Recently 'turned Bi' Boyfriend

[Brandon5678]

I am gay. I'm out to my family and to very close friends.

My current boyfriend was a friend for about 4 years. He has known for a few years that I'm gay. For the first 3.5 he was not in any kind of relationship, but identified as straight. Then about 6 months ago he started hanging out with a much older guy who he was also buying car from over time. I kind of had a feeling that there was more going on. He eventually admitted that he was getting oral from this guy while watching straight porn. That is was a FWB situation and that he was receiving only and that only oral was involved. 6 months down the road he tells me that it has progressed to him 'allowing' the other guy to feel up his chest with his hands and mouth. Still no reciprocation.

We've been joking back and forth for over a year that one day I'm like to perform oral on him, but that sadly it would never happen because it's not going to be one sided. I'm not a cumdumpster and I want reciprocation. It seemed to drift to that topic more often since I found out the above.

Two weeks ago he's at my place having a few drinks. Well, a few for me, but quite a few for him. I think he was trying to get some liquid courage going. He admits that he's been crushing on me for a long time and that he wants a relationship. Not a 'friends with benefits' relationship, but a full-blown monogamous boyfriend/boyfriend relationship and that he is bi. Mind you, this is taking a couple of hours to come out and the bi revelation doesn't happen till I'm taking him home and we're 2 minutes from his house. BTW, he still lives with his parents. My head is spinning by the time I get home.

It has been 2 weeks and we have yet to have sex. I am fully experienced and want to show him the most erotic, passionate, sweaty night of gay sex two people can have to whatever his comfortable level is. Herein lies the problem. I'm all the way on the gay end of the spectrum and he's coming all the way from the straight side of the spectrum. He considers himself Bi because he doesn't mind being touched. In my mind I'm still classifying him as, basically, straightish. We have cuddled, I have given him a backrub, I have kissed him on the neck (not too long) but he is not 'ready' for sex. Although he has said he thinks a penis is less 'unattractive' than a vagina, he doesn't have any thoughts or fantasies about doing anything with a penis.

I think it's all about connecting mentally with another guy that he finds attractive. I asked him what he finds attractive about women and he said things like "thighs, lips, maybe breasts" and when I asked about guys he said "personality" and then had to think for a couple of minutes before he said "their face, overall, I guess although I don't walk around the mall scoping out guys". Kind of makes me feel like he's defaulting to guys because he can't figure out women? When we cuddle except for putting his arm around me when I put my head on his chest he hasn't reached out to me at all.

He is a great guy with a great personality. I would really like to make this work. Just not sure if it ever will in the bedroom. We have talked about this at length and I'm giving him time and going slow with things so he can adjust. I'm assuring him that I would never aggressively force him into anything he's not comfortable with. I just think if he could let go and 'experience the experience' we'd both be in much better place in this relationship. We both want this to work and we both understand that we're 'seeing where this goes'.

Sorry about the length. I just had to get this off my chest somewhere. Any advice at all?

[Misfit]

I hate to be the devil's advocate. But it doesn't really sound like the two of you are even dating yet. Does he call you his boyfriend?

As far as reciprocation goes all men are different. Gay men as well, some men enjoy giving oral sex, others don't we are all different.

To me, it sounds like you're getting your hopes up on a relationship with someone who isn't even remotely ready. Not to mention he's already having sex on the side with another guy.

He sounds curious if anything which is perfectly normal. He's looking to explore from what it sounds. As far as expecting a relationship goes, I wish you the best but don't get your hopes up with this one. Almost every paragraph you wrote was a red flag.

[Brandon5678]

He has stopped seeing the other guy a few weeks before we became a 'couple'. Yes, he does call me his boyfriend. He wants to be monogamous. He wants to try working his way into gay sex. He's just never done it before and is very anxious/nervous.

I have my hopes, but my instincts also say it isn't going to work in the long run either. That's kind of why I'm here. Kind of to validate what I'm feeling inside. He is such a great guy otherwise, is the only reason I'm even trying. If I had never met him before I would have run for the hills.

[LateBloomer]

I also wouldn't hold my breath on this relationship turning romantic.

I mean, if Brandon is merely in it for the challenge of fully seducing his straightish friend, then yeah, go for it. But don't invest much romance or emotion into this game.

But if Brandon is truly looking for this guy to become a fully compatible romantic partner, well, I think he'd be better off fishing in another pond. He can keep trying to switch the bait and may get nibbles every now and then but I doubt his friend will bite.

I could be wrong.

[Beau]

You say he is not ready for sex. What do you mean? Have you tried or offered to give him a BJ? Maybe he's just too shy to make the first move.

Let me say that I'm also pretty new to gay dating. If my BF hadn't made the first moves I most likely wouldn't have had sex with him yet. Not that I didn't want too mind you. I just wasn't a mind reader and he sort of had to spell it out for me.

[Brendan]

The fact that " he doesn't have any thoughts or fantasies about doing anything with a penis" is kind of a massive red flag in my opinion. Also that the extent of his man on man sexual experience amounts to no more than " getting oral from this guy while watching straight porn" is another one.

Not wanting to have sex right now shouldn't concern you much. It took me quite a while to become ready for gay sex, like a few years. But during that time I was performing oral sex and was often fantasizing about sex with a man.

I don't know the guy, but there's a possibility that he is straight. Getting blow jobs by a guy doesn't necessarily make you bisexual.

If you think he's really worth it then perhaps you should give him more time. Its up to you. But I wouldn't get your hopes up, as I think its a somewhat large leap to go from merely getting blown by guys to being in a full on monogamous homosexual relationship. I myself enjoy gay sex but am only entirely fulfilled by heterosexual relationships.

[rmf]

I think you are moving a bit too quick with him to be honest.... i think he's unsure if he's actually bi.

[George]

I ll agree with RMF. well i ve been kinda in the same place and i tried so hard to have sex while the other havent even yet come to terms with his own sexuality. Sounds like your story, he needs time and trust me regreding that you lose someone who wanted and loved everything on you cause you couldnt wait to have sex wtih him feels really bad!

So my advice take it easy, dont put pressure on him and let him be the one who starts touching and kissing. Show him the whole glory of being in a gay relationship (if im not mistaken is the 1st time that he is in a relationship which is a big thing too) except of the sex, let him lead the way at this direction.

[HomeagainNYC]

I think you are smart to notice the red flags. What puzzles me is the fact that he has requested to be in a monogamous relationship? I don't see the point yet; it seems the only one who is jumping the gun here - is your unsure friend.

I would be very careful, as it would appear, that you stand to get hurt the most in this exchange. When you agreed to the arrangement, you set up consciously, or unconsciously, expectation for the relationship, and your friend; that's the dangerous bit for you.

[Bowyn Aerrow]

I don't do 'bi' or 'straight' men.

Too much work, never know if they are satisfied or if they want the other flavor more than the one you have to offer.

'Recently' out straight guys are dangerous, Especially the ones that have to drink before acting. It is too easy for them to have a bad day (some one calls them a faggot) and all the sudden its your fault, you made them 'that way' whatever.

You are gay, 100% of the way, you know this, you are comfortable with that - find another 100% gay man who is out and about and is comfortable with who and what he is. Let this fellow keep being FWB with the cock-sucker friend of his.

Give him plenty of space to figure out who and what he is. Be a friend (no sex, no cuddling, no hands on) a listening ear, a bud he can hang out with (without sex or sexual tension) and let him figure out who and what he is.

If he is bi, or even gay if you given him the space to reconcile that with himself as a friend, your chances of a real relationship are better IF he is bi/gay.

Don't be the 'one' who ends up being the bad guy if he decides he is straight.