was hoping for a more detailed reasoning about your opinion:

i disagree with your profile (sorry):
-i like younger guys...
-slim white guys...
-no spark if I am not physically attracted
-Looking for someone with similar qualities
-companion who can deal with MY issues

First....if I am attracted to younger slim white guys, what am I supposed to write to convey that. I am not sexually attracted to other races except for VERY rare cases of a mix like Asian/White mix, etc.

I have gone over the attracting with others and the analogy I use is that i am not sexually attracted to women....it is that simple...I don't know how to change what one is attracted to.

The "spark" thing simply means that if there isn't a physical "spark"...I might be able to be friends with a person, but it will never go past that.

Why do you have issues with the "similar qualities" thing? For instance, I am "giving, loyal, caring, supportive, etc." Why can't I want someone with those same qualities?

Now, I can see a possible issue with the last item, "...companion who can deal with MY issues". But if I am to be completely honest...and I do have issues...one being "needy" (which is looked on as being a bad thing by most), and I know that about myself, why shouldn't I put it up there? For instance, even thought I have gotten very few responses with that profile (which was an experiment to see the number of responses I might get being more open and honest than most...showing "warts and all" so to speak), I have gotten some very nice, eloquent, thoughtful responses from a few guys. They weren't my "type" and they said that in their messages to me, but they felt "compelled" to respond to my profile BECAUSE I was so open and honest...

So I am quite torn about this.

I read some profiles and these guys seem to be the best thing since sliced bread...but you know everyone has "baggage" and it will come out sooner or later if you get to know someone.

Please expound on your reply.

Thank you,

Steven