My best friend....my new boyf....more of a mess!!!

[im_so_confused]

Well, just where do I start? Ok, I have always had a very active social life but lately I have been going out more than I normally would have. Therefore I have acquired new friends and so my horizons have expanded. I just mainly go to Gay Bars. Long story short....my best mate started getting more touchy feely with me and I didn't really think anything of it. Anyway he texted me one night very drunk and asked me if I liked him and I didn't reply. So the next week he was out again and I told him no, I don't like him that way and he got a bit teary eyed and it made me feel really bad. However about 2 weeks ago I was really upset and he was there for me comforting me on our night out and he said to me 'I love you' and 'I can't stop thinking about you' to which I was shocked and made a sharp exit back inside.
As the night progressed I kept thinking about what he said and because I was so confused anyway with what was happening in my own private life we ended up kissing and then I went back to stay at his. Nothing much happened in the way of sex but nevertheless it has complicated things. He's told me he's in love with me and that the feelings he has for me won't ever go away and I just don't know what to do. I value him to much as a friend but he is in a difficult place right now, he has a lot of issues to deal with and I think he is confusing his love for me with the need of clinging on to someone that understands him.

I now have a newish boyfriend and he is amazing....I really like him and it's totally different than before. BUT....I feel with this lingering over my head I can't enjoy myself coz I can't promise myself that I won't kiss him when he is out. And he is getting really jealous of the way my best mate is acting around me. I don't want to lose the both of them . I'm a very exclusive person and have never cheated on anyone in my life and just want to be happy and for my best mate to be happy too

Please help

I'm so confused as to what to do.

Peter x

[princealbertofb]

Well, just where do I start? Ok, I have always had a very active social life but lately I have been going out more than I normally would have. Therefore I have acquired new friends and so my horizons have expanded. I just mainly go to Gay Bars. Long story short....my best mate started getting more touchy feely with me and I didn't really think anything of it. Anyway he texted me one night very drunk and asked me if I liked him and I didn't reply. So the next week he was out again and I told him no, I don't like him that way and he got a bit teary eyed and it made me feel really bad. However about 2 weeks ago I was really upset and he was there for me comforting me on our night out and he said to me 'I love you' and 'I can't stop thinking about you' to which I was shocked and made a sharp exit back inside.
As the night progressed I kept thinking about what he said and because I was so confused anyway with what was happening in my own private life we ended up kissing and then I went back to stay at his. Nothing much happened in the way of sex but nevertheless it has complicated things. He's told me he's in love with me and that the feelings he has for me won't ever go away and I just don't know what to do. I value him to much as a friend but he is in a difficult place right now, he has a lot of issues to deal with and I think he is confusing his love for me with the need of clinging on to someone that understands him.

I now have a newish boyfriend and he is amazing....I really like him and it's totally different than before. BUT....I feel with this lingering over my head I can't enjoy myself coz I can't promise myself that I won't kiss him when he is out. And he is getting really jealous of the way my best mate is acting around me. I don't want to lose the both of them . I'm a very exclusive person and have never cheated on anyone in my life and just want to be happy and for my best mate to be happy too

Please help

I'm so confused as to what to do.

Peter x

Not sure who was doing what in the sentence in pink, Peter.

My thoughts are that you are in a bit of a muddle here and maybe in trouble. You've gone way beyond what you should have done by kissing your best friend when you didn't feel love for him, only compassion, probably and by letting him believe that something might develop from this.

If I were you, I'd definitely try to keep my head clear next time I was with him, and certainly not let drink get the best of me (that is, if you drink).

While you cannot stop him loving you, he's got to know that you don't love him in the way he'd like you to. I think repeating that, and explaining that what happened the other day was maybe more than you'd bargained for, but because of your moods it just happened that way, is necessary now. Make sure he has a clear head to understand that. If he is a good friend, he will want you to be happy, just as you want him to be happy.

It would also be good for you to be frank with your new boyfriend. He's sensing something, you said? He won't be able to trust you if he senses you're hiding something from him. Tell him the truth, tell him your best mate has these feelings for you, and tell him that you don't know how to deal with it in a way that will not hurt him (your new boyfriend) and not hurt your best friend either. He may have some ideas as to how to handle the matter.

One way of saving your relationship may be to put things on hold for a while with your best friend till he gets a grip of himself, or finds himself someone suitable. I mean: stop seeing him. Or else see him when others are around; socially.

You mentioned that it would take for him to settle some issues, didn't you? Why don't you ask your friend to come over when your boyfriend is there, and talk about thoses issues together? Or, why don't you ask your best friend to join a group where people with his type of problems can talk freely and find a way out. You haven't been very specific about which issues -- other than loving you unrequitedly -- he has...
Are they issues about coming out?

In any case it looks as if the situation is too close for comfort (and I mean physically close) which is why I'd encourage you to put a little distance between you. What happened the other day, with you kissing him, was a mistake, a natural one, because you have a heart, but it still was a mistake, obviously. If things get too rough, maybe stop seeing him altogether.

I don't know if you can do this. Can you?

[Shadow]

I think that one of the big problems with being very close to somebody is that the lines do sometimes become blurred ... and so what might either seem like a good idea or acceptable or just one of those fuck it whatever moments at the time do later seem rather different when viewed in the cold light of day ...

Whilst I don't think you're in any way to blame for what happened between you and your best mate, in hindsight I agree with Albert insofar as it was arguably not the best move for either of you ... but we all make mistakes, and it's how we learn from them and grow as a result of them that makes us ultimately better people ... for example, whilst I'm sure at the moment you might rather he'd not told you about his feelings for you, TRUST me in the fullness of time when things have calmed down I'm SURE you will be happier knowing the truth - it's just a pain in the butt at the moment, that's all.

SO. KNOWING now how he feels about you, I think it's important to consider his feelings when deciding what to do for yourself, but at the same time balancing that with YOUR feelings and YOUR needs, as ultimately you're not responsible for him, and whilst it is both noble and the right thing to do to not rub his nose in it, and to respect his having told you how he feels and be mindful of hurting him, at the same time it's not YOUR issue to deal with as much as it is his, and so if it's preventing you from doing what you want to do, or living your life as you want to, then that's GOT to change ...

If I were in your situation I'd sit him down on a 1-2-1, and have a nice, open and honest talk with him to straighten things out ... that way, he won't be under any illusions as to his future with you, and it will free you up a bit to be able to do what you want to do with your boyfriend.

Explain to him (your best mate) that you don't want to hurt him, and that you'll try not rub his nose in it as you DO care for him and you want to see him right, but that he needs to see the situation for what it is ...

THEN sit down with your boyfriend and have a similar conversation and just be honest and mature with him. I'd avoid going into 100% detail personally - I'd settle for saying that your best mate is going through a difficult patch and that he needs your support, and that there's nothing more to it than that, and that you EXPECT him to be able to deal with it - if he loves and trusts you, then he should know that you'll not do anything behind his back.

The parties brought back into line, you should find your situation improves ...

.

xx

!?!?! Shadow !?!?!

[im_so_confused]

Maybe I didn't make myself clear......it's gone further than a kiss but lesser than sex. Ok we both gave each other a blow job and I know that sounds really bad now but it was heat of the moment. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore.
I don't know what to do, I'm a fighter not a quiter.

Peter x

[marshlander]

... it's gone further than a kiss but lesser than sex. Ok we both gave each other a blow job ...

Dear me, Bill Clinton's got a LOT to answer for! Peter, you may not have had intercourse but you did have sex!

Albert and Shadow have offered some sound advice as usual. It looks like circumstances are forcing you to make a choice. Do you value your friendship or your relationship more? I suspect that a general survey might suggest that most friendships actually outlast most love affairs, but your new boyfriend might just be "the one". It depends on what you really want ... if that is something you can actually articulate.

What might be right for one person wouldn't necessarily be right for someone else. If you want to keep your boyfriend, keep him informed about the muddle you're in and ask for his advice. You don't have to take it, but he will appreciate being consulted ... probably. You also need to talk about what boundaries you are both prepared to tolerate when you are with other people. Some couples can cope with sex outside the relationship, while for others it's grounds for instant "divorce". Since your friend is sulking now, I guess it would make that choice easier. However, should you decide you are going to jettison the boyf, you'll have handed on a plate to your mate a whole new way for him to get his own way whenever the mood strikes.

There is potential for a lot more hurt here before things get better, so take care and good luck.