so I'm in this kind of messed up situation. I've been with my first/current boyfriend for over the past year and a half at first i was so happy with him but as time goes on I've come to realize that it was just adrenaline and love goggles(the lesser known but even more dangerous cousin of beer goggles). i could be happy with him easily, i know i could, but everything becomes too much for him and he won't let me in. even if we are both at home with nothing to do we just sit in different rooms barely seeing each other. honestly, that wouldn't be a problem for me but the thing is that i really don't have a choice in the matter. if i go and just try and talk to him or sit with him for more than five minutes he gets upset and says that he just doesn't want to be up under each other all the time. that's fine with me but the thing is i don't feel like we spent any time together as it is and i know that I'm not being clingy. this is an example of an ordinary day for us.
I wake up about 5 am to get ready and be at work by 6:15 am and work till around 4:30 pm. I'm at home by 5 and we eat diner usually around 6 and then we usually go to different rooms to do whatever till we go to bed. the only times we talk is when i first get home, we eat dinner, and then when we go to sleep. not for lack of trying on my part at least. that combined with the constant unresolved arguments and the lack of a sex life has just left me kinda numb toward him and just going insane inside about the whole thing. at this point I've already kinda given up on us and are just waiting for things to take there natural course.
the only two reasons i don't leave now is one, I'm waiting for him to find a job or till i find a new place i can safely and stably transition to and two, I'm kinda hoping that he'll realize our issues and let me in. though i know that's not gonna happen.
any thoughts
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I would say the best thing to do is tell him directly what you want. You guys have been together too long to feel numb toward him. Dont just sit and let it resolve on its own because your clearly not happy. You seem afraid to lose him
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if he wants a relationship then he has to work for it. relationships like everything else take time and effort. even when both people are busy they have to have a date night to keep them working as a unit. i'm not a super cuddly or pda person but i know i have to work at that for my partner. it's healthy to have time apart but what he wants sounds odd... he's making you grow apart. i know some gay couples prefer to live apart and to come together when they want but that doesn't work for everyone. the best thing you can do is to figure out what you want in a relationship and if this guy wants the same thing.
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that isn't fair on either of you. you are enabling him by 'supporting' him during his unemployment.
If we held on to things when they have ended, there would be an aweful lot of carcasses that should be buried.
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If he's out of work, its probably stressing him out.
And depending on how long he's been out of work, can result in how withdrawn he gets.
He may feel he is taking advantage of you, with you working and probably paying the bills right now.
He may feel like he doesnt deserve you, that he's letting you down, or he may feel like a leech.
This can lead to the actions and situations you described, especially the arguments.
He might feel he should not be around you as much as possible, because he may be embarrassed he cant find a job. He might not feel like he is a good partner for you, so he "hides" and covers up his real emotions with arguments.
He has nothing better to do now than sitting in all day, thinking about how he doesnt have a job or any money.
And when you sit there and think these thoughts all day long, they keep getting worse and darker. He has nothing to keep himself or his mind busy all day.
Im sure once he starts working again, he will start feeling much better about himself and you.
If you havent already thought of it....
If you live in or near a large city/town, see if there are temp agencies around.
Talk to him about signing up with several temp agencies for work.
They will tell you that they DO have work available, but thats just to get you to sign up with them.
They may have no work available, but at least you will be on their list for callbacks.
This will keep him busy for a few days, and they may actually have work available.
Even working a few days or on short term might make him feel better....at least doing something.
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What MisterTinkles said is probably what is going on.
He might feel uncomfortable when around you because he is surrounded by things that remind him that he is living on your expenses, and as he doesn't have a job or anything else to do, hanging at home just makes this worse.
If he is feeling guilty for being unemployed and you didn't realise it yet, the stress might be a result of him keeping this to himself. Talk to him, but I don't think suggesting a temp agency and talking about this all at once would be any good, because maybe that would make him feel like his feeling of "being a parasite on your bills" was accurate.
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mistertinkles is on to something.
being jobless and dependent on you is enough to hurt his ego badly. that is perhaps why he is acting this way.
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I've already talked with him about it but like with everything else we've gotten into it take a ridiculous amount of effort to get him to open up. in the end all i wanted was him. to hold and comfort. I could care less if he was working or not as long a i knew I'd be coming home him. I've even told him that i feel like we're barely friends with benefits
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he wont open up. its already a bad situation for him to expect him to go even lower by crying on your shoulder and / or "open up" to you about how he feels about his predicament.
the best thing you can do if you want to save this relationship is avoid the subject at all times. you can help him find a job *discreetly* - without showing you are putting a lot of effort into it. you can show him any job listings you came across or send his CV for him.
alternatively you can attempt to take both yours and his mind off the situation by trying new things. play a board game together, invite friends if he is reticent to leave his room...
the absolute worse you can do right now is keep reminding him either directly or indirectly that things "suck".
or just move out. you shouldnt feel guilty about it. you have a life too, and you should pursue it if you see yourself without him.
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Aeneas Wrote:he wont open up. its already a bad situation for him to expect him to go even lower by crying on your shoulder and / or "open up" to you about how he feels about his predicament.
the best thing you can do if you want to save this relationship is avoid the subject at all times. you can help him find a job *discreetly* - without showing you are putting a lot of effort into it. you can show him any job listings you came across or send his CV for him.
alternatively you can attempt to take both yours and his mind off the situation by trying new things. play a board game together, invite friends if he is reticent to leave his room...
the absolute worse you can do right now is keep reminding him either directly or indirectly that things "suck".
or just move out. you shouldnt feel guilty about it. you have a life too, and you should pursue it if you see yourself without him.
you're probably right, but it seems like despite of what is going on, he still has feelings for this guy. this is a very delicate situation, because i think his partner could actually fall into depression if he leaves
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